Confusion

A perpetual state of confusion.

That's what has been happening over the past 2 weeks.

I never expected to feel this depressed. This is even worse than when I ended things with Tasha. It's bad enough that I can't sleep much, a serious loss of appetite, and even to the extent of excessive drinking and smoking, and also self harm.

Yeah, self harm. I cut.

It's.... probably not my proudest moment, nor my proudest action. Yet, I didn't regret it.

So. What's confusing is. Her actions and her words don't match. She says she doesn't know how to love anymore. Yet, she loves me more than a friend. She says she doesn't do casual sex, yet, she wanted to give it a go. She doesn't have feelings for me, yet, she pecks me on the lips before we part each time. She doesn't love me romantically, yet, she sent me flowers. She doesn't love me, yet, she likes my company. She asks my opinion on matters. What's more, is that she alluded that my company keeps the loneliness at bay. Her exact words: I'm getting lonelier and lonelier. Lucky I still have you, to keep me company.

Sigh.

I managed to get some insight. So my dear is depressed. And she mentioned something about everything going downhill since she was 18. And from what I managed to gather, it's in part related to her sexuality, her preconceived notions of gender/behavior/attitude, her dad's death & her failed relationships (with it come the reasons they broke up).

I love her. I truly do. And that's what's making me have second thoughts about leaving so soon. Trace told me, loving someone, is to let them go and grow at their own pace. Loving someone, is also being what they need at that point of time. As much as I think we're meant to be, this is probably not the right time. Perhaps, it's meeting the right person, at the right place, but not the right time.

Torn.

That's how I feel right now. How can I leave her side, by venturing so far away, when she needs me? Yet, I can't deny that I too, am to a certain extent, depressed and need to heal. It can't be healthy, for me to push aside my feelings, and focus on her. The emotional strain it would have, would be unbearable.

I love her company, which further complicates things.