If I didn't write, I don't think I can stand the oppressing feeling within.
So it's been a long cold month. If I was pressed to pinpoint an exact date, it would be, our 1st fight. That's when the change started. Granted, it was gradual. It really came to an explosive incident yesterday.
She said: There is something we cannot force, when it comes to love, we cannot force. And it's obvious that. I tried, it just don't feel like it.
Followed by me telling her, if she wants to cut me off, I deserve a talk. To clear the air. Also, if she wants me to leave her alone. It has to come from her. Before I invest anymore heart into this.
She then said: I will talk to you when I get to see you. I have a lot of problems happening, mixed feelings a lot of stuff let me have some time off to think things through. I will talk to you.
I keep wondering.
Where did I go wrong? Did I say or do something wrong? Actions & reactions? Was I... Am I not enough? Perhaps I was too pushy, too clingy. Perhaps I just couldn't compare.
So many questions, so many unknowns, so much tears.
Crying, stopping; crying, stopping; crying, stopping.
I deactivated my Facebook account, muted her conversation. I just want to crawl in bed, and not get up/get out. I don't know what the outcome would be like, I don't know what's going on in her mind, in her heart.
All I know is, I hurt. It aches. I thought, hurting over Tasha was bad. This? For a... relationship? that's only a few months old, the hurt is at par. Effort and heart.
Hurts so bad, it has a numbing effect.
Monday, November 6, 2017
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Words
Words, are a double edged sword.
They can soothe the soul and ease the pain. Likewise, they can be the cause.
Today, I'm in the mood to talk about the negative side of it.
Words. A spoken promise. They carry with them a sense of anticipation & expectations. When said promise falls through, the wave of disappointment that rolls in... hits hard. The greater the anticipation & expectation, the greater the crash. Like a roller coaster. The higher you climb, the greater the momentum created as you go on the descent, the bigger the impact.
I'm still waiting for that Date, that you asked me on to, the Date that you wanted me to dress up for.
I'm still waiting for that Weekend, that you promised no work would intrude.
I'm still waiting for that Question, that would make things official official between us.
When you asked me, if I would be angry, if you couldn't make it for the wedding dinner. My first thought was: do I come across as someone with very bad anger management skills? My first emotion was: that crash of disappointment. My first mental reaction was: laugh, followed by a question: what do you think?
What I did do though, was to look at you, take a couple of breaths, closed the lid of my laptop and focused on you.
I'm... actually pretty hurt, that you would think that my default emotion/reaction would be that of anger. I will not deny, that I do and have reacted in a less than pleasant manner before. Was it in anger though, I don't believe so. I'm more prone to disappointment. I will not deny, that I was, am, very disappointed and upset. When I asked you why didn't you tell me earlier, I was referring to when I first asked you, after the funeral. I... You could have told me you would need to arrange matters. Maybe then, I'd not have my hopes up.
I also won't deny, that I curled up on the floor of the showers last night, and hugged my knees. Later in bed, when I asked you: when I turn my back on you like that, wouldn't you want to comfort me? Instead, you wrapped me in the blanket. I understand, that you didn't want me to catch cold. However, sometimes, it feels as if what I'd be expecting, isn't how you'll react. I had hoped, that you'll hold me close, and snuggle with me under the blanket. I just, wanted... needed that 5 minutes of you holding me. Not, you wrapping me in blanket and hugging me then. I wanted to ask you then, if you thought of me as your gf. If so, since when. I'm a coward. I daren't ask, for I'm afraid of the answer.
Do I repulse you? In that, you don't like skin to skin contact with me? Has being with me, become like a chore to you?
I miss, having that intimacy with you. It's not even about sex. I like having skin to skin contact with you, be it holding hands, hugging waists, or just cuddling. Cuddling is good. I like kissing you too. Kissing, not pecking. Full blown kissing, with tongue and saliva and lots of groping. Groping, not necessarily leading to making love. Sex is good, definitely. However, I seek that intimacy behind it. I don't want sex to be just that: sex.
