Did you know?
The skin is thinner, the closer you get to the wrist?
Just the light scrapping of the blade against the flesh, and the cut would keep oozing blood. I had no idea, that this would be the case. At any rate, it feels like a million ant bites across the entire length of the cut.
I don't know why, my emotions took a downward plunge after coming back from Phuket. Even hearing from XY, doesn't do anything to lift my spirits. When I'm with company, it's easy to put on a mask. When I'm alone though, I just feel empty.
I have no feelings whatsoever. No drive to do anything, no desire to want anything. With the blade though, somehow, there's something really mesmerizing, in how the blood flows out. Now almost all 4 limbs bear a cut of sorts; my inner right thigh, my left calf, and my left forearm. The right thigh was a little unexpected, as there was no immediate blood. It just started itching after a bit.
It's odd. Somehow, the cutting and the bleeding captures my attention vividly. Even more so when you see the droplets of blood flow out the cut. And when the cuts ache, I finally feel something. I don't quite feel joy anymore. Joy as in, something a bit more long term. Sure, for that fleeting moments when something positive happens, there's a slight uplifting of emotions, and the corners of my mouth. However, it doesn't last, nor does it dispels the dark.
I'm starting to understand a little bit, how Jein possibly feels. There's nothing inside. Just a void. Just emptiness. No expectations no disappointments; nothing to look forward to, nothing to dread. There's just nothing.
And that's terrifying. The abyss within scares me witless.
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Trip to Phuket
A last minute trip, with tickets and accommodations booked within the same week. Pricey, but worth it, in my personal opinion.
Sure, we spent close to RM 3k. To me though, the memories, are priceless.
We departed from KL on Friday, after work. And as luck would have it, we bumped into each other at the train station at KL Sentral. A pleasant surprise indeed. Upon arrival, we roamed around town and managed to snag supper. Roasted pork leg soup and the classic spicy fish tomyam.
The next day, we decided to rent a scooter and rode to the beach which was 10+km away, but a journey that took approx. 40 minutes. It was definitely an experience, considering how I never rode a scooter before. I got me a tattoo, a semicolon with a heart to replace the full stop atop the comma. A semicolon to pay tribute to the Semicolon Project, which aims to promote mental health, in particularly depression and suicidal tendencies.
The tattoo is dear to me, in that, friends and family around me are affected by mental illness. Also, I'm prone to self harm and depression. I will not forget that 2-3 weeks, where the 'breakup' shook me to the core, and I gave in to depression and cutting. The quote behind the Semicolon Project is this:
' A semicolon is used when the author decides not to end the sentence. I am the author of my story, and the sentence is my life.'
We met with a minor accident on the way back. She got off with a bruise to the knee and a few lacerations. Me, I have a bruise on my butt, and a couple of blisters on the leg. Naturally, the scooter wasn't undamaged.
The next day, we went on the Phi Phi Island tour on a speedboat. It was a good time spent, and beautiful pictures taken. She bought the framed picture of the both of us, which I insisted that she kept it.
Day 3, we went on the James Bond Island tour on a big boat. This time, the day started out sour, with me accidentally knocking the bag into the sea. The bag, containing important documents and our passports. She was angry and yelled at me. The tour itself was alright, with the highlights being the kayaking sessions and some pictures. En route back, we decided to get a room at Patong Beach, and check out the nightlife at Bangla Road.
We had drinks there, and hit a pub at the corner of the road. The live band was fabulous and the drinks decent. Surprisingly, her tolerance was lower then mine, and she was definitely tipsy when we walked back.
Day 4, well. Day 4 was spent working and burning under the sun. We parted ways at the airport when we arrived back in KL.
I had fun. The trip served to show me that she does care, but not entirely in a non-platonic manner. Probably more like a very close friend. Part of me is sadden by this. I love her, as a friend and companion. Yet, I also hold romantic feelings for her. I suppose, it's really time to move on, somehow.
Sure, we spent close to RM 3k. To me though, the memories, are priceless.
