She called me this morning.
Granted, it was just to ask about her vape device. Then, I heard a girl's voice, loud and clear.
There was a spark of, something. Despair? Jealousy? It dissipated as quickly as it came, lasting all of a split second. However, it's something that is gnawing inside of me. It makes me more aware of the emptiness within.
These days, I feel like there's a ball of nothingness, that threatens to grow and overwhelm me. It feels like a black hole, that just sucks the energy and drive out of me. I can go the whole day, just staring at the TV, doing nothing. And that's not even the scariest part.
Scary is when cutting is a short lived respite from feeling empty, nothing. Scary is when you're upset the blood doesn't flow in rivulets the way you wanted it to. Scary is when you experiment with placement and depth. Scary is, testing out slashes, however shallow they may be, along your wrist.
Scary is when smoking, drinking & cutting doesn't seem to work anymore. Scary is when you feel like letting go and giving up. Scary is when you feel like the world is bearing down on you. Scary is... when you can't find the will to fight.
We never truly know when our last day is, nor whether we have the choice on when to go. If I'm the author of my life, this then, should by de facto, be my choice.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Friday, May 25, 2018
Out of Sorts
Managed to talk to Mich for a while today. She's currently at Taipei, with her new gf. We were chatting, because she was chilling at a cafe, waiting for her gf to be done with her hair: cut, dye and whatever, to quote Mich.
she said: you can never be friends with someone you love. It's a torture and it's true.
Truth be told, it's something I'm trying not to think about. I'm trying... to lock away my feelings for her. Do I love her? Am I in love with her? Those, are pivoting points, and very relevant questions to be considered.
Lately, I've been teetering on the verge of breaking down and cry. Yet, somehow, it feels like the dam isn't ready to burst yet. Lately, I've also been feeling rather, down. It's not really something in specific that's making me down. It's just a general feeling.
So, back to the key questions:
'Do I love her?'
'Am I in love with her?'
Yeah, I do love her. I love her, to the point that not hearing from her, is its own brand of torment. It's at that point where, after spending time with her, my emotions will crash. I love her enough, to let her go. Can't go keeping a bird in a cage, however golden it may be, gilded it remains. I can't deny either, there's a part of me, that hopes she will come back to me.
I definitely feel like, there's some form of connection between us. Whether it blossoms into something more, I guess only time will tell. Who knows? Maybe years from now, I'll look back at this post, and laugh at myself for being emotional.
Do I love her? There's a part of me that feels bitter whenever she mentions the Nurse. Feels like she kinda likes her, and there's some form of connection/chemistry between them. Hati pedih. I guess, i feel that one day, I'd be toss to the side, like yesterday's garbage.
Then she goes and do stuff like, making it a point to have dessert with me, knowing that it's something I want, even if it's not something she likes. Sometimes, she makes it a point, to go out of her way, to make me feel special/important. And it's times like this, that make it hard for me to shelf my feelings.
I think, it's safe to say, I believe, I love her. Am I in love with her tho? That's the million dollar question. That's a question, I'm afraid of knowing the answer to.
she said: you can never be friends with someone you love. It's a torture and it's true.
Truth be told, it's something I'm trying not to think about. I'm trying... to lock away my feelings for her. Do I love her? Am I in love with her? Those, are pivoting points, and very relevant questions to be considered.
Lately, I've been teetering on the verge of breaking down and cry. Yet, somehow, it feels like the dam isn't ready to burst yet. Lately, I've also been feeling rather, down. It's not really something in specific that's making me down. It's just a general feeling.
So, back to the key questions:
'Do I love her?'
'Am I in love with her?'
Yeah, I do love her. I love her, to the point that not hearing from her, is its own brand of torment. It's at that point where, after spending time with her, my emotions will crash. I love her enough, to let her go. Can't go keeping a bird in a cage, however golden it may be, gilded it remains. I can't deny either, there's a part of me, that hopes she will come back to me.
I definitely feel like, there's some form of connection between us. Whether it blossoms into something more, I guess only time will tell. Who knows? Maybe years from now, I'll look back at this post, and laugh at myself for being emotional.
Do I love her? There's a part of me that feels bitter whenever she mentions the Nurse. Feels like she kinda likes her, and there's some form of connection/chemistry between them. Hati pedih. I guess, i feel that one day, I'd be toss to the side, like yesterday's garbage.
Then she goes and do stuff like, making it a point to have dessert with me, knowing that it's something I want, even if it's not something she likes. Sometimes, she makes it a point, to go out of her way, to make me feel special/important. And it's times like this, that make it hard for me to shelf my feelings.
I think, it's safe to say, I believe, I love her. Am I in love with her tho? That's the million dollar question. That's a question, I'm afraid of knowing the answer to.
Saturday, March 24, 2018
cutting
Did you know?
The skin is thinner, the closer you get to the wrist?
Just the light scrapping of the blade against the flesh, and the cut would keep oozing blood. I had no idea, that this would be the case. At any rate, it feels like a million ant bites across the entire length of the cut.
I don't know why, my emotions took a downward plunge after coming back from Phuket. Even hearing from XY, doesn't do anything to lift my spirits. When I'm with company, it's easy to put on a mask. When I'm alone though, I just feel empty.
I have no feelings whatsoever. No drive to do anything, no desire to want anything. With the blade though, somehow, there's something really mesmerizing, in how the blood flows out. Now almost all 4 limbs bear a cut of sorts; my inner right thigh, my left calf, and my left forearm. The right thigh was a little unexpected, as there was no immediate blood. It just started itching after a bit.
It's odd. Somehow, the cutting and the bleeding captures my attention vividly. Even more so when you see the droplets of blood flow out the cut. And when the cuts ache, I finally feel something. I don't quite feel joy anymore. Joy as in, something a bit more long term. Sure, for that fleeting moments when something positive happens, there's a slight uplifting of emotions, and the corners of my mouth. However, it doesn't last, nor does it dispels the dark.
I'm starting to understand a little bit, how Jein possibly feels. There's nothing inside. Just a void. Just emptiness. No expectations no disappointments; nothing to look forward to, nothing to dread. There's just nothing.
And that's terrifying. The abyss within scares me witless.
The skin is thinner, the closer you get to the wrist?
Just the light scrapping of the blade against the flesh, and the cut would keep oozing blood. I had no idea, that this would be the case. At any rate, it feels like a million ant bites across the entire length of the cut.
I don't know why, my emotions took a downward plunge after coming back from Phuket. Even hearing from XY, doesn't do anything to lift my spirits. When I'm with company, it's easy to put on a mask. When I'm alone though, I just feel empty.
I have no feelings whatsoever. No drive to do anything, no desire to want anything. With the blade though, somehow, there's something really mesmerizing, in how the blood flows out. Now almost all 4 limbs bear a cut of sorts; my inner right thigh, my left calf, and my left forearm. The right thigh was a little unexpected, as there was no immediate blood. It just started itching after a bit.
It's odd. Somehow, the cutting and the bleeding captures my attention vividly. Even more so when you see the droplets of blood flow out the cut. And when the cuts ache, I finally feel something. I don't quite feel joy anymore. Joy as in, something a bit more long term. Sure, for that fleeting moments when something positive happens, there's a slight uplifting of emotions, and the corners of my mouth. However, it doesn't last, nor does it dispels the dark.
I'm starting to understand a little bit, how Jein possibly feels. There's nothing inside. Just a void. Just emptiness. No expectations no disappointments; nothing to look forward to, nothing to dread. There's just nothing.
And that's terrifying. The abyss within scares me witless.
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Trip to Phuket
A last minute trip, with tickets and accommodations booked within the same week. Pricey, but worth it, in my personal opinion.
Sure, we spent close to RM 3k. To me though, the memories, are priceless.
We departed from KL on Friday, after work. And as luck would have it, we bumped into each other at the train station at KL Sentral. A pleasant surprise indeed. Upon arrival, we roamed around town and managed to snag supper. Roasted pork leg soup and the classic spicy fish tomyam.
The next day, we decided to rent a scooter and rode to the beach which was 10+km away, but a journey that took approx. 40 minutes. It was definitely an experience, considering how I never rode a scooter before. I got me a tattoo, a semicolon with a heart to replace the full stop atop the comma. A semicolon to pay tribute to the Semicolon Project, which aims to promote mental health, in particularly depression and suicidal tendencies.
The tattoo is dear to me, in that, friends and family around me are affected by mental illness. Also, I'm prone to self harm and depression. I will not forget that 2-3 weeks, where the 'breakup' shook me to the core, and I gave in to depression and cutting. The quote behind the Semicolon Project is this:
' A semicolon is used when the author decides not to end the sentence. I am the author of my story, and the sentence is my life.'
We met with a minor accident on the way back. She got off with a bruise to the knee and a few lacerations. Me, I have a bruise on my butt, and a couple of blisters on the leg. Naturally, the scooter wasn't undamaged.
The next day, we went on the Phi Phi Island tour on a speedboat. It was a good time spent, and beautiful pictures taken. She bought the framed picture of the both of us, which I insisted that she kept it.
Day 3, we went on the James Bond Island tour on a big boat. This time, the day started out sour, with me accidentally knocking the bag into the sea. The bag, containing important documents and our passports. She was angry and yelled at me. The tour itself was alright, with the highlights being the kayaking sessions and some pictures. En route back, we decided to get a room at Patong Beach, and check out the nightlife at Bangla Road.