See, I don't know if I'm overthinking it, or being oversensitive. I know that you're holding back. I don't think we've recovered from that deep, long, painful conversation we had when you were in Penang. I can sense you pulling away, being wary again. I'm trying, to conform to you. I'm willing to bend, for you. Doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. However, my bending isn't fundamental to my being; and I value this... relationship (?). Hence bending.
You think there are times I'm pushing too hard. Perhaps, I'm desperate. I'm trying to hold on to this, to us, to you. Yet. The harder I try, the least favorable the outcome is.
Or maybe I'm reading too much into this, and you're just busy and preoccupied with work.
I can't fight with realities of life, ghosts and family. I just hope, that if you ever read this post, that you don't take me for granted.
They can soothe the soul and ease the pain. Likewise, they can be the cause.
Today, I'm in the mood to talk about the negative side of it.
Words. A spoken promise. They carry with them a sense of anticipation & expectations. When said promise falls through, the wave of disappointment that rolls in... hits hard. The greater the anticipation & expectation, the greater the crash. Like a roller coaster. The higher you climb, the greater the momentum created as you go on the descent, the bigger the impact.
I'm still waiting for that Date, that you asked me on to, the Date that you wanted me to dress up for.
I'm still waiting for that Weekend, that you promised no work would intrude.
I'm still waiting for that Question, that would make things official official between us.
When you asked me, if I would be angry, if you couldn't make it for the wedding dinner. My first thought was: do I come across as someone with very bad anger management skills? My first emotion was: that crash of disappointment. My first mental reaction was: laugh, followed by a question: what do you think?
What I did do though, was to look at you, take a couple of breaths, closed the lid of my laptop and focused on you.
I'm... actually pretty hurt, that you would think that my default emotion/reaction would be that of anger. I will not deny, that I do and have reacted in a less than pleasant manner before. Was it in anger though, I don't believe so. I'm more prone to disappointment. I will not deny, that I was, am, very disappointed and upset. When I asked you why didn't you tell me earlier, I was referring to when I first asked you, after the funeral. I... You could have told me you would need to arrange matters. Maybe then, I'd not have my hopes up.
I also won't deny, that I curled up on the floor of the showers last night, and hugged my knees. Later in bed, when I asked you: when I turn my back on you like that, wouldn't you want to comfort me? Instead, you wrapped me in the blanket. I understand, that you didn't want me to catch cold. However, sometimes, it feels as if what I'd be expecting, isn't how you'll react. I had hoped, that you'll hold me close, and snuggle with me under the blanket. I just, wanted... needed that 5 minutes of you holding me. Not, you wrapping me in blanket and hugging me then. I wanted to ask you then, if you thought of me as your gf. If so, since when. I'm a coward. I daren't ask, for I'm afraid of the answer.
Do I repulse you? In that, you don't like skin to skin contact with me? Has being with me, become like a chore to you?
I miss, having that intimacy with you. It's not even about sex. I like having skin to skin contact with you, be it holding hands, hugging waists, or just cuddling. Cuddling is good. I like kissing you too. Kissing, not pecking. Full blown kissing, with tongue and saliva and lots of groping. Groping, not necessarily leading to making love. Sex is good, definitely. However, I seek that intimacy behind it. I don't want sex to be just that: sex.
See, I don't know if I'm overthinking it, or being oversensitive. I know that you're holding back. I don't think we've recovered from that deep, long, painful conversation we had when you were in Penang. I can sense you pulling away, being wary again. I'm trying, to conform to you. I'm willing to bend, for you. Doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. However, my bending isn't fundamental to my being; and I value this... relationship (?). Hence bending.
You think there are times I'm pushing too hard. Perhaps, I'm desperate. I'm trying to hold on to this, to us, to you. Yet. The harder I try, the least favorable the outcome is.
