De Facto

She called me this morning.

Granted, it was just to ask about her vape device. Then, I heard a girl's voice, loud and clear.

There was a spark of, something. Despair? Jealousy? It dissipated as quickly as it came, lasting all of a split second. However, it's something that is gnawing inside of me. It makes me more aware of the emptiness within.

These days, I feel like there's a ball of nothingness, that threatens to grow and overwhelm me. It feels like a black hole, that just sucks the energy and drive out of me. I can go the whole day, just staring at the TV, doing nothing. And that's not even the scariest part.

Scary is when cutting is a short lived respite from feeling empty, nothing. Scary is when you're upset the blood doesn't flow in rivulets the way you wanted it to. Scary is when you experiment with placement and depth. Scary is, testing out slashes, however shallow they may be, along your wrist.

Scary is when smoking, drinking & cutting doesn't seem to work anymore. Scary is when you feel like letting go and giving up. Scary is when you feel like the world is bearing down on you. Scary is... when you can't find the will to fight.

We never truly know when our last day is, nor whether we have the choice on when to go. If I'm the author of my life, this then, should by de facto, be my choice.