We had drinks there, and hit a pub at the corner of the road. The live band was fabulous and the drinks decent. Surprisingly, her tolerance was lower then mine, and she was definitely tipsy when we walked back.
Day 4, well. Day 4 was spent working and burning under the sun. We parted ways at the airport when we arrived back in KL.
I had fun. The trip served to show me that she does care, but not entirely in a non-platonic manner. Probably more like a very close friend. Part of me is sadden by this. I love her, as a friend and companion. Yet, I also hold romantic feelings for her. I suppose, it's really time to move on, somehow.
Sure, we spent close to RM 3k. To me though, the memories, are priceless.
We departed from KL on Friday, after work. And as luck would have it, we bumped into each other at the train station at KL Sentral. A pleasant surprise indeed. Upon arrival, we roamed around town and managed to snag supper. Roasted pork leg soup and the classic spicy fish tomyam.
The next day, we decided to rent a scooter and rode to the beach which was 10+km away, but a journey that took approx. 40 minutes. It was definitely an experience, considering how I never rode a scooter before. I got me a tattoo, a semicolon with a heart to replace the full stop atop the comma. A semicolon to pay tribute to the Semicolon Project, which aims to promote mental health, in particularly depression and suicidal tendencies.
The tattoo is dear to me, in that, friends and family around me are affected by mental illness. Also, I'm prone to self harm and depression. I will not forget that 2-3 weeks, where the 'breakup' shook me to the core, and I gave in to depression and cutting. The quote behind the Semicolon Project is this:
' A semicolon is used when the author decides not to end the sentence. I am the author of my story, and the sentence is my life.'
We met with a minor accident on the way back. She got off with a bruise to the knee and a few lacerations. Me, I have a bruise on my butt, and a couple of blisters on the leg. Naturally, the scooter wasn't undamaged.
The next day, we went on the Phi Phi Island tour on a speedboat. It was a good time spent, and beautiful pictures taken. She bought the framed picture of the both of us, which I insisted that she kept it.
Day 3, we went on the James Bond Island tour on a big boat. This time, the day started out sour, with me accidentally knocking the bag into the sea. The bag, containing important documents and our passports. She was angry and yelled at me. The tour itself was alright, with the highlights being the kayaking sessions and some pictures. En route back, we decided to get a room at Patong Beach, and check out the nightlife at Bangla Road.
We had drinks there, and hit a pub at the corner of the road. The live band was fabulous and the drinks decent. Surprisingly, her tolerance was lower then mine, and she was definitely tipsy when we walked back.
Day 4, well. Day 4 was spent working and burning under the sun. We parted ways at the airport when we arrived back in KL.
I had fun. The trip served to show me that she does care, but not entirely in a non-platonic manner. Probably more like a very close friend. Part of me is sadden by this. I love her, as a friend and companion. Yet, I also hold romantic feelings for her. I suppose, it's really time to move on, somehow.
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Making Sense... Or the Lack of it
Making sense of whatever this is between me and XY, is akin to finding that minuscule needle in a giant haystack.
She said friendship. She behaves... Complicated.
Confusing? That's the understatement of the century.
What kind of friend, sleeps over practically every single day? That includes weekends. The amount of time spent together is insane. Sure, there's no hanky panky going on. Wait. There's NO hanky panky. Hence, this isn't a friends with benefits deal. At least, I understand friends with benefits. Basically friends who also fuck. The fucking part? Is a no strings attached deal.
And even then. You don't spend practically every day together. It's now.... 23rd January. So. 23 days into a new year. Of this 23 days? Just over a handful of days weren't spent together. That's like, 80% (rough estimation) of the time spent together.
I mean. We share the same bed. We leave home together. Sometimes, we have dinner together. Occasionally, we work together. We have supper together. She includes me in her plans. Behavior wise, it's like we're living together. Emotionally, now that's where I'm stumped.
Emotionally, I'm going with the flow. No expectations, no disappointments. Honestly, days when she tells me she's not staying over, I'm hardly upset. I indulge in some alcohol and tobacco, yes. Yet, I'm not moping around like I used to. Sure, I miss her. But I don't go calling her just because. Hell, I don't even text her much when she doesn't reply. I don't throw a big fuss no more.
Instinctively, it feels like she does have some form of feelings towards me. Feelings, as in beyond a normal friendship boundary kind of feelings. It's almost like, she could come to love me. She texts me whenever she has some breathing room/space, and she takes the initiative too. Admittedly, my initiatives are more muted these days. Muted, timid, uncertain, hesitant.
Ironically, she asked me a couple of times to move in with her. I said no. I did tell myself, that I won't mind spending the night at her place sometimes.
Logically, things will change when Grams is back. Not just Grams. The extended fam-bam too. Would I end up spending a couple of nights at her place on a weekly basis? Well, that's a good question. I might. That is, if mom isn't around.
I tell people, hell, I tell myself, that I'm playing the waiting game. And... I kind of am. I honestly want to see where this goes. I can't be the only one to feel that, this bond, this thing between us, could go a long way, and would endure.
Yet, the confusion of our situation is gradually wearing me down.
She said friendship. She behaves... Complicated.
Confusing? That's the understatement of the century.
What kind of friend, sleeps over practically every single day? That includes weekends. The amount of time spent together is insane. Sure, there's no hanky panky going on. Wait. There's NO hanky panky. Hence, this isn't a friends with benefits deal. At least, I understand friends with benefits. Basically friends who also fuck. The fucking part? Is a no strings attached deal.
And even then. You don't spend practically every day together. It's now.... 23rd January. So. 23 days into a new year. Of this 23 days? Just over a handful of days weren't spent together. That's like, 80% (rough estimation) of the time spent together.
I mean. We share the same bed. We leave home together. Sometimes, we have dinner together. Occasionally, we work together. We have supper together. She includes me in her plans. Behavior wise, it's like we're living together. Emotionally, now that's where I'm stumped.
Emotionally, I'm going with the flow. No expectations, no disappointments. Honestly, days when she tells me she's not staying over, I'm hardly upset. I indulge in some alcohol and tobacco, yes. Yet, I'm not moping around like I used to. Sure, I miss her. But I don't go calling her just because. Hell, I don't even text her much when she doesn't reply. I don't throw a big fuss no more.
Instinctively, it feels like she does have some form of feelings towards me. Feelings, as in beyond a normal friendship boundary kind of feelings. It's almost like, she could come to love me. She texts me whenever she has some breathing room/space, and she takes the initiative too. Admittedly, my initiatives are more muted these days. Muted, timid, uncertain, hesitant.
Ironically, she asked me a couple of times to move in with her. I said no. I did tell myself, that I won't mind spending the night at her place sometimes.
Logically, things will change when Grams is back. Not just Grams. The extended fam-bam too. Would I end up spending a couple of nights at her place on a weekly basis? Well, that's a good question. I might. That is, if mom isn't around.
I tell people, hell, I tell myself, that I'm playing the waiting game. And... I kind of am. I honestly want to see where this goes. I can't be the only one to feel that, this bond, this thing between us, could go a long way, and would endure.
Yet, the confusion of our situation is gradually wearing me down.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Confusion
A perpetual state of confusion.
That's what has been happening over the past 2 weeks.
I never expected to feel this depressed. This is even worse than when I ended things with Tasha. It's bad enough that I can't sleep much, a serious loss of appetite, and even to the extent of excessive drinking and smoking, and also self harm.
Yeah, self harm. I cut.
It's.... probably not my proudest moment, nor my proudest action. Yet, I didn't regret it.
So. What's confusing is. Her actions and her words don't match. She says she doesn't know how to love anymore. Yet, she loves me more than a friend. She says she doesn't do casual sex, yet, she wanted to give it a go. She doesn't have feelings for me, yet, she pecks me on the lips before we part each time. She doesn't love me romantically, yet, she sent me flowers. She doesn't love me, yet, she likes my company. She asks my opinion on matters. What's more, is that she alluded that my company keeps the loneliness at bay. Her exact words: I'm getting lonelier and lonelier. Lucky I still have you, to keep me company.
Sigh.
I managed to get some insight. So my dear is depressed. And she mentioned something about everything going downhill since she was 18. And from what I managed to gather, it's in part related to her sexuality, her preconceived notions of gender/behavior/attitude, her dad's death & her failed relationships (with it come the reasons they broke up).
I love her. I truly do. And that's what's making me have second thoughts about leaving so soon. Trace told me, loving someone, is to let them go and grow at their own pace. Loving someone, is also being what they need at that point of time. As much as I think we're meant to be, this is probably not the right time. Perhaps, it's meeting the right person, at the right place, but not the right time.
Torn.
That's how I feel right now. How can I leave her side, by venturing so far away, when she needs me? Yet, I can't deny that I too, am to a certain extent, depressed and need to heal. It can't be healthy, for me to push aside my feelings, and focus on her. The emotional strain it would have, would be unbearable.
I love her company, which further complicates things.
That's what has been happening over the past 2 weeks.
I never expected to feel this depressed. This is even worse than when I ended things with Tasha. It's bad enough that I can't sleep much, a serious loss of appetite, and even to the extent of excessive drinking and smoking, and also self harm.
