Confusion

A perpetual state of confusion.

That's what has been happening over the past 2 weeks.

I never expected to feel this depressed. This is even worse than when I ended things with Tasha. It's bad enough that I can't sleep much, a serious loss of appetite, and even to the extent of excessive drinking and smoking, and also self harm.

Yeah, self harm. I cut.

It's.... probably not my proudest moment, nor my proudest action. Yet, I didn't regret it.

So. What's confusing is. Her actions and her words don't match. She says she doesn't know how to love anymore. Yet, she loves me more than a friend. She says she doesn't do casual sex, yet, she wanted to give it a go. She doesn't have feelings for me, yet, she pecks me on the lips before we part each time. She doesn't love me romantically, yet, she sent me flowers. She doesn't love me, yet, she likes my company. She asks my opinion on matters. What's more, is that she alluded that my company keeps the loneliness at bay. Her exact words: I'm getting lonelier and lonelier. Lucky I still have you, to keep me company.

Sigh.

I managed to get some insight. So my dear is depressed. And she mentioned something about everything going downhill since she was 18. And from what I managed to gather, it's in part related to her sexuality, her preconceived notions of gender/behavior/attitude, her dad's death & her failed relationships (with it come the reasons they broke up).

I love her. I truly do. And that's what's making me have second thoughts about leaving so soon. Trace told me, loving someone, is to let them go and grow at their own pace. Loving someone, is also being what they need at that point of time. As much as I think we're meant to be, this is probably not the right time. Perhaps, it's meeting the right person, at the right place, but not the right time.

Torn.

That's how I feel right now. How can I leave her side, by venturing so far away, when she needs me? Yet, I can't deny that I too, am to a certain extent, depressed and need to heal. It can't be healthy, for me to push aside my feelings, and focus on her. The emotional strain it would have, would be unbearable.

I love her company, which further complicates things.

Broken

Huuu...
Plop.

The breaking of silence. But for the slight chest movement, one would think that kneeling figure was a corpse. Head thrown back, chest upwards, she let go a howl of anguish. A howl, that by no means broke the silence. Head bowed, a whimper escapes.

Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.

She feels the salty tracks making its way down her face. Yet, she could muster no strengh to do naught but sniff. In her head, the ringing persist. Her ears, heard only the harsh shallow breathing of hers. Her heart, seemed to have stop beating. In her eyes, the scene replayed.

She ran. She ran towards that silhouette a few strides ahead. Running as fast as she could, trying her best to catch up. She caught a hand. Time stopped. A face she had come to know, admire and adore, turned to her. With a blank expression, she tore away the hand. Stumbling, she fell. In a split second, that face, that silhouette, was gone. She forged ahead, hoping to get her again, hoping she would turn back. She never did.

And so she fell, fell with both knees on the ground. The darkness closing in, enveloping her.

Clang!

The sound of a heart breaking.

She held her hands palms side up. She feels nothing but the shattering of her heart. The warmth that she once bathed in, replaced by the cold dank bitterness of rejection.

Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.

All that remains, all that i have left, is the pool of tears slowly gathering. Time has no meaning, in this vortex of emptiness. In this space where up is down, down is up, nothing is everything and everything is nothing. All there is, is pieces of a whole, and a hole in my chest.