Confusion

A perpetual state of confusion.

That's what has been happening over the past 2 weeks.

I never expected to feel this depressed. This is even worse than when I ended things with Tasha. It's bad enough that I can't sleep much, a serious loss of appetite, and even to the extent of excessive drinking and smoking, and also self harm.

Yeah, self harm. I cut.

It's.... probably not my proudest moment, nor my proudest action. Yet, I didn't regret it.

So. What's confusing is. Her actions and her words don't match. She says she doesn't know how to love anymore. Yet, she loves me more than a friend. She says she doesn't do casual sex, yet, she wanted to give it a go. She doesn't have feelings for me, yet, she pecks me on the lips before we part each time. She doesn't love me romantically, yet, she sent me flowers. She doesn't love me, yet, she likes my company. She asks my opinion on matters. What's more, is that she alluded that my company keeps the loneliness at bay. Her exact words: I'm getting lonelier and lonelier. Lucky I still have you, to keep me company.

Sigh.

I managed to get some insight. So my dear is depressed. And she mentioned something about everything going downhill since she was 18. And from what I managed to gather, it's in part related to her sexuality, her preconceived notions of gender/behavior/attitude, her dad's death & her failed relationships (with it come the reasons they broke up).

I love her. I truly do. And that's what's making me have second thoughts about leaving so soon. Trace told me, loving someone, is to let them go and grow at their own pace. Loving someone, is also being what they need at that point of time. As much as I think we're meant to be, this is probably not the right time. Perhaps, it's meeting the right person, at the right place, but not the right time.

Torn.

That's how I feel right now. How can I leave her side, by venturing so far away, when she needs me? Yet, I can't deny that I too, am to a certain extent, depressed and need to heal. It can't be healthy, for me to push aside my feelings, and focus on her. The emotional strain it would have, would be unbearable.

I love her company, which further complicates things.

Broken

Huuu...
Plop.

The breaking of silence. But for the slight chest movement, one would think that kneeling figure was a corpse. Head thrown back, chest upwards, she let go a howl of anguish. A howl, that by no means broke the silence. Head bowed, a whimper escapes.

Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.

She feels the salty tracks making its way down her face. Yet, she could muster no strengh to do naught but sniff. In her head, the ringing persist. Her ears, heard only the harsh shallow breathing of hers. Her heart, seemed to have stop beating. In her eyes, the scene replayed.

She ran. She ran towards that silhouette a few strides ahead. Running as fast as she could, trying her best to catch up. She caught a hand. Time stopped. A face she had come to know, admire and adore, turned to her. With a blank expression, she tore away the hand. Stumbling, she fell. In a split second, that face, that silhouette, was gone. She forged ahead, hoping to get her again, hoping she would turn back. She never did.

And so she fell, fell with both knees on the ground. The darkness closing in, enveloping her.

Clang!

The sound of a heart breaking.

She held her hands palms side up. She feels nothing but the shattering of her heart. The warmth that she once bathed in, replaced by the cold dank bitterness of rejection.

Huuu...
Plop.
Plop.

All that remains, all that i have left, is the pool of tears slowly gathering. Time has no meaning, in this vortex of emptiness. In this space where up is down, down is up, nothing is everything and everything is nothing. All there is, is pieces of a whole, and a hole in my chest.

Uncertainties, insecurities

As I'm writing this, so many thoughts running through my head, through my heart.

Your silence cuts like a knife. I can't help but to be transported back to the time, when you just got back from Korea. We never did talked about that period of time. Yet, it's still a hurt I carry till now.

Im trying so hard, not to push you to respond, to talk to me. Yet, communication is a 2 way street. Isn't it? I actually thought we were good. When you texted me that Monday night, and subsequently the days after, I felt the change. I felt the love.

Something happened on Monday. Idk what. You said it was a case you didn't get. Yet. You changed. You revert back to how you were in Korea and after Korea. I never did make any comments, about you needing to work that week in Dec that I'm on leave. Despite you promising me that the week has been blocked off in your calendar. Honestly, I feel like, we might as well not make a trip to anywhere. I don't want to pay a bomb, just for a short 4 days with you.

Your silence hurts. Idk what to do, to make you talk to me. I can text, but you not responding, is similar to me talking to myself, no? At least talking to myself, I get an immediate response. I don't get left hanging, expecting a reply; only to wake up the next day seeing none.

