My Hometown

So I semi attended this online writing circle chaired by Nana. It was about creative writing. So the prompt for the day was: my hometown. I got to thinking about it. I wanted to showcase the contrast between the past and the present. And it somehow had this melancholy, sombre tone to it.

My hometown
My place of birth
Where childhood memories reside
Seremban 

Not huge and confusing and forever changing
Like its bigger cousin Kuala Lumpur
Nor small and close knitted
Where every neighbor is a friend you know by name 

Just the right size of population and development
Where there's some familiarity amidst uncertainty
Where there's friends amongst strangers
Where the new blends and complements the old

Where once traffic jams are an irregularity
It's now a growing consistency
Where old school coffee shops once filled with the thrilling of magpies
It's now a concrete landfill marked as parking

My Alma mater stood proudly against the cliff face
Now said cliff face has been leveled for further expansion
The teachers I once feared and respected
Have since relinquished their responsibilities and embraced retirement

The playground dad used to bring me to
Still stands, just lonelier
The lake garden that is the pride and joy of the town
Still stands, just less shady

My hometown
Is a small place
Yet
Is a big part within my heart

As I read this over and over again, it somehow lacks an emotional connection behind it. It started off factual and descriptory,  followed by the changes wrung by development. Yet, it felt right ending where it did. Honestly? I had no idea what else to include in it.

Epiphany

So it was a pretty good weekend, despite the fact that my calves hurt like a m*****f*****.

I caught up with SP on Saturday afternoon, and Joanne that same night. Talking to SP, made me realize just how fortunate I am to have her in my life. We met in, 2004. That's 12 years of friendship. Despite that small gap where I consciously avoided her while I dealt with my emotions, we're pretty tight.

Not in the sense that we talk daily, but rather, somehow, we're always there for each other. Poor girl is facing the decision of her life: To marry or not to marry. Well. Relationship issues. Towards the end, we briefly talked about me. My decision is an even bigger decision than hers: To pursue the PR or not to.

With Joanne, we caught up a fair bit, again, on the relationship part. She shared about her past relationships and her concerns. We talked about me and my relationships, or lack of. Going home that night, we continued talking for a bit.

The conclusions I drew from talking to Joanne, is that, command of the language, English, is a big deal for me. As submissive and willing to compromise as I am, I can't be attracted to someone who's not good with communicating in English. This is because I'm most comfortable with this language. Malay is fine, Chinese is ok, but the deal clincher is English.

This re-affirms the fact that, intelligence is a huge turn on for me. Being able to banter and trade remarks gets me all heated up. I suppose, that's a reason why I'm not quite as attracted to Chinese as compared to other races. That, is the pivoting reason why I'm so attracted to Nana. Sasi comes in 2nd, purely because of his gender.

I realize, I don't care about height, looks or education level. I care that the other party has to be financially independent, and is able to carry on a conversation. Doesn't quite matter if she's short or tall, good looking or not, with a degree or not. As long as they can support themselves financially, and we can click on a conversational level, it's enough for me.

With SP, we talked about expectations, actions and reactions. My impression was that, her mindset has changed from a 'we' perspective, to a 'me' perspective, and I told her this. She agreed. She, has come to a point of no return. The only thing holding her back, is the fact that it's been 6-7 years of being together, and that there's a sense of reluctance. 'When a person ceases to be angry or to bother caring, all that's left is a sea of disappointment.'

I'm slowly getting there, with Nana, to be honest. Joanne keeps telling me not to bother with her, she just doesn't know that I'm getting more than a bit frustrated. It feels like, nothing I do is going to get through. I'm definitely infatuated with Nana. Yet, I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder. And that hurts.

Both my calves and my heart hurts.

Serabai

So I learned a new word today: serabai.

Apparently it means messy. Disorganized. Disheveled. Haywire.

Flirting with Sasi, is amusing. To be honest, I can't quite picture myself fucking him. I suppose I could, but not quite enough to sext. Sexting a girl tho. That's a different story.

I much rather fuck Nana. And that, is the truth. A woman's body, a woman's curves, just scream out to me. I THINK she's willing to go along with the fucking. Like, I believe that she's somewhat interested to fuck. But then again, I could be wrong.

I wrote this relatively long post about Nana yesterday. I published it.... and turned around and deleted it by accident. How idiotic. So yea, Nana. She's... INTRIGUING. She's a personality that I've never encountered among my circle of friends. She's intense, passionate, outspoken & fiery. She's like a bite of wasabi. It hits you when you first take a bite, and hits you harder when you swallow.