Or maybe I'm reading too much into this, and you're just busy and preoccupied with work.
I can't fight with realities of life, ghosts and family. I just hope, that if you ever read this post, that you don't take me for granted.
Friday, October 13, 2017
add-ons
So I mentioned in the previous post, about love and carnal pleasure.
One could argue, that carnal pleasure is lust, not love. I suppose, it's perception. If the focal point is merely satisfying that desire, that physical act, then sure, it's lust. However, in romantic loves, lust needs to play a part too.
As I love someone, I do lust for their bodies. The art of sex, is as ancient as time. It's also an instinctual act for almost all living creatures. To be fair, it's only humans that have this desire to copulate for pleasure.
Now, don't get me wrong. Sex is very pleasurable. However, there is a difference between making love and fucking. Fucking is about getting that release, that end pleasure. However, making love, is a tad more complex than that. When you're making love, it's not only about that dance between 2 people. It's also communicating on an emotional level.
Alongside the lust, are the aforementioned love. The tenderness, the care, the gushing feelings of warmth towards that person. I lust for their bodies: soft, tender, supple, responsive. That heady feeling that I get when their body answers my questing fingers. They tell me that my touch, my presence, is very much welcomed, that I'm wanted.
Another difference between fucking and making love, is that release. If you can't get the person you're fucking, to cum; Odds are, you're not that great a lay. Harsh, isn't it. In making love tho, it's not always about that release. Naturally, being able to make your partner hit the plateau, and being able to hit that plateau as well, is the best feeling ever. However, even if you don't get that end release, it's not the end of the relationship or the world. That emotional communication when making love, is a huge reward in itself.
Thank you love, for trusting me enough; and for letting me in.
One could argue, that carnal pleasure is lust, not love. I suppose, it's perception. If the focal point is merely satisfying that desire, that physical act, then sure, it's lust. However, in romantic loves, lust needs to play a part too.
As I love someone, I do lust for their bodies. The art of sex, is as ancient as time. It's also an instinctual act for almost all living creatures. To be fair, it's only humans that have this desire to copulate for pleasure.
Now, don't get me wrong. Sex is very pleasurable. However, there is a difference between making love and fucking. Fucking is about getting that release, that end pleasure. However, making love, is a tad more complex than that. When you're making love, it's not only about that dance between 2 people. It's also communicating on an emotional level.
Alongside the lust, are the aforementioned love. The tenderness, the care, the gushing feelings of warmth towards that person. I lust for their bodies: soft, tender, supple, responsive. That heady feeling that I get when their body answers my questing fingers. They tell me that my touch, my presence, is very much welcomed, that I'm wanted.
Another difference between fucking and making love, is that release. If you can't get the person you're fucking, to cum; Odds are, you're not that great a lay. Harsh, isn't it. In making love tho, it's not always about that release. Naturally, being able to make your partner hit the plateau, and being able to hit that plateau as well, is the best feeling ever. However, even if you don't get that end release, it's not the end of the relationship or the world. That emotional communication when making love, is a huge reward in itself.
Thank you love, for trusting me enough; and for letting me in.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Love
What is love?
How would you define love?
Questions, practically everyone has thought about.
Love, I reckon, has many facets to it. At its core, love, for me, is a warm and encompassing feeling. It's a sense of belonging, the feeling of home. It, just is. There's a tenderness to it, along with a flaming passion. You stop looking in the mirror, and see only yourself. Instead, you see yourself with others. That's love.
Family, aren't just exemplified by blood. Family is denoted as people who accept the true you, flaws, shortcomings, quirks and all; Blood becomes family, friends evolve into family, and lover/partner grows into family.
Again, a multi faceted emotion. It starts off, as a trickle of endorphins; you feel good. Similar to a peacock, you preen and show off the best of you, to attract the attention of the best that's out there. As time passes, and the dance prolongs, constant impressing no longer becomes a need/must. Instead, you start lowering your defenses, allowing entry to your inner thoughts, truer emotions, darker secrets.