Yeah, self harm. I cut.
It's.... probably not my proudest moment, nor my proudest action. Yet, I didn't regret it.
So. What's confusing is. Her actions and her words don't match. She says she doesn't know how to love anymore. Yet, she loves me more than a friend. She says she doesn't do casual sex, yet, she wanted to give it a go. She doesn't have feelings for me, yet, she pecks me on the lips before we part each time. She doesn't love me romantically, yet, she sent me flowers. She doesn't love me, yet, she likes my company. She asks my opinion on matters. What's more, is that she alluded that my company keeps the loneliness at bay. Her exact words: I'm getting lonelier and lonelier. Lucky I still have you, to keep me company.
Sigh.
I managed to get some insight. So my dear is depressed. And she mentioned something about everything going downhill since she was 18. And from what I managed to gather, it's in part related to her sexuality, her preconceived notions of gender/behavior/attitude, her dad's death & her failed relationships (with it come the reasons they broke up).
I love her. I truly do. And that's what's making me have second thoughts about leaving so soon. Trace told me, loving someone, is to let them go and grow at their own pace. Loving someone, is also being what they need at that point of time. As much as I think we're meant to be, this is probably not the right time. Perhaps, it's meeting the right person, at the right place, but not the right time.
Torn.
That's how I feel right now. How can I leave her side, by venturing so far away, when she needs me? Yet, I can't deny that I too, am to a certain extent, depressed and need to heal. It can't be healthy, for me to push aside my feelings, and focus on her. The emotional strain it would have, would be unbearable.
I love her company, which further complicates things.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Broken
Huuu...
Plop.
The breaking of silence. But for the slight chest movement, one would think that kneeling figure was a corpse. Head thrown back, chest upwards, she let go a howl of anguish. A howl, that by no means broke the silence. Head bowed, a whimper escapes.
Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.
She feels the salty tracks making its way down her face. Yet, she could muster no strengh to do naught but sniff. In her head, the ringing persist. Her ears, heard only the harsh shallow breathing of hers. Her heart, seemed to have stop beating. In her eyes, the scene replayed.
She ran. She ran towards that silhouette a few strides ahead. Running as fast as she could, trying her best to catch up. She caught a hand. Time stopped. A face she had come to know, admire and adore, turned to her. With a blank expression, she tore away the hand. Stumbling, she fell. In a split second, that face, that silhouette, was gone. She forged ahead, hoping to get her again, hoping she would turn back. She never did.
And so she fell, fell with both knees on the ground. The darkness closing in, enveloping her.
Clang!
The sound of a heart breaking.
She held her hands palms side up. She feels nothing but the shattering of her heart. The warmth that she once bathed in, replaced by the cold dank bitterness of rejection.
Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.
All that remains, all that i have left, is the pool of tears slowly gathering. Time has no meaning, in this vortex of emptiness. In this space where up is down, down is up, nothing is everything and everything is nothing. All there is, is pieces of a whole, and a hole in my chest.
Plop.
The breaking of silence. But for the slight chest movement, one would think that kneeling figure was a corpse. Head thrown back, chest upwards, she let go a howl of anguish. A howl, that by no means broke the silence. Head bowed, a whimper escapes.
Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.
She feels the salty tracks making its way down her face. Yet, she could muster no strengh to do naught but sniff. In her head, the ringing persist. Her ears, heard only the harsh shallow breathing of hers. Her heart, seemed to have stop beating. In her eyes, the scene replayed.
She ran. She ran towards that silhouette a few strides ahead. Running as fast as she could, trying her best to catch up. She caught a hand. Time stopped. A face she had come to know, admire and adore, turned to her. With a blank expression, she tore away the hand. Stumbling, she fell. In a split second, that face, that silhouette, was gone. She forged ahead, hoping to get her again, hoping she would turn back. She never did.
And so she fell, fell with both knees on the ground. The darkness closing in, enveloping her.
Clang!
The sound of a heart breaking.
She held her hands palms side up. She feels nothing but the shattering of her heart. The warmth that she once bathed in, replaced by the cold dank bitterness of rejection.
Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.
All that remains, all that i have left, is the pool of tears slowly gathering. Time has no meaning, in this vortex of emptiness. In this space where up is down, down is up, nothing is everything and everything is nothing. All there is, is pieces of a whole, and a hole in my chest.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Uncertainties, insecurities
As I'm writing this, so many thoughts running through my head, through my heart.
Your silence cuts like a knife. I can't help but to be transported back to the time, when you just got back from Korea. We never did talked about that period of time. Yet, it's still a hurt I carry till now.
Im trying so hard, not to push you to respond, to talk to me. Yet, communication is a 2 way street. Isn't it? I actually thought we were good. When you texted me that Monday night, and subsequently the days after, I felt the change. I felt the love.
Something happened on Monday. Idk what. You said it was a case you didn't get. Yet. You changed. You revert back to how you were in Korea and after Korea. I never did make any comments, about you needing to work that week in Dec that I'm on leave. Despite you promising me that the week has been blocked off in your calendar. Honestly, I feel like, we might as well not make a trip to anywhere. I don't want to pay a bomb, just for a short 4 days with you.
Your silence hurts. Idk what to do, to make you talk to me. I can text, but you not responding, is similar to me talking to myself, no? At least talking to myself, I get an immediate response. I don't get left hanging, expecting a reply; only to wake up the next day seeing none.
You asking for time out, was the biggest blow you could have dealt. If you felt me suffocating you, you could always asked me to back off. Instead, you exploded, and said you didn't feel the love. And all I did was show concern. You asked for time out. That's why I'm still waiting for you to ask to talk. Then you go and text me just a day after asking for time out. Did you manage to figure things out so fast?
Just when I'm starting to hope again, this happens. I feel like a puppet on strings, with my heart as the yo-yo. You do this, I respond this way. You say that, I react that way. You call me love, it tugs on my heartstrings. You smile when you see me, the corners of my lips move on its own accord.
Your silence kills. I'm aware, that I'm madly in love with you. I'm willing to sacrifice my dreams to support yours, to make yours a success. I'm willing to help you however I can, to make your dreams a reality. I'm willing to be your sounding board, and your punching bag. I love you so much, it hurts. What I'm unsure of, is your feelings towards me, along with the depth of said feelings.
Your silence cuts like a knife. I can't help but to be transported back to the time, when you just got back from Korea. We never did talked about that period of time. Yet, it's still a hurt I carry till now.
Im trying so hard, not to push you to respond, to talk to me. Yet, communication is a 2 way street. Isn't it? I actually thought we were good. When you texted me that Monday night, and subsequently the days after, I felt the change. I felt the love.
Something happened on Monday. Idk what. You said it was a case you didn't get. Yet. You changed. You revert back to how you were in Korea and after Korea. I never did make any comments, about you needing to work that week in Dec that I'm on leave. Despite you promising me that the week has been blocked off in your calendar. Honestly, I feel like, we might as well not make a trip to anywhere. I don't want to pay a bomb, just for a short 4 days with you.
Your silence hurts. Idk what to do, to make you talk to me. I can text, but you not responding, is similar to me talking to myself, no? At least talking to myself, I get an immediate response. I don't get left hanging, expecting a reply; only to wake up the next day seeing none.
You asking for time out, was the biggest blow you could have dealt. If you felt me suffocating you, you could always asked me to back off. Instead, you exploded, and said you didn't feel the love. And all I did was show concern. You asked for time out. That's why I'm still waiting for you to ask to talk. Then you go and text me just a day after asking for time out. Did you manage to figure things out so fast?
Just when I'm starting to hope again, this happens. I feel like a puppet on strings, with my heart as the yo-yo. You do this, I respond this way. You say that, I react that way. You call me love, it tugs on my heartstrings. You smile when you see me, the corners of my lips move on its own accord.
Your silence kills. I'm aware, that I'm madly in love with you. I'm willing to sacrifice my dreams to support yours, to make yours a success. I'm willing to help you however I can, to make your dreams a reality. I'm willing to be your sounding board, and your punching bag. I love you so much, it hurts. What I'm unsure of, is your feelings towards me, along with the depth of said feelings.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Assumptions
Assume.
Making an Ass out of U (you) and Me.
Well. Such is the saying. And yet, it's invariably a human trait to make assumptions. 'Oh he's good looking. He's probably taken, not available.' 'Oh look at her dressing. So revealing. Must be a slut.'
First impressions, preconceived notions, assumptions. Semantics.
We were talking about this in the car yesterday, en route to Donutes @ ss2, PJ. XY said, people can't help but make assumptions about situations or people or matters. We need to train our minds to not fall prey to walking down that path of assuming.
Humans' brains are malleable. A crude way would be to say people are easily manipulated into believing something that may or may not be true. To a certain extent, it's true. Majority wins. It's the same with opinions, mindset & beliefs. As humans, we tend to shy away from what's different. We assume different equals negative.
Just like change. In fact, it is a change, training your mind to not make assumptions. To be fair, it's not just the mind. It's also the heart. Training the heart to Accept and Welcome, goes hand in hand with training the mind not to Assume. Keeping an open mind, being open minded. It's about not making assumptions that you know best, that what the other party is sharing is wrong, that different is frowned upon. It's also about accepting and welcoming the other party.