We departed from KL on Friday, after work. And as luck would have it, we bumped into each other at the train station at KL Sentral. A pleasant surprise indeed. Upon arrival, we roamed around town and managed to snag supper. Roasted pork leg soup and the classic spicy fish tomyam.
The next day, we decided to rent a scooter and rode to the beach which was 10+km away, but a journey that took approx. 40 minutes. It was definitely an experience, considering how I never rode a scooter before. I got me a tattoo, a semicolon with a heart to replace the full stop atop the comma. A semicolon to pay tribute to the Semicolon Project, which aims to promote mental health, in particularly depression and suicidal tendencies.
The tattoo is dear to me, in that, friends and family around me are affected by mental illness. Also, I'm prone to self harm and depression. I will not forget that 2-3 weeks, where the 'breakup' shook me to the core, and I gave in to depression and cutting. The quote behind the Semicolon Project is this:
' A semicolon is used when the author decides not to end the sentence. I am the author of my story, and the sentence is my life.'
We met with a minor accident on the way back. She got off with a bruise to the knee and a few lacerations. Me, I have a bruise on my butt, and a couple of blisters on the leg. Naturally, the scooter wasn't undamaged.
The next day, we went on the Phi Phi Island tour on a speedboat. It was a good time spent, and beautiful pictures taken. She bought the framed picture of the both of us, which I insisted that she kept it.
Day 3, we went on the James Bond Island tour on a big boat. This time, the day started out sour, with me accidentally knocking the bag into the sea. The bag, containing important documents and our passports. She was angry and yelled at me. The tour itself was alright, with the highlights being the kayaking sessions and some pictures. En route back, we decided to get a room at Patong Beach, and check out the nightlife at Bangla Road.
We had drinks there, and hit a pub at the corner of the road. The live band was fabulous and the drinks decent. Surprisingly, her tolerance was lower then mine, and she was definitely tipsy when we walked back.
Day 4, well. Day 4 was spent working and burning under the sun. We parted ways at the airport when we arrived back in KL.
I had fun. The trip served to show me that she does care, but not entirely in a non-platonic manner. Probably more like a very close friend. Part of me is sadden by this. I love her, as a friend and companion. Yet, I also hold romantic feelings for her. I suppose, it's really time to move on, somehow.
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Making Sense... Or the Lack of it
Making sense of whatever this is between me and XY, is akin to finding that minuscule needle in a giant haystack.
She said friendship. She behaves... Complicated.
Confusing? That's the understatement of the century.
What kind of friend, sleeps over practically every single day? That includes weekends. The amount of time spent together is insane. Sure, there's no hanky panky going on. Wait. There's NO hanky panky. Hence, this isn't a friends with benefits deal. At least, I understand friends with benefits. Basically friends who also fuck. The fucking part? Is a no strings attached deal.
And even then. You don't spend practically every day together. It's now.... 23rd January. So. 23 days into a new year. Of this 23 days? Just over a handful of days weren't spent together. That's like, 80% (rough estimation) of the time spent together.
I mean. We share the same bed. We leave home together. Sometimes, we have dinner together. Occasionally, we work together. We have supper together. She includes me in her plans. Behavior wise, it's like we're living together. Emotionally, now that's where I'm stumped.
Emotionally, I'm going with the flow. No expectations, no disappointments. Honestly, days when she tells me she's not staying over, I'm hardly upset. I indulge in some alcohol and tobacco, yes. Yet, I'm not moping around like I used to. Sure, I miss her. But I don't go calling her just because. Hell, I don't even text her much when she doesn't reply. I don't throw a big fuss no more.
Instinctively, it feels like she does have some form of feelings towards me. Feelings, as in beyond a normal friendship boundary kind of feelings. It's almost like, she could come to love me. She texts me whenever she has some breathing room/space, and she takes the initiative too. Admittedly, my initiatives are more muted these days. Muted, timid, uncertain, hesitant.
Ironically, she asked me a couple of times to move in with her. I said no. I did tell myself, that I won't mind spending the night at her place sometimes.
