Out of Sorts

Managed to talk to Mich for a while today. She's currently at Taipei, with her new gf. We were chatting, because she was chilling at a cafe, waiting for her gf to be done with her hair: cut, dye and whatever, to quote Mich.

she said: you can never be friends with someone you love. It's a torture and it's true.

Truth be told, it's something I'm trying not to think about. I'm trying... to lock away my feelings for her. Do I love her? Am I in love with her? Those, are pivoting points, and very relevant questions to be considered.

Lately, I've been teetering on the verge of breaking down and cry. Yet, somehow, it feels like the dam isn't ready to burst yet. Lately, I've also been feeling rather, down. It's not really something in specific that's making me down. It's just a general feeling.

So, back to the key questions:
'Do I love her?'
'Am I in love with her?'

Yeah, I do love her. I love her, to the point that not hearing from her, is its own brand of torment. It's at that point where, after spending time with her, my emotions will crash. I love her enough, to let her go. Can't go keeping a bird in a cage, however golden it may be, gilded it remains. I can't deny either, there's a part of me, that hopes she will come back to me.

I definitely feel like, there's some form of connection between us. Whether it blossoms into something more, I guess only time will tell. Who knows? Maybe years from now, I'll look back at this post, and laugh at myself for being emotional.

Do I love her? There's a part of me that feels bitter whenever she mentions the Nurse. Feels like she kinda likes her, and there's some form of connection/chemistry between them. Hati pedih. I guess, i feel that one day, I'd be toss to the side, like yesterday's garbage.

Then she goes and do stuff like, making it a point to have dessert with me, knowing that it's something I want, even if it's not something she likes. Sometimes, she makes it a point, to go out of her way, to make me feel special/important. And it's times like this, that make it hard for me to shelf my feelings.

I think, it's safe to say, I believe, I love her. Am I in love with her tho? That's the million dollar question. That's a question, I'm afraid of knowing the answer to.