She called me this morning.
Granted, it was just to ask about her vape device. Then, I heard a girl's voice, loud and clear.
There was a spark of, something. Despair? Jealousy? It dissipated as quickly as it came, lasting all of a split second. However, it's something that is gnawing inside of me. It makes me more aware of the emptiness within.
These days, I feel like there's a ball of nothingness, that threatens to grow and overwhelm me. It feels like a black hole, that just sucks the energy and drive out of me. I can go the whole day, just staring at the TV, doing nothing. And that's not even the scariest part.
Scary is when cutting is a short lived respite from feeling empty, nothing. Scary is when you're upset the blood doesn't flow in rivulets the way you wanted it to. Scary is when you experiment with placement and depth. Scary is, testing out slashes, however shallow they may be, along your wrist.
Scary is when smoking, drinking & cutting doesn't seem to work anymore. Scary is when you feel like letting go and giving up. Scary is when you feel like the world is bearing down on you. Scary is... when you can't find the will to fight.
We never truly know when our last day is, nor whether we have the choice on when to go. If I'm the author of my life, this then, should by de facto, be my choice.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Friday, May 25, 2018
Out of Sorts
Managed to talk to Mich for a while today. She's currently at Taipei, with her new gf. We were chatting, because she was chilling at a cafe, waiting for her gf to be done with her hair: cut, dye and whatever, to quote Mich.
she said: you can never be friends with someone you love. It's a torture and it's true.
Truth be told, it's something I'm trying not to think about. I'm trying... to lock away my feelings for her. Do I love her? Am I in love with her? Those, are pivoting points, and very relevant questions to be considered.
Lately, I've been teetering on the verge of breaking down and cry. Yet, somehow, it feels like the dam isn't ready to burst yet. Lately, I've also been feeling rather, down. It's not really something in specific that's making me down. It's just a general feeling.
So, back to the key questions:
'Do I love her?'
'Am I in love with her?'
Yeah, I do love her. I love her, to the point that not hearing from her, is its own brand of torment. It's at that point where, after spending time with her, my emotions will crash. I love her enough, to let her go. Can't go keeping a bird in a cage, however golden it may be, gilded it remains. I can't deny either, there's a part of me, that hopes she will come back to me.
I definitely feel like, there's some form of connection between us. Whether it blossoms into something more, I guess only time will tell. Who knows? Maybe years from now, I'll look back at this post, and laugh at myself for being emotional.
Do I love her? There's a part of me that feels bitter whenever she mentions the Nurse. Feels like she kinda likes her, and there's some form of connection/chemistry between them. Hati pedih. I guess, i feel that one day, I'd be toss to the side, like yesterday's garbage.
Then she goes and do stuff like, making it a point to have dessert with me, knowing that it's something I want, even if it's not something she likes. Sometimes, she makes it a point, to go out of her way, to make me feel special/important. And it's times like this, that make it hard for me to shelf my feelings.
I think, it's safe to say, I believe, I love her. Am I in love with her tho? That's the million dollar question. That's a question, I'm afraid of knowing the answer to.
she said: you can never be friends with someone you love. It's a torture and it's true.
Truth be told, it's something I'm trying not to think about. I'm trying... to lock away my feelings for her. Do I love her? Am I in love with her? Those, are pivoting points, and very relevant questions to be considered.
Lately, I've been teetering on the verge of breaking down and cry. Yet, somehow, it feels like the dam isn't ready to burst yet. Lately, I've also been feeling rather, down. It's not really something in specific that's making me down. It's just a general feeling.
So, back to the key questions:
'Do I love her?'
'Am I in love with her?'
Yeah, I do love her. I love her, to the point that not hearing from her, is its own brand of torment. It's at that point where, after spending time with her, my emotions will crash. I love her enough, to let her go. Can't go keeping a bird in a cage, however golden it may be, gilded it remains. I can't deny either, there's a part of me, that hopes she will come back to me.
I definitely feel like, there's some form of connection between us. Whether it blossoms into something more, I guess only time will tell. Who knows? Maybe years from now, I'll look back at this post, and laugh at myself for being emotional.