Logically, things will change when Grams is back. Not just Grams. The extended fam-bam too. Would I end up spending a couple of nights at her place on a weekly basis? Well, that's a good question. I might. That is, if mom isn't around.
I tell people, hell, I tell myself, that I'm playing the waiting game. And... I kind of am. I honestly want to see where this goes. I can't be the only one to feel that, this bond, this thing between us, could go a long way, and would endure.
Yet, the confusion of our situation is gradually wearing me down.
She said friendship. She behaves... Complicated.
Confusing? That's the understatement of the century.
What kind of friend, sleeps over practically every single day? That includes weekends. The amount of time spent together is insane. Sure, there's no hanky panky going on. Wait. There's NO hanky panky. Hence, this isn't a friends with benefits deal. At least, I understand friends with benefits. Basically friends who also fuck. The fucking part? Is a no strings attached deal.
And even then. You don't spend practically every day together. It's now.... 23rd January. So. 23 days into a new year. Of this 23 days? Just over a handful of days weren't spent together. That's like, 80% (rough estimation) of the time spent together.
I mean. We share the same bed. We leave home together. Sometimes, we have dinner together. Occasionally, we work together. We have supper together. She includes me in her plans. Behavior wise, it's like we're living together. Emotionally, now that's where I'm stumped.
Emotionally, I'm going with the flow. No expectations, no disappointments. Honestly, days when she tells me she's not staying over, I'm hardly upset. I indulge in some alcohol and tobacco, yes. Yet, I'm not moping around like I used to. Sure, I miss her. But I don't go calling her just because. Hell, I don't even text her much when she doesn't reply. I don't throw a big fuss no more.
Instinctively, it feels like she does have some form of feelings towards me. Feelings, as in beyond a normal friendship boundary kind of feelings. It's almost like, she could come to love me. She texts me whenever she has some breathing room/space, and she takes the initiative too. Admittedly, my initiatives are more muted these days. Muted, timid, uncertain, hesitant.
Ironically, she asked me a couple of times to move in with her. I said no. I did tell myself, that I won't mind spending the night at her place sometimes.
Logically, things will change when Grams is back. Not just Grams. The extended fam-bam too. Would I end up spending a couple of nights at her place on a weekly basis? Well, that's a good question. I might. That is, if mom isn't around.
I tell people, hell, I tell myself, that I'm playing the waiting game. And... I kind of am. I honestly want to see where this goes. I can't be the only one to feel that, this bond, this thing between us, could go a long way, and would endure.
Yet, the confusion of our situation is gradually wearing me down.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Confusion
A perpetual state of confusion.
That's what has been happening over the past 2 weeks.
I never expected to feel this depressed. This is even worse than when I ended things with Tasha. It's bad enough that I can't sleep much, a serious loss of appetite, and even to the extent of excessive drinking and smoking, and also self harm.
Yeah, self harm. I cut.
It's.... probably not my proudest moment, nor my proudest action. Yet, I didn't regret it.
So. What's confusing is. Her actions and her words don't match. She says she doesn't know how to love anymore. Yet, she loves me more than a friend. She says she doesn't do casual sex, yet, she wanted to give it a go. She doesn't have feelings for me, yet, she pecks me on the lips before we part each time. She doesn't love me romantically, yet, she sent me flowers. She doesn't love me, yet, she likes my company. She asks my opinion on matters. What's more, is that she alluded that my company keeps the loneliness at bay. Her exact words: I'm getting lonelier and lonelier. Lucky I still have you, to keep me company.
Sigh.
I managed to get some insight. So my dear is depressed. And she mentioned something about everything going downhill since she was 18. And from what I managed to gather, it's in part related to her sexuality, her preconceived notions of gender/behavior/attitude, her dad's death & her failed relationships (with it come the reasons they broke up).
I love her. I truly do. And that's what's making me have second thoughts about leaving so soon. Trace told me, loving someone, is to let them go and grow at their own pace. Loving someone, is also being what they need at that point of time. As much as I think we're meant to be, this is probably not the right time. Perhaps, it's meeting the right person, at the right place, but not the right time.