A multi-talented artist. That's how'd I describe her. The girl can sing, paint, write, is a fabulous spoken poet and does the occasional life art modeling. She's comfortable in her own skin, and that, in itself, is confidence. Confidence, for me, is a turn on. Coupled with an immerse wit and intelligence, that is the line, hook and sinker.

She's interesting. And it's been ages since I've came across someone that attracts my attention as much and as consistent as her. There's just something about her, that draws me like a moth to a flame. I suppose, like all artists, she has a certain charm to her person. An aura, if you will, that causes people to notice her in a full room. Crowd control, just like her alter ego in ML: BB. *laughs* Charisma. That's the word.

Gosh. Looks like I'm going on and on and on about this amazing lady. It's odd. I don't normally open up much to people, much less a person I barely know. Perhaps she was just at the right place, at the right time. Doubt it, but hey, I should entertain the possibility right?

My impression of her, and this is purely speculation, is that she's emotionally driven. In that, it's like a roller coaster ride. Impossible highs and diving lows. I'm talking about her emotional state of mind. Perhaps I'm just projecting, but that is what appears in my mind eye when I think of her. I could be wrong, and maybe I'm not that great at reading people after all. Only time would tell. I hope that, and I want that, this would be a friendship, with benefits or not, that would last. For she truly is a wonder and a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stale world.

Stray Thoughts

I don't really have a topic that I particularly want to explore right now, but I have an urge to write. So here's a small collection of the various topics that hamster wheel in my minuscule grey matter world.

I think I'm losing Nor's attention. Not sure if it's a bad thing. A nagging feeling at the back of my brain, that I'm the one who's being cold and she's just reacting. Not too sure, but there's a possibility to that.

Easy to fall into a conversation with Esty. However, there's a certain sense of motive behind this friendship. Do I want to address the elephant in the room? Maybe I'm just over sensitive.

I have this bad habit of procrastinating when I feel pressured. This is evident in my work. I haven't quite a clear cut idea of what I'm doing, and as a result, I find it hard to focus when I don't even have that starting point. Perhaps I let things overwhelm me too fast too soon.

Yes, I keep insisting that I don't want a long term relationship now. Still, I think deep down I want one. So contradictory. I guess, I want that companionship? Another file to be processed later on; Shove it to the back corner.

I've been feeling lost, one way or another, ever since things with Tasha fell apart. Felt like, the compass is spoilt, ship lost its anchor, and stars aren't out to play. Been struggling on and off, and it's something that's affecting my professional life as well. If you asked me back then, I'd tell you, my aim is to migrate to the States to be with Tasha; build a family together, work things out together. Now? I've not a clue, in all honesty.

A broken record is what i sound like. Quite apt too. I know I DON'T want to be in an operations based job role. Then what? No idea. Feels like I've been camping at this crossroads for ages. So I'm currently in a non-operations role. More of a middle office kind of position, where it's not back end, nor is it entirely client facing. Perhaps more of a 70% back end, 30% client facing. Or even a 80/20. A question Tasha recently asked me: Do you like your job. In all fairness, I don't hate the job. I'm just not sure I'm suitable for this job.

Movie Date

A night out, once a while, is a stress reliever. A night out with your BFF is even more so, especially when we don't hang that often no more.

So it was a relatively impromptu decision to have dinner and watch Fast & Furious 8 together. A text on Wednesday for a meet up on Thursday. Sitting down to dinner, we started talking, and she started unloading. You know the saying, 'The grass is always greener on the other side"? It's kind of true. So I'd admit, sometimes, I envy her. High paying job, house under her name, a typical family back in Seremban, and someone to spend the rest of her life with.

Yes, I have a relatively high paying job, but, not quite as high; I have a condo, not a house under my name; my family is atypical 'cause mom's the breadwinner, not dad; I've still very much single. Haha. I realize I've been comparing me to her. Doesn't mean I'm not proud of what I've accomplished so far. It's just, sometimes, in comparison...

Materials aside, it's not that big a deal to me. I've gotten where I am today based on my own merits so there's really nothing to whine about. Now, that last bit, is what I sometimes envy, not just her, but everyone else who has this. Yada yada, I know I said I'm not actively searching for a relationship, much less long term. Still.