In all honesty, being open minded to what someone else is going through or sharing with you, is one of the greatest gift you could give at that point of time. You're not judging, but, you're accepting and acknowledging the other party. Acceptance and Acknowledgement is what most, if not all of us, seek for, consciously or subconsciously. We all look to Belong.
It's a never-ending process, learning to not assume, learning to just be, and take certain things at face value. And while we stumble here and there and every so often, we shouldn't discount the times we did manage to not assume.
Making an Ass out of U (you) and Me.
Well. Such is the saying. And yet, it's invariably a human trait to make assumptions. 'Oh he's good looking. He's probably taken, not available.' 'Oh look at her dressing. So revealing. Must be a slut.'
First impressions, preconceived notions, assumptions. Semantics.
We were talking about this in the car yesterday, en route to Donutes @ ss2, PJ. XY said, people can't help but make assumptions about situations or people or matters. We need to train our minds to not fall prey to walking down that path of assuming.
Humans' brains are malleable. A crude way would be to say people are easily manipulated into believing something that may or may not be true. To a certain extent, it's true. Majority wins. It's the same with opinions, mindset & beliefs. As humans, we tend to shy away from what's different. We assume different equals negative.
Just like change. In fact, it is a change, training your mind to not make assumptions. To be fair, it's not just the mind. It's also the heart. Training the heart to Accept and Welcome, goes hand in hand with training the mind not to Assume. Keeping an open mind, being open minded. It's about not making assumptions that you know best, that what the other party is sharing is wrong, that different is frowned upon. It's also about accepting and welcoming the other party.
In all honesty, being open minded to what someone else is going through or sharing with you, is one of the greatest gift you could give at that point of time. You're not judging, but, you're accepting and acknowledging the other party. Acceptance and Acknowledgement is what most, if not all of us, seek for, consciously or subconsciously. We all look to Belong.
It's a never-ending process, learning to not assume, learning to just be, and take certain things at face value. And while we stumble here and there and every so often, we shouldn't discount the times we did manage to not assume.
Monday, November 6, 2017
Numb Dumb Bum
If I didn't write, I don't think I can stand the oppressing feeling within.
So it's been a long cold month. If I was pressed to pinpoint an exact date, it would be, our 1st fight. That's when the change started. Granted, it was gradual. It really came to an explosive incident yesterday.
She said: There is something we cannot force, when it comes to love, we cannot force. And it's obvious that. I tried, it just don't feel like it.
Followed by me telling her, if she wants to cut me off, I deserve a talk. To clear the air. Also, if she wants me to leave her alone. It has to come from her. Before I invest anymore heart into this.
She then said: I will talk to you when I get to see you. I have a lot of problems happening, mixed feelings a lot of stuff let me have some time off to think things through. I will talk to you.
I keep wondering.
Where did I go wrong? Did I say or do something wrong? Actions & reactions? Was I... Am I not enough? Perhaps I was too pushy, too clingy. Perhaps I just couldn't compare.
So many questions, so many unknowns, so much tears.
Crying, stopping; crying, stopping; crying, stopping.
I deactivated my Facebook account, muted her conversation. I just want to crawl in bed, and not get up/get out. I don't know what the outcome would be like, I don't know what's going on in her mind, in her heart.
All I know is, I hurt. It aches. I thought, hurting over Tasha was bad. This? For a... relationship? that's only a few months old, the hurt is at par. Effort and heart.
Hurts so bad, it has a numbing effect.
So it's been a long cold month. If I was pressed to pinpoint an exact date, it would be, our 1st fight. That's when the change started. Granted, it was gradual. It really came to an explosive incident yesterday.
She said: There is something we cannot force, when it comes to love, we cannot force. And it's obvious that. I tried, it just don't feel like it.
Followed by me telling her, if she wants to cut me off, I deserve a talk. To clear the air. Also, if she wants me to leave her alone. It has to come from her. Before I invest anymore heart into this.
She then said: I will talk to you when I get to see you. I have a lot of problems happening, mixed feelings a lot of stuff let me have some time off to think things through. I will talk to you.
I keep wondering.
Where did I go wrong? Did I say or do something wrong? Actions & reactions? Was I... Am I not enough? Perhaps I was too pushy, too clingy. Perhaps I just couldn't compare.
So many questions, so many unknowns, so much tears.
Crying, stopping; crying, stopping; crying, stopping.
I deactivated my Facebook account, muted her conversation. I just want to crawl in bed, and not get up/get out. I don't know what the outcome would be like, I don't know what's going on in her mind, in her heart.
All I know is, I hurt. It aches. I thought, hurting over Tasha was bad. This? For a... relationship? that's only a few months old, the hurt is at par. Effort and heart.
Hurts so bad, it has a numbing effect.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Words
Words, are a double edged sword.
They can soothe the soul and ease the pain. Likewise, they can be the cause.
Today, I'm in the mood to talk about the negative side of it.
Words. A spoken promise. They carry with them a sense of anticipation & expectations. When said promise falls through, the wave of disappointment that rolls in... hits hard. The greater the anticipation & expectation, the greater the crash. Like a roller coaster. The higher you climb, the greater the momentum created as you go on the descent, the bigger the impact.
I'm still waiting for that Date, that you asked me on to, the Date that you wanted me to dress up for.
I'm still waiting for that Weekend, that you promised no work would intrude.
I'm still waiting for that Question, that would make things official official between us.
When you asked me, if I would be angry, if you couldn't make it for the wedding dinner. My first thought was: do I come across as someone with very bad anger management skills? My first emotion was: that crash of disappointment. My first mental reaction was: laugh, followed by a question: what do you think?
What I did do though, was to look at you, take a couple of breaths, closed the lid of my laptop and focused on you.
I'm... actually pretty hurt, that you would think that my default emotion/reaction would be that of anger. I will not deny, that I do and have reacted in a less than pleasant manner before. Was it in anger though, I don't believe so. I'm more prone to disappointment. I will not deny, that I was, am, very disappointed and upset. When I asked you why didn't you tell me earlier, I was referring to when I first asked you, after the funeral. I... You could have told me you would need to arrange matters. Maybe then, I'd not have my hopes up.
I also won't deny, that I curled up on the floor of the showers last night, and hugged my knees. Later in bed, when I asked you: when I turn my back on you like that, wouldn't you want to comfort me? Instead, you wrapped me in the blanket. I understand, that you didn't want me to catch cold. However, sometimes, it feels as if what I'd be expecting, isn't how you'll react. I had hoped, that you'll hold me close, and snuggle with me under the blanket. I just, wanted... needed that 5 minutes of you holding me. Not, you wrapping me in blanket and hugging me then. I wanted to ask you then, if you thought of me as your gf. If so, since when. I'm a coward. I daren't ask, for I'm afraid of the answer.
Do I repulse you? In that, you don't like skin to skin contact with me? Has being with me, become like a chore to you?
I miss, having that intimacy with you. It's not even about sex. I like having skin to skin contact with you, be it holding hands, hugging waists, or just cuddling. Cuddling is good. I like kissing you too. Kissing, not pecking. Full blown kissing, with tongue and saliva and lots of groping. Groping, not necessarily leading to making love. Sex is good, definitely. However, I seek that intimacy behind it. I don't want sex to be just that: sex.
See, I don't know if I'm overthinking it, or being oversensitive. I know that you're holding back. I don't think we've recovered from that deep, long, painful conversation we had when you were in Penang. I can sense you pulling away, being wary again. I'm trying, to conform to you. I'm willing to bend, for you. Doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. However, my bending isn't fundamental to my being; and I value this... relationship (?). Hence bending.
You think there are times I'm pushing too hard. Perhaps, I'm desperate. I'm trying to hold on to this, to us, to you. Yet. The harder I try, the least favorable the outcome is.
Or maybe I'm reading too much into this, and you're just busy and preoccupied with work.
I can't fight with realities of life, ghosts and family. I just hope, that if you ever read this post, that you don't take me for granted.
They can soothe the soul and ease the pain. Likewise, they can be the cause.
Today, I'm in the mood to talk about the negative side of it.
Words. A spoken promise. They carry with them a sense of anticipation & expectations. When said promise falls through, the wave of disappointment that rolls in... hits hard. The greater the anticipation & expectation, the greater the crash. Like a roller coaster. The higher you climb, the greater the momentum created as you go on the descent, the bigger the impact.
I'm still waiting for that Date, that you asked me on to, the Date that you wanted me to dress up for.
I'm still waiting for that Weekend, that you promised no work would intrude.
I'm still waiting for that Question, that would make things official official between us.
When you asked me, if I would be angry, if you couldn't make it for the wedding dinner. My first thought was: do I come across as someone with very bad anger management skills? My first emotion was: that crash of disappointment. My first mental reaction was: laugh, followed by a question: what do you think?
What I did do though, was to look at you, take a couple of breaths, closed the lid of my laptop and focused on you.
I'm... actually pretty hurt, that you would think that my default emotion/reaction would be that of anger. I will not deny, that I do and have reacted in a less than pleasant manner before. Was it in anger though, I don't believe so. I'm more prone to disappointment. I will not deny, that I was, am, very disappointed and upset. When I asked you why didn't you tell me earlier, I was referring to when I first asked you, after the funeral. I... You could have told me you would need to arrange matters. Maybe then, I'd not have my hopes up.