Torn.
That's how I feel right now. How can I leave her side, by venturing so far away, when she needs me? Yet, I can't deny that I too, am to a certain extent, depressed and need to heal. It can't be healthy, for me to push aside my feelings, and focus on her. The emotional strain it would have, would be unbearable.
I love her company, which further complicates things.
That's what has been happening over the past 2 weeks.
I never expected to feel this depressed. This is even worse than when I ended things with Tasha. It's bad enough that I can't sleep much, a serious loss of appetite, and even to the extent of excessive drinking and smoking, and also self harm.
Yeah, self harm. I cut.
It's.... probably not my proudest moment, nor my proudest action. Yet, I didn't regret it.
So. What's confusing is. Her actions and her words don't match. She says she doesn't know how to love anymore. Yet, she loves me more than a friend. She says she doesn't do casual sex, yet, she wanted to give it a go. She doesn't have feelings for me, yet, she pecks me on the lips before we part each time. She doesn't love me romantically, yet, she sent me flowers. She doesn't love me, yet, she likes my company. She asks my opinion on matters. What's more, is that she alluded that my company keeps the loneliness at bay. Her exact words: I'm getting lonelier and lonelier. Lucky I still have you, to keep me company.
Sigh.
I managed to get some insight. So my dear is depressed. And she mentioned something about everything going downhill since she was 18. And from what I managed to gather, it's in part related to her sexuality, her preconceived notions of gender/behavior/attitude, her dad's death & her failed relationships (with it come the reasons they broke up).
I love her. I truly do. And that's what's making me have second thoughts about leaving so soon. Trace told me, loving someone, is to let them go and grow at their own pace. Loving someone, is also being what they need at that point of time. As much as I think we're meant to be, this is probably not the right time. Perhaps, it's meeting the right person, at the right place, but not the right time.
Torn.
That's how I feel right now. How can I leave her side, by venturing so far away, when she needs me? Yet, I can't deny that I too, am to a certain extent, depressed and need to heal. It can't be healthy, for me to push aside my feelings, and focus on her. The emotional strain it would have, would be unbearable.
I love her company, which further complicates things.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Broken
Huuu...
Plop.
The breaking of silence. But for the slight chest movement, one would think that kneeling figure was a corpse. Head thrown back, chest upwards, she let go a howl of anguish. A howl, that by no means broke the silence. Head bowed, a whimper escapes.
Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.
She feels the salty tracks making its way down her face. Yet, she could muster no strengh to do naught but sniff. In her head, the ringing persist. Her ears, heard only the harsh shallow breathing of hers. Her heart, seemed to have stop beating. In her eyes, the scene replayed.
She ran. She ran towards that silhouette a few strides ahead. Running as fast as she could, trying her best to catch up. She caught a hand. Time stopped. A face she had come to know, admire and adore, turned to her. With a blank expression, she tore away the hand. Stumbling, she fell. In a split second, that face, that silhouette, was gone. She forged ahead, hoping to get her again, hoping she would turn back. She never did.
And so she fell, fell with both knees on the ground. The darkness closing in, enveloping her.
Clang!
The sound of a heart breaking.
She held her hands palms side up. She feels nothing but the shattering of her heart. The warmth that she once bathed in, replaced by the cold dank bitterness of rejection.
Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.
All that remains, all that i have left, is the pool of tears slowly gathering. Time has no meaning, in this vortex of emptiness. In this space where up is down, down is up, nothing is everything and everything is nothing. All there is, is pieces of a whole, and a hole in my chest.
Plop.
The breaking of silence. But for the slight chest movement, one would think that kneeling figure was a corpse. Head thrown back, chest upwards, she let go a howl of anguish. A howl, that by no means broke the silence. Head bowed, a whimper escapes.
Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.
She feels the salty tracks making its way down her face. Yet, she could muster no strengh to do naught but sniff. In her head, the ringing persist. Her ears, heard only the harsh shallow breathing of hers. Her heart, seemed to have stop beating. In her eyes, the scene replayed.