You asking for time out, was the biggest blow you could have dealt. If you felt me suffocating you, you could always asked me to back off. Instead, you exploded, and said you didn't feel the love. And all I did was show concern. You asked for time out. That's why I'm still waiting for you to ask to talk. Then you go and text me just a day after asking for time out. Did you manage to figure things out so fast?

Just when I'm starting to hope again, this happens. I feel like a puppet on strings, with my heart as the yo-yo. You do this, I respond this way. You say that, I react that way. You call me love, it tugs on my heartstrings. You smile when you see me, the corners of my lips move on its own accord.

Your silence kills. I'm aware, that I'm madly in love with you. I'm willing to sacrifice my dreams to support yours, to make yours a success. I'm willing to help you however I can, to make your dreams a reality. I'm willing to be your sounding board, and your punching bag. I love you so much, it hurts. What I'm unsure of, is your feelings towards me, along with the depth of said feelings.

Assumptions

Assume.

Making an Ass out of U (you) and Me.

Well. Such is the saying. And yet, it's invariably a human trait to make assumptions. 'Oh he's good looking. He's probably taken, not available.' 'Oh look at her dressing. So revealing. Must be a slut.'

First impressions, preconceived notions, assumptions. Semantics.

We were talking about this in the car yesterday, en route to Donutes @ ss2, PJ. XY said, people can't help but make assumptions about situations or people or matters. We need to train our minds to not fall prey to walking down that path of assuming.

Humans' brains are malleable. A crude way would be to say people are easily manipulated into believing something that may or may not be true. To a certain extent, it's true. Majority wins. It's the same with opinions, mindset & beliefs. As humans, we tend to shy away from what's different. We assume different equals negative.

Just like change. In fact, it is a change, training your mind to not make assumptions. To be fair, it's not just the mind. It's also the heart. Training the heart to Accept and Welcome, goes hand in hand with training the mind not to Assume. Keeping an open mind, being open minded. It's about not making assumptions that you know best, that what the other party is sharing is wrong, that different is frowned upon. It's also about accepting and welcoming the other party.

In all honesty, being open minded to what someone else is going through or sharing with you, is one of the greatest gift you could give at that point of time. You're not judging, but, you're accepting and acknowledging the other party. Acceptance and Acknowledgement is what most, if not all of us, seek for, consciously or subconsciously. We all look to Belong.

It's a never-ending process, learning to not assume, learning to just be, and take certain things at face value. And while we stumble here and there and every so often, we shouldn't discount the times we did manage to not assume.

Numb Dumb Bum

If I didn't write, I don't think I can stand the oppressing feeling within.

So it's been a long cold month. If I was pressed to pinpoint an exact date, it would be, our 1st fight. That's when the change started. Granted, it was gradual. It really came to an explosive incident yesterday.

She said: There is something we cannot force, when it comes to love, we cannot force. And it's obvious that. I tried, it just don't feel like it.

Followed by me telling her, if she wants to cut me off, I deserve a talk. To clear the air. Also, if she wants me to leave her alone. It has to come from her. Before I invest anymore heart into this.

She then said: I will talk to you when I get to see you. I have a lot of problems happening, mixed feelings a lot of stuff let me have some time off to think things through. I will talk to you.

I keep wondering.

Where did I go wrong? Did I say or do something wrong? Actions & reactions? Was I... Am I not enough? Perhaps I was too pushy, too clingy. Perhaps I just couldn't compare.

So many questions, so many unknowns, so much tears.

Crying, stopping; crying, stopping; crying, stopping.

I deactivated my Facebook account, muted her conversation. I just want to crawl in bed, and not get up/get out. I don't know what the outcome would be like, I don't know what's going on in her mind, in her heart.

All I know is, I hurt. It aches. I thought, hurting over Tasha was bad. This? For a... relationship? that's only a few months old, the hurt is at par. Effort and heart.

Hurts so bad, it has a numbing effect.

Words

Words, are a double edged sword.

They can soothe the soul and ease the pain. Likewise, they can be the cause.

Today, I'm in the mood to talk about the negative side of it.

Words. A spoken promise. They carry with them a sense of anticipation & expectations. When said promise falls through, the wave of disappointment that rolls in... hits hard. The greater the anticipation & expectation, the greater the crash. Like a roller coaster. The higher you climb, the greater the momentum created as you go on the descent, the bigger the impact.