Do I love her? There's a part of me that feels bitter whenever she mentions the Nurse. Feels like she kinda likes her, and there's some form of connection/chemistry between them. Hati pedih. I guess, i feel that one day, I'd be toss to the side, like yesterday's garbage.
Then she goes and do stuff like, making it a point to have dessert with me, knowing that it's something I want, even if it's not something she likes. Sometimes, she makes it a point, to go out of her way, to make me feel special/important. And it's times like this, that make it hard for me to shelf my feelings.
I think, it's safe to say, I believe, I love her. Am I in love with her tho? That's the million dollar question. That's a question, I'm afraid of knowing the answer to.
Saturday, March 24, 2018
cutting
Did you know?
The skin is thinner, the closer you get to the wrist?
Just the light scrapping of the blade against the flesh, and the cut would keep oozing blood. I had no idea, that this would be the case. At any rate, it feels like a million ant bites across the entire length of the cut.
I don't know why, my emotions took a downward plunge after coming back from Phuket. Even hearing from XY, doesn't do anything to lift my spirits. When I'm with company, it's easy to put on a mask. When I'm alone though, I just feel empty.
I have no feelings whatsoever. No drive to do anything, no desire to want anything. With the blade though, somehow, there's something really mesmerizing, in how the blood flows out. Now almost all 4 limbs bear a cut of sorts; my inner right thigh, my left calf, and my left forearm. The right thigh was a little unexpected, as there was no immediate blood. It just started itching after a bit.
It's odd. Somehow, the cutting and the bleeding captures my attention vividly. Even more so when you see the droplets of blood flow out the cut. And when the cuts ache, I finally feel something. I don't quite feel joy anymore. Joy as in, something a bit more long term. Sure, for that fleeting moments when something positive happens, there's a slight uplifting of emotions, and the corners of my mouth. However, it doesn't last, nor does it dispels the dark.
I'm starting to understand a little bit, how Jein possibly feels. There's nothing inside. Just a void. Just emptiness. No expectations no disappointments; nothing to look forward to, nothing to dread. There's just nothing.
And that's terrifying. The abyss within scares me witless.
The skin is thinner, the closer you get to the wrist?
Just the light scrapping of the blade against the flesh, and the cut would keep oozing blood. I had no idea, that this would be the case. At any rate, it feels like a million ant bites across the entire length of the cut.
I don't know why, my emotions took a downward plunge after coming back from Phuket. Even hearing from XY, doesn't do anything to lift my spirits. When I'm with company, it's easy to put on a mask. When I'm alone though, I just feel empty.
I have no feelings whatsoever. No drive to do anything, no desire to want anything. With the blade though, somehow, there's something really mesmerizing, in how the blood flows out. Now almost all 4 limbs bear a cut of sorts; my inner right thigh, my left calf, and my left forearm. The right thigh was a little unexpected, as there was no immediate blood. It just started itching after a bit.
It's odd. Somehow, the cutting and the bleeding captures my attention vividly. Even more so when you see the droplets of blood flow out the cut. And when the cuts ache, I finally feel something. I don't quite feel joy anymore. Joy as in, something a bit more long term. Sure, for that fleeting moments when something positive happens, there's a slight uplifting of emotions, and the corners of my mouth. However, it doesn't last, nor does it dispels the dark.
I'm starting to understand a little bit, how Jein possibly feels. There's nothing inside. Just a void. Just emptiness. No expectations no disappointments; nothing to look forward to, nothing to dread. There's just nothing.
And that's terrifying. The abyss within scares me witless.
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Trip to Phuket
A last minute trip, with tickets and accommodations booked within the same week. Pricey, but worth it, in my personal opinion.
Sure, we spent close to RM 3k. To me though, the memories, are priceless.
We departed from KL on Friday, after work. And as luck would have it, we bumped into each other at the train station at KL Sentral. A pleasant surprise indeed. Upon arrival, we roamed around town and managed to snag supper. Roasted pork leg soup and the classic spicy fish tomyam.
The next day, we decided to rent a scooter and rode to the beach which was 10+km away, but a journey that took approx. 40 minutes. It was definitely an experience, considering how I never rode a scooter before. I got me a tattoo, a semicolon with a heart to replace the full stop atop the comma. A semicolon to pay tribute to the Semicolon Project, which aims to promote mental health, in particularly depression and suicidal tendencies.