She ran. She ran towards that silhouette a few strides ahead. Running as fast as she could, trying her best to catch up. She caught a hand. Time stopped. A face she had come to know, admire and adore, turned to her. With a blank expression, she tore away the hand. Stumbling, she fell. In a split second, that face, that silhouette, was gone. She forged ahead, hoping to get her again, hoping she would turn back. She never did.
And so she fell, fell with both knees on the ground. The darkness closing in, enveloping her.
Clang!
The sound of a heart breaking.
She held her hands palms side up. She feels nothing but the shattering of her heart. The warmth that she once bathed in, replaced by the cold dank bitterness of rejection.
Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.
All that remains, all that i have left, is the pool of tears slowly gathering. Time has no meaning, in this vortex of emptiness. In this space where up is down, down is up, nothing is everything and everything is nothing. All there is, is pieces of a whole, and a hole in my chest.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Uncertainties, insecurities
As I'm writing this, so many thoughts running through my head, through my heart.
Your silence cuts like a knife. I can't help but to be transported back to the time, when you just got back from Korea. We never did talked about that period of time. Yet, it's still a hurt I carry till now.
Im trying so hard, not to push you to respond, to talk to me. Yet, communication is a 2 way street. Isn't it? I actually thought we were good. When you texted me that Monday night, and subsequently the days after, I felt the change. I felt the love.
Something happened on Monday. Idk what. You said it was a case you didn't get. Yet. You changed. You revert back to how you were in Korea and after Korea. I never did make any comments, about you needing to work that week in Dec that I'm on leave. Despite you promising me that the week has been blocked off in your calendar. Honestly, I feel like, we might as well not make a trip to anywhere. I don't want to pay a bomb, just for a short 4 days with you.
Your silence hurts. Idk what to do, to make you talk to me. I can text, but you not responding, is similar to me talking to myself, no? At least talking to myself, I get an immediate response. I don't get left hanging, expecting a reply; only to wake up the next day seeing none.
You asking for time out, was the biggest blow you could have dealt. If you felt me suffocating you, you could always asked me to back off. Instead, you exploded, and said you didn't feel the love. And all I did was show concern. You asked for time out. That's why I'm still waiting for you to ask to talk. Then you go and text me just a day after asking for time out. Did you manage to figure things out so fast?
Just when I'm starting to hope again, this happens. I feel like a puppet on strings, with my heart as the yo-yo. You do this, I respond this way. You say that, I react that way. You call me love, it tugs on my heartstrings. You smile when you see me, the corners of my lips move on its own accord.
Your silence kills. I'm aware, that I'm madly in love with you. I'm willing to sacrifice my dreams to support yours, to make yours a success. I'm willing to help you however I can, to make your dreams a reality. I'm willing to be your sounding board, and your punching bag. I love you so much, it hurts. What I'm unsure of, is your feelings towards me, along with the depth of said feelings.
Your silence cuts like a knife. I can't help but to be transported back to the time, when you just got back from Korea. We never did talked about that period of time. Yet, it's still a hurt I carry till now.
Im trying so hard, not to push you to respond, to talk to me. Yet, communication is a 2 way street. Isn't it? I actually thought we were good. When you texted me that Monday night, and subsequently the days after, I felt the change. I felt the love.
Something happened on Monday. Idk what. You said it was a case you didn't get. Yet. You changed. You revert back to how you were in Korea and after Korea. I never did make any comments, about you needing to work that week in Dec that I'm on leave. Despite you promising me that the week has been blocked off in your calendar. Honestly, I feel like, we might as well not make a trip to anywhere. I don't want to pay a bomb, just for a short 4 days with you.
Your silence hurts. Idk what to do, to make you talk to me. I can text, but you not responding, is similar to me talking to myself, no? At least talking to myself, I get an immediate response. I don't get left hanging, expecting a reply; only to wake up the next day seeing none.
