A continuation

So I left out the last, but definitely not least person from the previous post. And with good reason too.
She deserves way more than just a few paragraphs, of an already long gush over Dichelle.

Xue Yi. The 26 year old lawyer from Penang. She's sweet and she makes me feel so... touched at the little things she say. From implying that I'm a soothing source in an otherwise whirlwind of a life, to instantly giving me attention when I said I'm sad. I do like her. Maybe not the gushing kind like with Dichelle. But a slow & steady and gradually building momentum kind of wave of emotions.

At any rate, I want to start things off the right foot, and do right by her. I deleted my dating app accounts, and uninstalled them as well. I realize, I don't want to let this slip by me, before it blooms into something more.

It's been a week or so since the beginning part was written and saved as a draft. In this time we've only gotten closer and closer. Endearments are already on the table, ranging from sayang, dear, all the way to bii. Yes, it's mostly from me. But it's reciprocated, so it's not a lost cause.

Something weird kinda happened the past couple of days. Ever since she got back from Vietnam, she has been super crazy busy. And intellectually, I understand that and tried to give her space. Emotionally, it's like going cold turkey. I was rather... Emotional, for lack of a more encompassing word. Blue and down and out. I couldn't put a name to that emotion I was feeling. Naturally, the insecurities surfaced.

Started thinking about all the ridiculous What-Ifs. What if she doesn't want me anymore? What if this connection was all in my mind? What if I'm not good enough for her? What if she wants to get back with her ex? What if, she's ghosting on me? What if, I'm not special, but part of the crowd? After all, why would she choose me? Why would she want me? I'm nothing special after all.

All those thoughts, lingered in my mind. Ok, so, I kinda cried a lil on Tuesday night. I reached out to Tucker over the weekend, but he, God bless him, has amazing timing. He got back to me on Wednesday. We had a long chat, and I voiced out how I felt. T set me on the right path and sort of gave me a verbal dress down. LOL. I suppose, I kinda deserved that.

T then told me about his news. He just found out he has thyroid cancer, which, as far as cancers go, has one of the highest rate of survival past 10 years, and is a very very slow moving one. Again, intellectually, I understand that this is something that can be overcome; Emotionally, again, I kinda lost it? Hahahaha.

To top things off, XY didn't reply me the whole day. And when she did, she told me she didn't have a chance to eat at all. No rest whatsoever. That was the last straw to the floodgates. I, sort of nagged at her. As I was walking back, I started tearing. I was down the whole night, yet, somehow, I managed to put up a show when on the phone with mom! I have to thank Tracy for that, for pulling me out of that emotional void.

I called XY before I went bed. I know, I spoke in a small voice. I must have sounded horrible. She was so gentle when she said: I'm rushing for something at the moment. I call you back okay? She did call me back after half an hour, but I think I may have cried me to sleep already then. That was before 11, when I somehow dozed off. I woke up at half 12, and saw her text. We started texting then.

She apologized profusely, saying that she appreciates that I care, and that when she starts working, she will forget everything else except work. We talked more last night, more like a proper conversation. I realize, I don't mind sacrificing my time and sleep for her. I think, I'm falling for her, bit by bit, day by day.

I love, how she puts in the effort, time and energy. I love it even more, when she tries to put me as a priority. It can't be easy, having to slot in time for me, when her work is so consuming. The trend looks to be a weekly date night; this is touching, since that workaholic is putting me ahead of the others. Meeting her friends, isn't that daunting a prospect. Just haven't communicated this to her. I should, shouldn't I?

Fuck. I AM falling for her. God, how did this happen? And yet, it feels, kinda right? It's nice, not to be considered as an option. I look forward to her messages all the time. I talk nonsense when I do have her attention. I'm super affectionate when I talk to her. That fluttering feeling in me gut. Her messages make me smile, even if I'm only scrolling through old messages.

Pardon the rambling. I mentioned weird didn't I?

Weird 'cause, it felt like how we both handled, and reacted to this... situation, would have made or break this fragile connection between us. As a result, it felt like we passed some sort of test? And that our bond (?) got stronger. Or maybe I'm just projecting, and all this is in my mind.

Either way, I have a good feeling about this. That she, could just well be, the one. Too soon to tell, definitely, but the possibility is there, and prospects, at this point of time, seems bright.