The tattoo is dear to me, in that, friends and family around me are affected by mental illness. Also, I'm prone to self harm and depression. I will not forget that 2-3 weeks, where the 'breakup' shook me to the core, and I gave in to depression and cutting. The quote behind the Semicolon Project is this:
' A semicolon is used when the author decides not to end the sentence. I am the author of my story, and the sentence is my life.'
We met with a minor accident on the way back. She got off with a bruise to the knee and a few lacerations. Me, I have a bruise on my butt, and a couple of blisters on the leg. Naturally, the scooter wasn't undamaged.
The next day, we went on the Phi Phi Island tour on a speedboat. It was a good time spent, and beautiful pictures taken. She bought the framed picture of the both of us, which I insisted that she kept it.
Day 3, we went on the James Bond Island tour on a big boat. This time, the day started out sour, with me accidentally knocking the bag into the sea. The bag, containing important documents and our passports. She was angry and yelled at me. The tour itself was alright, with the highlights being the kayaking sessions and some pictures. En route back, we decided to get a room at Patong Beach, and check out the nightlife at Bangla Road.
We had drinks there, and hit a pub at the corner of the road. The live band was fabulous and the drinks decent. Surprisingly, her tolerance was lower then mine, and she was definitely tipsy when we walked back.
Day 4, well. Day 4 was spent working and burning under the sun. We parted ways at the airport when we arrived back in KL.
I had fun. The trip served to show me that she does care, but not entirely in a non-platonic manner. Probably more like a very close friend. Part of me is sadden by this. I love her, as a friend and companion. Yet, I also hold romantic feelings for her. I suppose, it's really time to move on, somehow.
Sure, we spent close to RM 3k. To me though, the memories, are priceless.
We departed from KL on Friday, after work. And as luck would have it, we bumped into each other at the train station at KL Sentral. A pleasant surprise indeed. Upon arrival, we roamed around town and managed to snag supper. Roasted pork leg soup and the classic spicy fish tomyam.
The next day, we decided to rent a scooter and rode to the beach which was 10+km away, but a journey that took approx. 40 minutes. It was definitely an experience, considering how I never rode a scooter before. I got me a tattoo, a semicolon with a heart to replace the full stop atop the comma. A semicolon to pay tribute to the Semicolon Project, which aims to promote mental health, in particularly depression and suicidal tendencies.
The tattoo is dear to me, in that, friends and family around me are affected by mental illness. Also, I'm prone to self harm and depression. I will not forget that 2-3 weeks, where the 'breakup' shook me to the core, and I gave in to depression and cutting. The quote behind the Semicolon Project is this:
' A semicolon is used when the author decides not to end the sentence. I am the author of my story, and the sentence is my life.'
We met with a minor accident on the way back. She got off with a bruise to the knee and a few lacerations. Me, I have a bruise on my butt, and a couple of blisters on the leg. Naturally, the scooter wasn't undamaged.
The next day, we went on the Phi Phi Island tour on a speedboat. It was a good time spent, and beautiful pictures taken. She bought the framed picture of the both of us, which I insisted that she kept it.
Day 3, we went on the James Bond Island tour on a big boat. This time, the day started out sour, with me accidentally knocking the bag into the sea. The bag, containing important documents and our passports. She was angry and yelled at me. The tour itself was alright, with the highlights being the kayaking sessions and some pictures. En route back, we decided to get a room at Patong Beach, and check out the nightlife at Bangla Road.
We had drinks there, and hit a pub at the corner of the road. The live band was fabulous and the drinks decent. Surprisingly, her tolerance was lower then mine, and she was definitely tipsy when we walked back.
Day 4, well. Day 4 was spent working and burning under the sun. We parted ways at the airport when we arrived back in KL.
I had fun. The trip served to show me that she does care, but not entirely in a non-platonic manner. Probably more like a very close friend. Part of me is sadden by this. I love her, as a friend and companion. Yet, I also hold romantic feelings for her. I suppose, it's really time to move on, somehow.
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Making Sense... Or the Lack of it
Making sense of whatever this is between me and XY, is akin to finding that minuscule needle in a giant haystack.