You asking for time out, was the biggest blow you could have dealt. If you felt me suffocating you, you could always asked me to back off. Instead, you exploded, and said you didn't feel the love. And all I did was show concern. You asked for time out. That's why I'm still waiting for you to ask to talk. Then you go and text me just a day after asking for time out. Did you manage to figure things out so fast?
Just when I'm starting to hope again, this happens. I feel like a puppet on strings, with my heart as the yo-yo. You do this, I respond this way. You say that, I react that way. You call me love, it tugs on my heartstrings. You smile when you see me, the corners of my lips move on its own accord.
Your silence kills. I'm aware, that I'm madly in love with you. I'm willing to sacrifice my dreams to support yours, to make yours a success. I'm willing to help you however I can, to make your dreams a reality. I'm willing to be your sounding board, and your punching bag. I love you so much, it hurts. What I'm unsure of, is your feelings towards me, along with the depth of said feelings.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Assumptions
Assume.
Making an Ass out of U (you) and Me.
Well. Such is the saying. And yet, it's invariably a human trait to make assumptions. 'Oh he's good looking. He's probably taken, not available.' 'Oh look at her dressing. So revealing. Must be a slut.'
First impressions, preconceived notions, assumptions. Semantics.
We were talking about this in the car yesterday, en route to Donutes @ ss2, PJ. XY said, people can't help but make assumptions about situations or people or matters. We need to train our minds to not fall prey to walking down that path of assuming.
Humans' brains are malleable. A crude way would be to say people are easily manipulated into believing something that may or may not be true. To a certain extent, it's true. Majority wins. It's the same with opinions, mindset & beliefs. As humans, we tend to shy away from what's different. We assume different equals negative.
Just like change. In fact, it is a change, training your mind to not make assumptions. To be fair, it's not just the mind. It's also the heart. Training the heart to Accept and Welcome, goes hand in hand with training the mind not to Assume. Keeping an open mind, being open minded. It's about not making assumptions that you know best, that what the other party is sharing is wrong, that different is frowned upon. It's also about accepting and welcoming the other party.
In all honesty, being open minded to what someone else is going through or sharing with you, is one of the greatest gift you could give at that point of time. You're not judging, but, you're accepting and acknowledging the other party. Acceptance and Acknowledgement is what most, if not all of us, seek for, consciously or subconsciously. We all look to Belong.
It's a never-ending process, learning to not assume, learning to just be, and take certain things at face value. And while we stumble here and there and every so often, we shouldn't discount the times we did manage to not assume.
Making an Ass out of U (you) and Me.
Well. Such is the saying. And yet, it's invariably a human trait to make assumptions. 'Oh he's good looking. He's probably taken, not available.' 'Oh look at her dressing. So revealing. Must be a slut.'
First impressions, preconceived notions, assumptions. Semantics.
We were talking about this in the car yesterday, en route to Donutes @ ss2, PJ. XY said, people can't help but make assumptions about situations or people or matters. We need to train our minds to not fall prey to walking down that path of assuming.
Humans' brains are malleable. A crude way would be to say people are easily manipulated into believing something that may or may not be true. To a certain extent, it's true. Majority wins. It's the same with opinions, mindset & beliefs. As humans, we tend to shy away from what's different. We assume different equals negative.
Just like change. In fact, it is a change, training your mind to not make assumptions. To be fair, it's not just the mind. It's also the heart. Training the heart to Accept and Welcome, goes hand in hand with training the mind not to Assume. Keeping an open mind, being open minded. It's about not making assumptions that you know best, that what the other party is sharing is wrong, that different is frowned upon. It's also about accepting and welcoming the other party.
In all honesty, being open minded to what someone else is going through or sharing with you, is one of the greatest gift you could give at that point of time. You're not judging, but, you're accepting and acknowledging the other party. Acceptance and Acknowledgement is what most, if not all of us, seek for, consciously or subconsciously. We all look to Belong.
It's a never-ending process, learning to not assume, learning to just be, and take certain things at face value. And while we stumble here and there and every so often, we shouldn't discount the times we did manage to not assume.
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