I also won't deny, that I curled up on the floor of the showers last night, and hugged my knees. Later in bed, when I asked you: when I turn my back on you like that, wouldn't you want to comfort me? Instead, you wrapped me in the blanket. I understand, that you didn't want me to catch cold. However, sometimes, it feels as if what I'd be expecting, isn't how you'll react. I had hoped, that you'll hold me close, and snuggle with me under the blanket. I just, wanted... needed that 5 minutes of you holding me. Not, you wrapping me in blanket and hugging me then. I wanted to ask you then, if you thought of me as your gf. If so, since when. I'm a coward. I daren't ask, for I'm afraid of the answer.
Do I repulse you? In that, you don't like skin to skin contact with me? Has being with me, become like a chore to you?
I miss, having that intimacy with you. It's not even about sex. I like having skin to skin contact with you, be it holding hands, hugging waists, or just cuddling. Cuddling is good. I like kissing you too. Kissing, not pecking. Full blown kissing, with tongue and saliva and lots of groping. Groping, not necessarily leading to making love. Sex is good, definitely. However, I seek that intimacy behind it. I don't want sex to be just that: sex.
See, I don't know if I'm overthinking it, or being oversensitive. I know that you're holding back. I don't think we've recovered from that deep, long, painful conversation we had when you were in Penang. I can sense you pulling away, being wary again. I'm trying, to conform to you. I'm willing to bend, for you. Doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. However, my bending isn't fundamental to my being; and I value this... relationship (?). Hence bending.
You think there are times I'm pushing too hard. Perhaps, I'm desperate. I'm trying to hold on to this, to us, to you. Yet. The harder I try, the least favorable the outcome is.
Or maybe I'm reading too much into this, and you're just busy and preoccupied with work.
I can't fight with realities of life, ghosts and family. I just hope, that if you ever read this post, that you don't take me for granted.
Friday, October 13, 2017
add-ons
So I mentioned in the previous post, about love and carnal pleasure.
One could argue, that carnal pleasure is lust, not love. I suppose, it's perception. If the focal point is merely satisfying that desire, that physical act, then sure, it's lust. However, in romantic loves, lust needs to play a part too.
As I love someone, I do lust for their bodies. The art of sex, is as ancient as time. It's also an instinctual act for almost all living creatures. To be fair, it's only humans that have this desire to copulate for pleasure.
Now, don't get me wrong. Sex is very pleasurable. However, there is a difference between making love and fucking. Fucking is about getting that release, that end pleasure. However, making love, is a tad more complex than that. When you're making love, it's not only about that dance between 2 people. It's also communicating on an emotional level.
Alongside the lust, are the aforementioned love. The tenderness, the care, the gushing feelings of warmth towards that person. I lust for their bodies: soft, tender, supple, responsive. That heady feeling that I get when their body answers my questing fingers. They tell me that my touch, my presence, is very much welcomed, that I'm wanted.
Another difference between fucking and making love, is that release. If you can't get the person you're fucking, to cum; Odds are, you're not that great a lay. Harsh, isn't it. In making love tho, it's not always about that release. Naturally, being able to make your partner hit the plateau, and being able to hit that plateau as well, is the best feeling ever. However, even if you don't get that end release, it's not the end of the relationship or the world. That emotional communication when making love, is a huge reward in itself.
Thank you love, for trusting me enough; and for letting me in.
One could argue, that carnal pleasure is lust, not love. I suppose, it's perception. If the focal point is merely satisfying that desire, that physical act, then sure, it's lust. However, in romantic loves, lust needs to play a part too.
As I love someone, I do lust for their bodies. The art of sex, is as ancient as time. It's also an instinctual act for almost all living creatures. To be fair, it's only humans that have this desire to copulate for pleasure.
Now, don't get me wrong. Sex is very pleasurable. However, there is a difference between making love and fucking. Fucking is about getting that release, that end pleasure. However, making love, is a tad more complex than that. When you're making love, it's not only about that dance between 2 people. It's also communicating on an emotional level.
Alongside the lust, are the aforementioned love. The tenderness, the care, the gushing feelings of warmth towards that person. I lust for their bodies: soft, tender, supple, responsive. That heady feeling that I get when their body answers my questing fingers. They tell me that my touch, my presence, is very much welcomed, that I'm wanted.
Another difference between fucking and making love, is that release. If you can't get the person you're fucking, to cum; Odds are, you're not that great a lay. Harsh, isn't it. In making love tho, it's not always about that release. Naturally, being able to make your partner hit the plateau, and being able to hit that plateau as well, is the best feeling ever. However, even if you don't get that end release, it's not the end of the relationship or the world. That emotional communication when making love, is a huge reward in itself.
Thank you love, for trusting me enough; and for letting me in.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Love
What is love?
How would you define love?
Questions, practically everyone has thought about.
Love, I reckon, has many facets to it. At its core, love, for me, is a warm and encompassing feeling. It's a sense of belonging, the feeling of home. It, just is. There's a tenderness to it, along with a flaming passion. You stop looking in the mirror, and see only yourself. Instead, you see yourself with others. That's love.
Family, aren't just exemplified by blood. Family is denoted as people who accept the true you, flaws, shortcomings, quirks and all; Blood becomes family, friends evolve into family, and lover/partner grows into family.
Again, a multi faceted emotion. It starts off, as a trickle of endorphins; you feel good. Similar to a peacock, you preen and show off the best of you, to attract the attention of the best that's out there. As time passes, and the dance prolongs, constant impressing no longer becomes a need/must. Instead, you start lowering your defenses, allowing entry to your inner thoughts, truer emotions, darker secrets.
When the rejection everyone secretly fears doesn't come, and instead, you're greeted with acceptance, that's why you start shedding the mask that you've been wearing for so long it melds into your skin. With each piece you shed, you expose the true you to that person. By now, the feeling isn't just a trickle of feeling good. Enough time would have passed, that you've experienced ups and downs, as part of the acceptance and acknowledgement process. There's an accompanying tender fondness when you look at that person; a well of desire that sets you ablaze and makes you want to show the world that this person chose you.
Sexual desire, that carnal pleasure. You crave for their touch, that just a look, can make you want to bring them to a plateau, that only you have the privilege to. You want to share that moment of utter intimacy and vulnerability with the person you entrusted the most fragile part of your being. A single touch from them, would be enough to unleash that torrent of want and need.
A sense of belonging, sense of home. An impression of comfort and safety. That's what a hug could bring and mean. Home is where the heart is. A warm home, with hot food on the table, comfy bed and the feeling of being welcomed; that's the truest gift one could hope for, for these can't be replicated with money. If these doesn't come from the heart, food wouldn't be palatable, and as warm the home could be, temperature wise, it'll leave a chill in your heart. A hug is similar. If the person hugging you, doesn't love you, a hug is just an impersonal action.
When you stop seeing just yourself in the mirror, and start seeing someone next to you, that's love. You don't make plans based on your own whims and desires. You start making plans with another person in mind, and take into consideration their likes/dislikes, whims and desires. You'll be mindful of how that person feels, maybe not all the time, but most of the time. Sketching a future together: what to do, where to go, how to be.
Love, sometimes smacks you in the face and be like: Hey I'm here! Take me!
Love, sometimes, creeps up unannounced; till one day you wake up and see love staring back at you.
Love, can be a fast yet shallow river bed, that all too often, runs out quick.
Love too, can be a slow and deep stream, that endures harsh droughts.
Love, is akin to giving someone the key to the greatest treasure chest.
Love too, is the sharpest blade you'll ever gift someone.
A double edged sword, that almost everyone pursues. Some lucky ones, identify and find it almost immediately. Some, need a lesson or two, or several, before recognizing what they seek. Some even had it, but let it slip them by. Love doesn't turn back, slows down or stop. It's constantly on the move, so once you've got it, don't let it slip you by.
How would you define love?
Questions, practically everyone has thought about.
Love, I reckon, has many facets to it. At its core, love, for me, is a warm and encompassing feeling. It's a sense of belonging, the feeling of home. It, just is. There's a tenderness to it, along with a flaming passion. You stop looking in the mirror, and see only yourself. Instead, you see yourself with others. That's love.
Family, aren't just exemplified by blood. Family is denoted as people who accept the true you, flaws, shortcomings, quirks and all; Blood becomes family, friends evolve into family, and lover/partner grows into family.
Again, a multi faceted emotion. It starts off, as a trickle of endorphins; you feel good. Similar to a peacock, you preen and show off the best of you, to attract the attention of the best that's out there. As time passes, and the dance prolongs, constant impressing no longer becomes a need/must. Instead, you start lowering your defenses, allowing entry to your inner thoughts, truer emotions, darker secrets.
When the rejection everyone secretly fears doesn't come, and instead, you're greeted with acceptance, that's why you start shedding the mask that you've been wearing for so long it melds into your skin. With each piece you shed, you expose the true you to that person. By now, the feeling isn't just a trickle of feeling good. Enough time would have passed, that you've experienced ups and downs, as part of the acceptance and acknowledgement process. There's an accompanying tender fondness when you look at that person; a well of desire that sets you ablaze and makes you want to show the world that this person chose you.
