Words

Words, are a double edged sword.

They can soothe the soul and ease the pain. Likewise, they can be the cause.

Today, I'm in the mood to talk about the negative side of it.

Words. A spoken promise. They carry with them a sense of anticipation & expectations. When said promise falls through, the wave of disappointment that rolls in... hits hard. The greater the anticipation & expectation, the greater the crash. Like a roller coaster. The higher you climb, the greater the momentum created as you go on the descent, the bigger the impact.

I'm still waiting for that Date, that you asked me on to, the Date that you wanted me to dress up for.
I'm still waiting for that Weekend, that you promised no work would intrude.
I'm still waiting for that Question, that would make things official official between us.

When you asked me, if I would be angry, if you couldn't make it for the wedding dinner. My first thought was: do I come across as someone with very bad anger management skills? My first emotion was: that crash of disappointment. My first mental reaction was: laugh, followed by a question: what do you think?

What I did do though, was to look at you, take a couple of breaths, closed the lid of my laptop and focused on you.

I'm... actually pretty hurt, that you would think that my default emotion/reaction would be that of anger. I will not deny, that I do and have reacted in a less than pleasant manner before. Was it in anger though, I don't believe so. I'm more prone to disappointment. I will not deny, that I was, am, very disappointed and upset. When I asked you why didn't you tell me earlier, I was referring to when I first asked you, after the funeral. I... You could have told me you would need to arrange matters. Maybe then, I'd not have my hopes up.

I also won't deny, that I curled up on the floor of the showers last night, and hugged my knees. Later in bed, when I asked you: when I turn my back on you like that, wouldn't you want to comfort me? Instead, you wrapped me in the blanket. I understand, that you didn't want me to catch cold. However, sometimes, it feels as if what I'd be expecting, isn't how you'll react. I had hoped, that you'll hold me close, and snuggle with me under the blanket. I just, wanted... needed that 5 minutes of you holding me. Not, you wrapping me in blanket and hugging me then. I wanted to ask you then, if you thought of me as your gf. If so, since when. I'm a coward. I daren't ask, for I'm afraid of the answer.

Do I repulse you? In that, you don't like skin to skin contact with me? Has being with me, become like a chore to you?

I miss, having that intimacy with you. It's not even about sex. I like having skin to skin contact with you, be it holding hands, hugging waists, or just cuddling. Cuddling is good. I like kissing you too. Kissing, not pecking. Full blown kissing, with tongue and saliva and lots of groping. Groping, not necessarily leading to making love. Sex is good, definitely. However, I seek that intimacy behind it. I don't want sex to be just that: sex.

See, I don't know if I'm overthinking it, or being oversensitive. I know that you're holding back. I don't think we've recovered from that deep, long, painful conversation we had when you were in Penang. I can sense you pulling away, being wary again. I'm trying, to conform to you. I'm willing to bend, for you. Doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. However, my bending isn't fundamental to my being; and I value this... relationship (?). Hence bending.

You think there are times I'm pushing too hard. Perhaps, I'm desperate. I'm trying to hold on to this, to us, to you. Yet. The harder I try, the least favorable the outcome is.

Or maybe I'm reading too much into this, and you're just busy and preoccupied with work.

I can't fight with realities of life, ghosts and family. I just hope, that if you ever read this post, that you don't take me for granted.