She said friendship. She behaves... Complicated.
Confusing? That's the understatement of the century.
What kind of friend, sleeps over practically every single day? That includes weekends. The amount of time spent together is insane. Sure, there's no hanky panky going on. Wait. There's NO hanky panky. Hence, this isn't a friends with benefits deal. At least, I understand friends with benefits. Basically friends who also fuck. The fucking part? Is a no strings attached deal.
And even then. You don't spend practically every day together. It's now.... 23rd January. So. 23 days into a new year. Of this 23 days? Just over a handful of days weren't spent together. That's like, 80% (rough estimation) of the time spent together.
I mean. We share the same bed. We leave home together. Sometimes, we have dinner together. Occasionally, we work together. We have supper together. She includes me in her plans. Behavior wise, it's like we're living together. Emotionally, now that's where I'm stumped.
Emotionally, I'm going with the flow. No expectations, no disappointments. Honestly, days when she tells me she's not staying over, I'm hardly upset. I indulge in some alcohol and tobacco, yes. Yet, I'm not moping around like I used to. Sure, I miss her. But I don't go calling her just because. Hell, I don't even text her much when she doesn't reply. I don't throw a big fuss no more.
Instinctively, it feels like she does have some form of feelings towards me. Feelings, as in beyond a normal friendship boundary kind of feelings. It's almost like, she could come to love me. She texts me whenever she has some breathing room/space, and she takes the initiative too. Admittedly, my initiatives are more muted these days. Muted, timid, uncertain, hesitant.
Ironically, she asked me a couple of times to move in with her. I said no. I did tell myself, that I won't mind spending the night at her place sometimes.
Logically, things will change when Grams is back. Not just Grams. The extended fam-bam too. Would I end up spending a couple of nights at her place on a weekly basis? Well, that's a good question. I might. That is, if mom isn't around.
I tell people, hell, I tell myself, that I'm playing the waiting game. And... I kind of am. I honestly want to see where this goes. I can't be the only one to feel that, this bond, this thing between us, could go a long way, and would endure.
Yet, the confusion of our situation is gradually wearing me down.
She said friendship. She behaves... Complicated.
Confusing? That's the understatement of the century.
What kind of friend, sleeps over practically every single day? That includes weekends. The amount of time spent together is insane. Sure, there's no hanky panky going on. Wait. There's NO hanky panky. Hence, this isn't a friends with benefits deal. At least, I understand friends with benefits. Basically friends who also fuck. The fucking part? Is a no strings attached deal.
And even then. You don't spend practically every day together. It's now.... 23rd January. So. 23 days into a new year. Of this 23 days? Just over a handful of days weren't spent together. That's like, 80% (rough estimation) of the time spent together.
I mean. We share the same bed. We leave home together. Sometimes, we have dinner together. Occasionally, we work together. We have supper together. She includes me in her plans. Behavior wise, it's like we're living together. Emotionally, now that's where I'm stumped.
Emotionally, I'm going with the flow. No expectations, no disappointments. Honestly, days when she tells me she's not staying over, I'm hardly upset. I indulge in some alcohol and tobacco, yes. Yet, I'm not moping around like I used to. Sure, I miss her. But I don't go calling her just because. Hell, I don't even text her much when she doesn't reply. I don't throw a big fuss no more.
Instinctively, it feels like she does have some form of feelings towards me. Feelings, as in beyond a normal friendship boundary kind of feelings. It's almost like, she could come to love me. She texts me whenever she has some breathing room/space, and she takes the initiative too. Admittedly, my initiatives are more muted these days. Muted, timid, uncertain, hesitant.
Ironically, she asked me a couple of times to move in with her. I said no. I did tell myself, that I won't mind spending the night at her place sometimes.
Logically, things will change when Grams is back. Not just Grams. The extended fam-bam too. Would I end up spending a couple of nights at her place on a weekly basis? Well, that's a good question. I might. That is, if mom isn't around.
I tell people, hell, I tell myself, that I'm playing the waiting game. And... I kind of am. I honestly want to see where this goes. I can't be the only one to feel that, this bond, this thing between us, could go a long way, and would endure.
Yet, the confusion of our situation is gradually wearing me down.
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