Sexual desire, that carnal pleasure. You crave for their touch, that just a look, can make you want to bring them to a plateau, that only you have the privilege to. You want to share that moment of utter intimacy and vulnerability with the person you entrusted the most fragile part of your being. A single touch from them, would be enough to unleash that torrent of want and need.
A sense of belonging, sense of home. An impression of comfort and safety. That's what a hug could bring and mean. Home is where the heart is. A warm home, with hot food on the table, comfy bed and the feeling of being welcomed; that's the truest gift one could hope for, for these can't be replicated with money. If these doesn't come from the heart, food wouldn't be palatable, and as warm the home could be, temperature wise, it'll leave a chill in your heart. A hug is similar. If the person hugging you, doesn't love you, a hug is just an impersonal action.
When you stop seeing just yourself in the mirror, and start seeing someone next to you, that's love. You don't make plans based on your own whims and desires. You start making plans with another person in mind, and take into consideration their likes/dislikes, whims and desires. You'll be mindful of how that person feels, maybe not all the time, but most of the time. Sketching a future together: what to do, where to go, how to be.
Love, sometimes smacks you in the face and be like: Hey I'm here! Take me!
Love, sometimes, creeps up unannounced; till one day you wake up and see love staring back at you.
Love, can be a fast yet shallow river bed, that all too often, runs out quick.
Love too, can be a slow and deep stream, that endures harsh droughts.
Love, is akin to giving someone the key to the greatest treasure chest.
Love too, is the sharpest blade you'll ever gift someone.
A double edged sword, that almost everyone pursues. Some lucky ones, identify and find it almost immediately. Some, need a lesson or two, or several, before recognizing what they seek. Some even had it, but let it slip them by. Love doesn't turn back, slows down or stop. It's constantly on the move, so once you've got it, don't let it slip you by.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Myriad
How am I feeling today?
That's a very good question. Let's see.
What are the sources of this.... Discontentment?
Mom. Bii. Work. Me.
Mom. Had a phone call with mom. Maybe it's the guilt eating inside of me, that made me react negatively when she started nagging. Ended up with a fight.
Bii. Doesn't hug me anymore, kiss me anymore, or want me anymore. Fck that shit.
Work. Feeling incompetent, and a lack of progress. If only it's just a lack of progress. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I'm... tired.
Me. Fucking insecurities rearing their ugly head.
How do I feel then.
Not just physically tired. But also mentally tired.
That's a very good question. Let's see.
What are the sources of this.... Discontentment?
Mom. Bii. Work. Me.
Mom. Had a phone call with mom. Maybe it's the guilt eating inside of me, that made me react negatively when she started nagging. Ended up with a fight.
Bii. Doesn't hug me anymore, kiss me anymore, or want me anymore. Fck that shit.
Work. Feeling incompetent, and a lack of progress. If only it's just a lack of progress. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I'm... tired.
Me. Fucking insecurities rearing their ugly head.
How do I feel then.
Not just physically tired. But also mentally tired.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Fallin'
She crept along
Silently,
Steadily.
Along the outer perimeter
The guards on duty
Were on high alert,
Senses attuned.
Still she crept,
Like a ninja,
She breached the defenses,
Like knife through butter.
O'er the hills and valleys and plains
She journeyed.
Inching her way closer
With each mile traversed.
Like a thief in the night
All clad in black
She snuck past
Patrolling knights
Past the moat
Past the turrets
Into the courtyard
Into the chambers
In the deepest part of the castle
Where scarcely a handful had ventured
She encountered,
The Warrior.
She came prepared;
One in full battle attire,
One clad in nary a defensive outfit,
Armed only with items in a pouch.
Into Warrior's face,
She threw.
Effort.
A stumble.
Then came Sincerity.
A swoon.
Next was Care.
Armor striped.
Last was Heart.
A transformation.
You,
Are that ninja,
That thief in the night.
And you,
Brought along
A whirlwind of emotions.
A kaleidoscope of colors,
Yet, in the eye of it all,
You're an anchor amidst the chaos.
You wormed your way into my life
And heart
And I hope, you'll never leave.
Silently,
Steadily.
Along the outer perimeter
The guards on duty
Were on high alert,
Senses attuned.
Still she crept,
Like a ninja,
She breached the defenses,
Like knife through butter.
O'er the hills and valleys and plains
She journeyed.
Inching her way closer
With each mile traversed.
Like a thief in the night
All clad in black
She snuck past
Patrolling knights
Past the moat
Past the turrets
Into the courtyard
Into the chambers
In the deepest part of the castle
Where scarcely a handful had ventured
She encountered,
The Warrior.
She came prepared;
One in full battle attire,
One clad in nary a defensive outfit,
Armed only with items in a pouch.
Into Warrior's face,
She threw.
Effort.
A stumble.
Then came Sincerity.
A swoon.
Next was Care.
Armor striped.
Last was Heart.
A transformation.
You,
Are that ninja,
That thief in the night.
And you,
Brought along
A whirlwind of emotions.
A kaleidoscope of colors,
Yet, in the eye of it all,
You're an anchor amidst the chaos.
You wormed your way into my life
And heart
And I hope, you'll never leave.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
A continuation
So I left out the last, but definitely not least person from the previous post. And with good reason too.
She deserves way more than just a few paragraphs, of an already long gush over Dichelle.
Xue Yi. The 26 year old lawyer from Penang. She's sweet and she makes me feel so... touched at the little things she say. From implying that I'm a soothing source in an otherwise whirlwind of a life, to instantly giving me attention when I said I'm sad. I do like her. Maybe not the gushing kind like with Dichelle. But a slow & steady and gradually building momentum kind of wave of emotions.
At any rate, I want to start things off the right foot, and do right by her. I deleted my dating app accounts, and uninstalled them as well. I realize, I don't want to let this slip by me, before it blooms into something more.
It's been a week or so since the beginning part was written and saved as a draft. In this time we've only gotten closer and closer. Endearments are already on the table, ranging from sayang, dear, all the way to bii. Yes, it's mostly from me. But it's reciprocated, so it's not a lost cause.
Something weird kinda happened the past couple of days. Ever since she got back from Vietnam, she has been super crazy busy. And intellectually, I understand that and tried to give her space. Emotionally, it's like going cold turkey. I was rather... Emotional, for lack of a more encompassing word. Blue and down and out. I couldn't put a name to that emotion I was feeling. Naturally, the insecurities surfaced.
Started thinking about all the ridiculous What-Ifs. What if she doesn't want me anymore? What if this connection was all in my mind? What if I'm not good enough for her? What if she wants to get back with her ex? What if, she's ghosting on me? What if, I'm not special, but part of the crowd? After all, why would she choose me? Why would she want me? I'm nothing special after all.
All those thoughts, lingered in my mind. Ok, so, I kinda cried a lil on Tuesday night. I reached out to Tucker over the weekend, but he, God bless him, has amazing timing. He got back to me on Wednesday. We had a long chat, and I voiced out how I felt. T set me on the right path and sort of gave me a verbal dress down. LOL. I suppose, I kinda deserved that.
T then told me about his news. He just found out he has thyroid cancer, which, as far as cancers go, has one of the highest rate of survival past 10 years, and is a very very slow moving one. Again, intellectually, I understand that this is something that can be overcome; Emotionally, again, I kinda lost it? Hahahaha.
To top things off, XY didn't reply me the whole day. And when she did, she told me she didn't have a chance to eat at all. No rest whatsoever. That was the last straw to the floodgates. I, sort of nagged at her. As I was walking back, I started tearing. I was down the whole night, yet, somehow, I managed to put up a show when on the phone with mom! I have to thank Tracy for that, for pulling me out of that emotional void.
I called XY before I went bed. I know, I spoke in a small voice. I must have sounded horrible. She was so gentle when she said: I'm rushing for something at the moment. I call you back okay? She did call me back after half an hour, but I think I may have cried me to sleep already then. That was before 11, when I somehow dozed off. I woke up at half 12, and saw her text. We started texting then.
She apologized profusely, saying that she appreciates that I care, and that when she starts working, she will forget everything else except work. We talked more last night, more like a proper conversation. I realize, I don't mind sacrificing my time and sleep for her. I think, I'm falling for her, bit by bit, day by day.
I love, how she puts in the effort, time and energy. I love it even more, when she tries to put me as a priority. It can't be easy, having to slot in time for me, when her work is so consuming. The trend looks to be a weekly date night; this is touching, since that workaholic is putting me ahead of the others. Meeting her friends, isn't that daunting a prospect. Just haven't communicated this to her. I should, shouldn't I?
Fuck. I AM falling for her. God, how did this happen? And yet, it feels, kinda right? It's nice, not to be considered as an option. I look forward to her messages all the time. I talk nonsense when I do have her attention. I'm super affectionate when I talk to her. That fluttering feeling in me gut. Her messages make me smile, even if I'm only scrolling through old messages.
Pardon the rambling. I mentioned weird didn't I?
Weird 'cause, it felt like how we both handled, and reacted to this... situation, would have made or break this fragile connection between us. As a result, it felt like we passed some sort of test? And that our bond (?) got stronger. Or maybe I'm just projecting, and all this is in my mind.