So she's supposed to get hitched next year. She was telling me about how stressful work is, and that she's seriously considering quitting. On top of work, the wedding planning seems to be stagnant. She shared details on this, and told me, she's already at her limit. If the wedding happens, it's only because she picked up the planning where he left it. She said, she's thinking about breaking up.

Initially, I was shocked. I was like, babe, why? You've been together for what, 7 years? And this behavior of his didn't happen overnight. She said, yes it didn't. But it's getting worse. He was the one who wanted to get married. But where's the effort? Other than making reservations for the restaurant and pre-wedding photoshoot, nothing else is planned. If nothing else is planned, how to send out invites for the wedding?

She unloaded quite a bit yesterday and my heart went out to her. The whole point of this post, I suppose, other than a means for me to somewhat organize my thoughts, is to highlight that sometimes it's good to get out and spend time with friends. Work gets to all of us, one way or another. But we humans are social beings, well, majority of us are. And the occasional human interaction helps. Talking about things that bother you, or even writing them down, helps a lot.

Everyone's life seems rosy on the outside, but that not necessarily true. Appearances can be deceiving. In this time and age, what seems to be may not be what it actually is.

We went for a movie after chatting, and it proved to be the distraction she needed. After the movie, she was all smiles again, and her demeanor changed. That girl is my best friend, and coincidentally my 1st crush ever. Love her to the moon and back again. And I reckon, all I want for her is to be happy. I'd support her in any decision she makes, as long as it's something she wants to do. So if she wants to break up, break up lah!

Yes, I ramble quite a bit and go off track often. Oh. As a post script, Fast & Furious 8 was pretty decent. A tad predictable, but decent enough.

It's been a while...

Fear.

I'm scared of taking that 1st step
Into the unknown
Into the unexplored
Into the dark

I'm afraid
Of making that move
Of taking that leap of faith
Of putting my fate in someone else's hand

I fear
The unpredictability
The vast possibilities, both good and bad
The uncertainty

I detest
Not being in control
Not knowing what to anticipate
Not having the solid ground beneath my feet

I'm not good
At expressing myself
At communicating my desires
At pleasing me

Yet when words fail me,
This calms me;
Long way more to conquer Fear
Still, every move counts

Contemplation pt1

Well. Before I start off the actual post, I wanted to post an update on the previous. As it turns out, happily married lady is in an open relationship. So, it's all good again (pardon the horn dog sticking out it's tongue)

Right, so talking about contemplation. I was lying in bed, almost nodding off, when this thought struck me: What do I want in life. With that, say bye bye to Beauty Sleep. All of a sudden, a torrent flood of questions started crowding around. Where do I want to be at. What do I want in terms of career. What am I looking for. What are my life goals. What direction am I heading for. What AM I doing with my life now. How do I go about achieving what I want to achieve. What DO I want to achieve.

What. Where. Why. How. Who.

Thanks WH family for paying me a visit in the dead of the night.

I reckon. The most pressing and fundamental position goes to What.

What do I want in life:
- A steady income, preferably a 5 figured one.
- A steady side income, from the various investments.
- A family. A partner that adores me, and maybe kids. A couple would do.
- Financial freedom to do what I want, when I want, how I want, with whom I want.

  Where am I currently in relation to achieving what I want in life:
- Halfway there.
- There's some side income, but not quite as steady. Growing at an average speed, considering the current economical situation
- Nowhere near. I'm not even out to my family, and probably will not in the near future. Besides, there's no potential candidate as yet. Why bother rocking the boat. Let lying dogs lie.
- Saddled with a mortgage, various insurances and a car loan. Nowhere close in this aspect either.

What are the various aspects to my life that needs to be managed:
- The car loan. Probably due in 3 years or so
- The mortgage. Considering the location of the condo, my financial situation, as well as my job location, it's not quite as practical to stay there. Odds are I'd probably rent/lease it out. It'll help with the mortgage payment too.
- Migration. I'll be 30 next year. It's time to kick start the migration process. Start off by taking my IELTS. Academic grade, no less.
- Career. With me aiming to kick start the migration process next year. What kind of career/job prospects am I look at/for? Do I tell my manager about my plans? This requires further consideration from all angles.
- Parents. Again, as the by results of my migration decision, what am I going to do with my folks? If I can't settle on a win-win solution, I might not even kick start the migration process. Yet, this migration/PR thing, is something I want, for my future.

So many things to take into consideration. My head hurts. More contemplation for another day.