cutting

Did you know?
The skin is thinner, the closer you get to the wrist?

Just the light scrapping of the blade against the flesh, and the cut would keep oozing blood. I had no idea, that this would be the case. At any rate, it feels like a million ant bites across the entire length of the cut.

I don't know why, my emotions took a downward plunge after coming back from Phuket. Even hearing from XY, doesn't do anything to lift my spirits. When I'm with company, it's easy to put on a mask. When I'm alone though, I just feel empty.

I have no feelings whatsoever. No drive to do anything, no desire to want anything. With the blade though, somehow, there's something really mesmerizing, in how the blood flows out. Now almost all 4 limbs bear a cut of sorts; my inner right thigh, my left calf, and my left forearm. The right thigh was a little unexpected, as there was no immediate blood. It just started itching after a bit.

It's odd. Somehow, the cutting and the bleeding captures my attention vividly. Even more so when you see the droplets of blood flow out the cut. And when the cuts ache, I finally feel something. I don't quite feel joy anymore. Joy as in, something a bit more long term. Sure, for that fleeting moments when something positive happens, there's a slight uplifting of emotions, and the corners of my mouth. However, it doesn't last, nor does it dispels the dark.

I'm starting to understand a little bit, how Jein possibly feels. There's nothing inside. Just a void. Just emptiness. No expectations no disappointments; nothing to look forward to, nothing to dread. There's just nothing.

And that's terrifying. The abyss within scares me witless.