Either way, I have a good feeling about this. That she, could just well be, the one. Too soon to tell, definitely, but the possibility is there, and prospects, at this point of time, seems bright.
She deserves way more than just a few paragraphs, of an already long gush over Dichelle.
Xue Yi. The 26 year old lawyer from Penang. She's sweet and she makes me feel so... touched at the little things she say. From implying that I'm a soothing source in an otherwise whirlwind of a life, to instantly giving me attention when I said I'm sad. I do like her. Maybe not the gushing kind like with Dichelle. But a slow & steady and gradually building momentum kind of wave of emotions.
At any rate, I want to start things off the right foot, and do right by her. I deleted my dating app accounts, and uninstalled them as well. I realize, I don't want to let this slip by me, before it blooms into something more.
It's been a week or so since the beginning part was written and saved as a draft. In this time we've only gotten closer and closer. Endearments are already on the table, ranging from sayang, dear, all the way to bii. Yes, it's mostly from me. But it's reciprocated, so it's not a lost cause.
Something weird kinda happened the past couple of days. Ever since she got back from Vietnam, she has been super crazy busy. And intellectually, I understand that and tried to give her space. Emotionally, it's like going cold turkey. I was rather... Emotional, for lack of a more encompassing word. Blue and down and out. I couldn't put a name to that emotion I was feeling. Naturally, the insecurities surfaced.
Started thinking about all the ridiculous What-Ifs. What if she doesn't want me anymore? What if this connection was all in my mind? What if I'm not good enough for her? What if she wants to get back with her ex? What if, she's ghosting on me? What if, I'm not special, but part of the crowd? After all, why would she choose me? Why would she want me? I'm nothing special after all.
All those thoughts, lingered in my mind. Ok, so, I kinda cried a lil on Tuesday night. I reached out to Tucker over the weekend, but he, God bless him, has amazing timing. He got back to me on Wednesday. We had a long chat, and I voiced out how I felt. T set me on the right path and sort of gave me a verbal dress down. LOL. I suppose, I kinda deserved that.
T then told me about his news. He just found out he has thyroid cancer, which, as far as cancers go, has one of the highest rate of survival past 10 years, and is a very very slow moving one. Again, intellectually, I understand that this is something that can be overcome; Emotionally, again, I kinda lost it? Hahahaha.
To top things off, XY didn't reply me the whole day. And when she did, she told me she didn't have a chance to eat at all. No rest whatsoever. That was the last straw to the floodgates. I, sort of nagged at her. As I was walking back, I started tearing. I was down the whole night, yet, somehow, I managed to put up a show when on the phone with mom! I have to thank Tracy for that, for pulling me out of that emotional void.
I called XY before I went bed. I know, I spoke in a small voice. I must have sounded horrible. She was so gentle when she said: I'm rushing for something at the moment. I call you back okay? She did call me back after half an hour, but I think I may have cried me to sleep already then. That was before 11, when I somehow dozed off. I woke up at half 12, and saw her text. We started texting then.
She apologized profusely, saying that she appreciates that I care, and that when she starts working, she will forget everything else except work. We talked more last night, more like a proper conversation. I realize, I don't mind sacrificing my time and sleep for her. I think, I'm falling for her, bit by bit, day by day.
I love, how she puts in the effort, time and energy. I love it even more, when she tries to put me as a priority. It can't be easy, having to slot in time for me, when her work is so consuming. The trend looks to be a weekly date night; this is touching, since that workaholic is putting me ahead of the others. Meeting her friends, isn't that daunting a prospect. Just haven't communicated this to her. I should, shouldn't I?
Fuck. I AM falling for her. God, how did this happen? And yet, it feels, kinda right? It's nice, not to be considered as an option. I look forward to her messages all the time. I talk nonsense when I do have her attention. I'm super affectionate when I talk to her. That fluttering feeling in me gut. Her messages make me smile, even if I'm only scrolling through old messages.
Pardon the rambling. I mentioned weird didn't I?
Weird 'cause, it felt like how we both handled, and reacted to this... situation, would have made or break this fragile connection between us. As a result, it felt like we passed some sort of test? And that our bond (?) got stronger. Or maybe I'm just projecting, and all this is in my mind.
Either way, I have a good feeling about this. That she, could just well be, the one. Too soon to tell, definitely, but the possibility is there, and prospects, at this point of time, seems bright.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Of Confusion, Variations & Indecisiveness
I've not been updating this regularly enough. By Jove! There's just so much to talk about!
There's 4 ladies that I want to talk about.
1st off, Nana. Nana is super hot. I mentioned before, that, that mind and body of hers is to die for. Yet, as much as I have the hots for Nana, she's someone else's wife.
2nd. Kirsten. Now she is someone I get along very well with, in text and what not. Sadly, she's been MIA for, close to 3 weeks now. I think, she had some family issues to attend to. A real pity if you ask me. I could have, would have given her emotional support.
3rd. Dichelle. She's a colleague from the US office, here on a medium term assignment. Here as in based in Singapore office, medium term as in a 2 year renewable contract. Conversations with her flowed really well. Honestly, I was very attracted to her. Surprise, surprise. I was the last to finish my meal that Thursday. We did the tourist thing, and took pictures with KLCC in the background. I even got her personal number (which apparently, she didn't give out to anyone else) and sent her pictures. When Shireen sent Dichelle back to her hotel, Dichelle told her, that she likes me, 'cause I'm so sociable, just like a party goer.
After we had lunch the next day with Chin Chin (Dichelle was going back to Singapore that afternoon), we all gave Dichelle goodbye hugs. She whispered into my ear and said: Bye crazy. Wow! Talk about having a moment with her. If she had come any closer, I'd have blushed so bad then. I tell you, I'm crushing hard on Dichelle.
I kept my distance for a week or so. Then I texted her on a Thursday night, asking how's her accommodation search coming along. We exchanged pleasantries and I asked permission to stalk her Insta (yay me!) And she stalked me back after that!
So a couple of days ago, on Monday 27th August, Shireen and Wayne (new joiner) came to office. They had a call with Dichelle (Woman's in London and still thinking about work! SMH) I was on the phone with another client, and I was probably a bit loud. She asked, if that's Laura she heard in the background. (Girl's got sharp ears!) And I'm like, oh oops! Sorry Dichelle!
Shireen likes to tease me about Dichelle. She thinks Dichelle likes me too. And she knows I like Dichelle, like, a whole lot. Hahaha. Well. I'll leave her alone for now, since she's on holidays. I'll probably disturb her again next week, just to catch up. Find out how she's getting along with the unboxing of her 34 boxes.
Dichelle is like, the forbidden fruit that is a temptation. You shouldn't, couldn't have it. Yet, you still stretch your hand towards it. As hot as she is, she's a colleague. Honestly, I've fantasized about her before *blush* I feel like a kid in her presence. And she probably thinks I am one too! It'll be interesting to find out, if she IS straight af or not. If she isn't, there's still the colleague hurdle. Sigh. She's just so fucking hot. I could give her a night to remember, sex her well, make her cum non stop.
Wow I just admitted to wanting to sex a colleague. Talk about a confession of sorts. Blardy good thing this shit is private right
There's 4 ladies that I want to talk about.
1st off, Nana. Nana is super hot. I mentioned before, that, that mind and body of hers is to die for. Yet, as much as I have the hots for Nana, she's someone else's wife.
2nd. Kirsten. Now she is someone I get along very well with, in text and what not. Sadly, she's been MIA for, close to 3 weeks now. I think, she had some family issues to attend to. A real pity if you ask me. I could have, would have given her emotional support.
3rd. Dichelle. She's a colleague from the US office, here on a medium term assignment. Here as in based in Singapore office, medium term as in a 2 year renewable contract. Conversations with her flowed really well. Honestly, I was very attracted to her. Surprise, surprise. I was the last to finish my meal that Thursday. We did the tourist thing, and took pictures with KLCC in the background. I even got her personal number (which apparently, she didn't give out to anyone else) and sent her pictures. When Shireen sent Dichelle back to her hotel, Dichelle told her, that she likes me, 'cause I'm so sociable, just like a party goer.
After we had lunch the next day with Chin Chin (Dichelle was going back to Singapore that afternoon), we all gave Dichelle goodbye hugs. She whispered into my ear and said: Bye crazy. Wow! Talk about having a moment with her. If she had come any closer, I'd have blushed so bad then. I tell you, I'm crushing hard on Dichelle.
I kept my distance for a week or so. Then I texted her on a Thursday night, asking how's her accommodation search coming along. We exchanged pleasantries and I asked permission to stalk her Insta (yay me!) And she stalked me back after that!
So a couple of days ago, on Monday 27th August, Shireen and Wayne (new joiner) came to office. They had a call with Dichelle (Woman's in London and still thinking about work! SMH) I was on the phone with another client, and I was probably a bit loud. She asked, if that's Laura she heard in the background. (Girl's got sharp ears!) And I'm like, oh oops! Sorry Dichelle!
Shireen likes to tease me about Dichelle. She thinks Dichelle likes me too. And she knows I like Dichelle, like, a whole lot. Hahaha. Well. I'll leave her alone for now, since she's on holidays. I'll probably disturb her again next week, just to catch up. Find out how she's getting along with the unboxing of her 34 boxes.
