Uncertainties, insecurities

As I'm writing this, so many thoughts running through my head, through my heart.

Your silence cuts like a knife. I can't help but to be transported back to the time, when you just got back from Korea. We never did talked about that period of time. Yet, it's still a hurt I carry till now.

Im trying so hard, not to push you to respond, to talk to me. Yet, communication is a 2 way street. Isn't it? I actually thought we were good. When you texted me that Monday night, and subsequently the days after, I felt the change. I felt the love.

Something happened on Monday. Idk what. You said it was a case you didn't get. Yet. You changed. You revert back to how you were in Korea and after Korea. I never did make any comments, about you needing to work that week in Dec that I'm on leave. Despite you promising me that the week has been blocked off in your calendar. Honestly, I feel like, we might as well not make a trip to anywhere. I don't want to pay a bomb, just for a short 4 days with you.

Your silence hurts. Idk what to do, to make you talk to me. I can text, but you not responding, is similar to me talking to myself, no? At least talking to myself, I get an immediate response. I don't get left hanging, expecting a reply; only to wake up the next day seeing none.

You asking for time out, was the biggest blow you could have dealt. If you felt me suffocating you, you could always asked me to back off. Instead, you exploded, and said you didn't feel the love. And all I did was show concern. You asked for time out. That's why I'm still waiting for you to ask to talk. Then you go and text me just a day after asking for time out. Did you manage to figure things out so fast?

Just when I'm starting to hope again, this happens. I feel like a puppet on strings, with my heart as the yo-yo. You do this, I respond this way. You say that, I react that way. You call me love, it tugs on my heartstrings. You smile when you see me, the corners of my lips move on its own accord.

Your silence kills. I'm aware, that I'm madly in love with you. I'm willing to sacrifice my dreams to support yours, to make yours a success. I'm willing to help you however I can, to make your dreams a reality. I'm willing to be your sounding board, and your punching bag. I love you so much, it hurts. What I'm unsure of, is your feelings towards me, along with the depth of said feelings.