Making Sense... Or the Lack of it

Making sense of whatever this is between me and XY, is akin to finding that minuscule needle in a giant haystack.

She said friendship. She behaves... Complicated.

Confusing? That's the understatement of the century.

What kind of friend, sleeps over practically every single day? That includes weekends. The amount of time spent together is insane. Sure, there's no hanky panky going on. Wait. There's NO hanky panky. Hence, this isn't a friends with benefits deal. At least, I understand friends with benefits. Basically friends who also fuck. The fucking part? Is a no strings attached deal.

And even then. You don't spend practically every day together. It's now.... 23rd January. So. 23 days into a new year. Of this 23 days? Just over a handful of days weren't spent together. That's like, 80% (rough estimation) of the time spent together.

I mean. We share the same bed. We leave home together. Sometimes, we have dinner together. Occasionally, we work together. We have supper together. She includes me in her plans. Behavior wise, it's like we're living together. Emotionally, now that's where I'm stumped.

Emotionally, I'm going with the flow. No expectations, no disappointments. Honestly, days when she tells me she's not staying over, I'm hardly upset. I indulge in some alcohol and tobacco, yes. Yet, I'm not moping around like I used to. Sure, I miss her. But I don't go calling her just because. Hell, I don't even text her much when she doesn't reply. I don't throw a big fuss no more.

Instinctively, it feels like she does have some form of feelings towards me. Feelings, as in beyond a normal friendship boundary kind of feelings. It's almost like, she could come to love me. She texts me whenever she has some breathing room/space, and she takes the initiative too. Admittedly, my initiatives are more muted these days. Muted, timid, uncertain, hesitant.

Ironically, she asked me a couple of times to move in with her. I said no. I did tell myself, that I won't mind spending the night at her place sometimes.

Logically, things will change when Grams is back. Not just Grams. The extended fam-bam too. Would I end up spending a couple of nights at her place on a weekly basis? Well, that's a good question. I might. That is, if mom isn't around.

I tell people, hell, I tell myself, that I'm playing the waiting game. And... I kind of am. I honestly want to see where this goes. I can't be the only one to feel that, this bond, this thing between us, could go a long way, and would endure.

Yet, the confusion of our situation is gradually wearing me down.