Dichelle is like, the forbidden fruit that is a temptation. You shouldn't, couldn't have it. Yet, you still stretch your hand towards it. As hot as she is, she's a colleague. Honestly, I've fantasized about her before *blush* I feel like a kid in her presence. And she probably thinks I am one too! It'll be interesting to find out, if she IS straight af or not. If she isn't, there's still the colleague hurdle. Sigh. She's just so fucking hot. I could give her a night to remember, sex her well, make her cum non stop.
Wow I just admitted to wanting to sex a colleague. Talk about a confession of sorts. Blardy good thing this shit is private right
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Drifter
A loner by nature
She prowls the shoreline
Questing, probing,
Not knowing what she's seeking
Day in day out her routine goes
Till one sunset, she stumbled, per chance
Upon this unmarked trail
Faint at the onslaught, obvious once seen
The road not taken, she shrugs.
And upon a journey she embarked
Oh what an adventure it was!
A hidden cove, an inlet of water
Her first discovery.
What came next?
Myth debunked.
The most gorgeous face she saw
A set of vibrant green eyes
A smile that lit the world
A face, that was unmistakably feminine.
It started with a smile
A hello
That went on to last a lifetime
A lifetime that spanned half a decade
There was joy
There was laughter and hope
Then came the sorrow
Despair and loneliness
Still she persisted
On this road of minority choice
Squaring her shoulders
Chest up, she pushed ahead
A few stumbles
A few roadblocks
A few obstacles
In a moment of clarity
A drunken stupor provides
She locked her beating heart up
In a wooden chest, bound with iron linked chains
Pulling her hand back, she threw
Threw the key far, far away from her
Deep into Davy's grasp
Into his ever expanding hoard
A few stumbles
A few roadblocks
A few obstacles
The road not taken
A roller-coaster ride
A journey started
An adventure to be seen till the end
She met a flitting fairy
And was grateful for the company
They hit it off from the start
And her chest felt lighter with each passing moment
One fine day, the flitting fairy disappeared
Once more, she's left in the dark
Still, she shoulders on
Shoulders on she must
She knows now, what her search is for
That quest for the elusive,
That of which she's seeking,
That happiness
Perhaps, one day,
She'll get a shot.
At obtaining that fairytale ending
Till then, she'll continue as she always have.
Monday, June 5, 2017
My Hometown
So I semi attended this online writing circle chaired by Nana. It was about creative writing. So the prompt for the day was: my hometown. I got to thinking about it. I wanted to showcase the contrast between the past and the present. And it somehow had this melancholy, sombre tone to it.
My hometown
My place of birth
Where childhood memories reside
Seremban
My hometown
My place of birth
Where childhood memories reside
Seremban
Not huge and confusing and forever changing
Like its bigger cousin Kuala Lumpur
Nor small and close knitted
Where every neighbor is a friend you know by name
Just the right size of population and development
Where there's some familiarity amidst uncertainty
Where there's friends amongst strangers
Where the new blends and complements the old
Where once traffic jams are an irregularity
It's now a growing consistency
Where old school coffee shops once filled with the thrilling of magpies
It's now a concrete landfill marked as parking
My Alma mater stood proudly against the cliff face
Now said cliff face has been leveled for further expansion
The teachers I once feared and respected
Have since relinquished their responsibilities and embraced retirement
The playground dad used to bring me to
Still stands, just lonelier
The lake garden that is the pride and joy of the town
Still stands, just less shady
My hometown
Is a small place
Yet
Is a big part within my heart
As I read this over and over again, it somehow lacks an emotional connection behind it. It started off factual and descriptory, followed by the changes wrung by development. Yet, it felt right ending where it did. Honestly? I had no idea what else to include in it.
Like its bigger cousin Kuala Lumpur
Nor small and close knitted
Where every neighbor is a friend you know by name
Just the right size of population and development
Where there's some familiarity amidst uncertainty
Where there's friends amongst strangers
Where the new blends and complements the old
Where once traffic jams are an irregularity
It's now a growing consistency
Where old school coffee shops once filled with the thrilling of magpies
It's now a concrete landfill marked as parking
My Alma mater stood proudly against the cliff face
Now said cliff face has been leveled for further expansion
The teachers I once feared and respected
Have since relinquished their responsibilities and embraced retirement
The playground dad used to bring me to
Still stands, just lonelier
The lake garden that is the pride and joy of the town
Still stands, just less shady
My hometown
Is a small place
Yet
Is a big part within my heart
As I read this over and over again, it somehow lacks an emotional connection behind it. It started off factual and descriptory, followed by the changes wrung by development. Yet, it felt right ending where it did. Honestly? I had no idea what else to include in it.
Monday, May 22, 2017
Epiphany
So it was a pretty good weekend, despite the fact that my calves hurt like a m*****f*****.
I caught up with SP on Saturday afternoon, and Joanne that same night. Talking to SP, made me realize just how fortunate I am to have her in my life. We met in, 2004. That's 12 years of friendship. Despite that small gap where I consciously avoided her while I dealt with my emotions, we're pretty tight.
Not in the sense that we talk daily, but rather, somehow, we're always there for each other. Poor girl is facing the decision of her life: To marry or not to marry. Well. Relationship issues. Towards the end, we briefly talked about me. My decision is an even bigger decision than hers: To pursue the PR or not to.
With Joanne, we caught up a fair bit, again, on the relationship part. She shared about her past relationships and her concerns. We talked about me and my relationships, or lack of. Going home that night, we continued talking for a bit.
The conclusions I drew from talking to Joanne, is that, command of the language, English, is a big deal for me. As submissive and willing to compromise as I am, I can't be attracted to someone who's not good with communicating in English. This is because I'm most comfortable with this language. Malay is fine, Chinese is ok, but the deal clincher is English.
This re-affirms the fact that, intelligence is a huge turn on for me. Being able to banter and trade remarks gets me all heated up. I suppose, that's a reason why I'm not quite as attracted to Chinese as compared to other races. That, is the pivoting reason why I'm so attracted to Nana. Sasi comes in 2nd, purely because of his gender.
I realize, I don't care about height, looks or education level. I care that the other party has to be financially independent, and is able to carry on a conversation. Doesn't quite matter if she's short or tall, good looking or not, with a degree or not. As long as they can support themselves financially, and we can click on a conversational level, it's enough for me.
With SP, we talked about expectations, actions and reactions. My impression was that, her mindset has changed from a 'we' perspective, to a 'me' perspective, and I told her this. She agreed. She, has come to a point of no return. The only thing holding her back, is the fact that it's been 6-7 years of being together, and that there's a sense of reluctance. 'When a person ceases to be angry or to bother caring, all that's left is a sea of disappointment.'
I'm slowly getting there, with Nana, to be honest. Joanne keeps telling me not to bother with her, she just doesn't know that I'm getting more than a bit frustrated. It feels like, nothing I do is going to get through. I'm definitely infatuated with Nana. Yet, I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder. And that hurts.
Both my calves and my heart hurts.
I caught up with SP on Saturday afternoon, and Joanne that same night. Talking to SP, made me realize just how fortunate I am to have her in my life. We met in, 2004. That's 12 years of friendship. Despite that small gap where I consciously avoided her while I dealt with my emotions, we're pretty tight.
Not in the sense that we talk daily, but rather, somehow, we're always there for each other. Poor girl is facing the decision of her life: To marry or not to marry. Well. Relationship issues. Towards the end, we briefly talked about me. My decision is an even bigger decision than hers: To pursue the PR or not to.
With Joanne, we caught up a fair bit, again, on the relationship part. She shared about her past relationships and her concerns. We talked about me and my relationships, or lack of. Going home that night, we continued talking for a bit.
The conclusions I drew from talking to Joanne, is that, command of the language, English, is a big deal for me. As submissive and willing to compromise as I am, I can't be attracted to someone who's not good with communicating in English. This is because I'm most comfortable with this language. Malay is fine, Chinese is ok, but the deal clincher is English.
This re-affirms the fact that, intelligence is a huge turn on for me. Being able to banter and trade remarks gets me all heated up. I suppose, that's a reason why I'm not quite as attracted to Chinese as compared to other races. That, is the pivoting reason why I'm so attracted to Nana. Sasi comes in 2nd, purely because of his gender.
I realize, I don't care about height, looks or education level. I care that the other party has to be financially independent, and is able to carry on a conversation. Doesn't quite matter if she's short or tall, good looking or not, with a degree or not. As long as they can support themselves financially, and we can click on a conversational level, it's enough for me.
With SP, we talked about expectations, actions and reactions. My impression was that, her mindset has changed from a 'we' perspective, to a 'me' perspective, and I told her this. She agreed. She, has come to a point of no return. The only thing holding her back, is the fact that it's been 6-7 years of being together, and that there's a sense of reluctance. 'When a person ceases to be angry or to bother caring, all that's left is a sea of disappointment.'
I'm slowly getting there, with Nana, to be honest. Joanne keeps telling me not to bother with her, she just doesn't know that I'm getting more than a bit frustrated. It feels like, nothing I do is going to get through. I'm definitely infatuated with Nana. Yet, I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder. And that hurts.
Both my calves and my heart hurts.
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