I'm still waiting for that Date, that you asked me on to, the Date that you wanted me to dress up for.
I'm still waiting for that Weekend, that you promised no work would intrude.
I'm still waiting for that Question, that would make things official official between us.

When you asked me, if I would be angry, if you couldn't make it for the wedding dinner. My first thought was: do I come across as someone with very bad anger management skills? My first emotion was: that crash of disappointment. My first mental reaction was: laugh, followed by a question: what do you think?

What I did do though, was to look at you, take a couple of breaths, closed the lid of my laptop and focused on you.

I'm... actually pretty hurt, that you would think that my default emotion/reaction would be that of anger. I will not deny, that I do and have reacted in a less than pleasant manner before. Was it in anger though, I don't believe so. I'm more prone to disappointment. I will not deny, that I was, am, very disappointed and upset. When I asked you why didn't you tell me earlier, I was referring to when I first asked you, after the funeral. I... You could have told me you would need to arrange matters. Maybe then, I'd not have my hopes up.

I also won't deny, that I curled up on the floor of the showers last night, and hugged my knees. Later in bed, when I asked you: when I turn my back on you like that, wouldn't you want to comfort me? Instead, you wrapped me in the blanket. I understand, that you didn't want me to catch cold. However, sometimes, it feels as if what I'd be expecting, isn't how you'll react. I had hoped, that you'll hold me close, and snuggle with me under the blanket. I just, wanted... needed that 5 minutes of you holding me. Not, you wrapping me in blanket and hugging me then. I wanted to ask you then, if you thought of me as your gf. If so, since when. I'm a coward. I daren't ask, for I'm afraid of the answer.

Do I repulse you? In that, you don't like skin to skin contact with me? Has being with me, become like a chore to you?

I miss, having that intimacy with you. It's not even about sex. I like having skin to skin contact with you, be it holding hands, hugging waists, or just cuddling. Cuddling is good. I like kissing you too. Kissing, not pecking. Full blown kissing, with tongue and saliva and lots of groping. Groping, not necessarily leading to making love. Sex is good, definitely. However, I seek that intimacy behind it. I don't want sex to be just that: sex.

See, I don't know if I'm overthinking it, or being oversensitive. I know that you're holding back. I don't think we've recovered from that deep, long, painful conversation we had when you were in Penang. I can sense you pulling away, being wary again. I'm trying, to conform to you. I'm willing to bend, for you. Doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. However, my bending isn't fundamental to my being; and I value this... relationship (?). Hence bending.

You think there are times I'm pushing too hard. Perhaps, I'm desperate. I'm trying to hold on to this, to us, to you. Yet. The harder I try, the least favorable the outcome is.

Or maybe I'm reading too much into this, and you're just busy and preoccupied with work.

I can't fight with realities of life, ghosts and family. I just hope, that if you ever read this post, that you don't take me for granted.

add-ons

So I mentioned in the previous post, about love and carnal pleasure.

One could argue, that carnal pleasure is lust, not love. I suppose, it's perception. If the focal point is merely satisfying that desire, that physical act, then sure, it's lust. However, in romantic loves, lust needs to play a part too.

As I love someone, I do lust for their bodies. The art of sex, is as ancient as time. It's also an instinctual act for almost all living creatures. To be fair, it's only humans that have this desire to copulate for pleasure.

Now, don't get me wrong. Sex is very pleasurable. However, there is a difference between making love and fucking. Fucking is about getting that release, that end pleasure. However, making love, is a tad more complex than that. When you're making love, it's not only about that dance between 2 people. It's also communicating on an emotional level.

Alongside the lust, are the aforementioned love. The tenderness, the care, the gushing feelings of warmth towards that person. I lust for their bodies: soft, tender, supple, responsive. That heady feeling that I get when their body answers my questing fingers. They tell me that my touch, my presence, is very much welcomed, that I'm wanted.

Another difference between fucking and making love, is that release. If you can't get the person you're fucking, to cum; Odds are, you're not that great a lay. Harsh, isn't it. In making love tho, it's not always about that release. Naturally, being able to make your partner hit the plateau, and being able to hit that plateau as well, is the best feeling ever. However, even if you don't get that end release, it's not the end of the relationship or the world. That emotional communication when making love, is a huge reward in itself.

Thank you love, for trusting me enough; and for letting me in.