When the rejection everyone secretly fears doesn't come, and instead, you're greeted with acceptance, that's why you start shedding the mask that you've been wearing for so long it melds into your skin. With each piece you shed, you expose the true you to that person. By now, the feeling isn't just a trickle of feeling good. Enough time would have passed, that you've experienced ups and downs, as part of the acceptance and acknowledgement process. There's an accompanying tender fondness when you look at that person; a well of desire that sets you ablaze and makes you want to show the world that this person chose you.
Sexual desire, that carnal pleasure. You crave for their touch, that just a look, can make you want to bring them to a plateau, that only you have the privilege to. You want to share that moment of utter intimacy and vulnerability with the person you entrusted the most fragile part of your being. A single touch from them, would be enough to unleash that torrent of want and need.
A sense of belonging, sense of home. An impression of comfort and safety. That's what a hug could bring and mean. Home is where the heart is. A warm home, with hot food on the table, comfy bed and the feeling of being welcomed; that's the truest gift one could hope for, for these can't be replicated with money. If these doesn't come from the heart, food wouldn't be palatable, and as warm the home could be, temperature wise, it'll leave a chill in your heart. A hug is similar. If the person hugging you, doesn't love you, a hug is just an impersonal action.
When you stop seeing just yourself in the mirror, and start seeing someone next to you, that's love. You don't make plans based on your own whims and desires. You start making plans with another person in mind, and take into consideration their likes/dislikes, whims and desires. You'll be mindful of how that person feels, maybe not all the time, but most of the time. Sketching a future together: what to do, where to go, how to be.
Love, sometimes smacks you in the face and be like: Hey I'm here! Take me!
Love, sometimes, creeps up unannounced; till one day you wake up and see love staring back at you.
Love, can be a fast yet shallow river bed, that all too often, runs out quick.
Love too, can be a slow and deep stream, that endures harsh droughts.
Love, is akin to giving someone the key to the greatest treasure chest.
Love too, is the sharpest blade you'll ever gift someone.
A double edged sword, that almost everyone pursues. Some lucky ones, identify and find it almost immediately. Some, need a lesson or two, or several, before recognizing what they seek. Some even had it, but let it slip them by. Love doesn't turn back, slows down or stop. It's constantly on the move, so once you've got it, don't let it slip you by.
How would you define love?
Questions, practically everyone has thought about.
Love, I reckon, has many facets to it. At its core, love, for me, is a warm and encompassing feeling. It's a sense of belonging, the feeling of home. It, just is. There's a tenderness to it, along with a flaming passion. You stop looking in the mirror, and see only yourself. Instead, you see yourself with others. That's love.
Family, aren't just exemplified by blood. Family is denoted as people who accept the true you, flaws, shortcomings, quirks and all; Blood becomes family, friends evolve into family, and lover/partner grows into family.
Again, a multi faceted emotion. It starts off, as a trickle of endorphins; you feel good. Similar to a peacock, you preen and show off the best of you, to attract the attention of the best that's out there. As time passes, and the dance prolongs, constant impressing no longer becomes a need/must. Instead, you start lowering your defenses, allowing entry to your inner thoughts, truer emotions, darker secrets.
When the rejection everyone secretly fears doesn't come, and instead, you're greeted with acceptance, that's why you start shedding the mask that you've been wearing for so long it melds into your skin. With each piece you shed, you expose the true you to that person. By now, the feeling isn't just a trickle of feeling good. Enough time would have passed, that you've experienced ups and downs, as part of the acceptance and acknowledgement process. There's an accompanying tender fondness when you look at that person; a well of desire that sets you ablaze and makes you want to show the world that this person chose you.
Sexual desire, that carnal pleasure. You crave for their touch, that just a look, can make you want to bring them to a plateau, that only you have the privilege to. You want to share that moment of utter intimacy and vulnerability with the person you entrusted the most fragile part of your being. A single touch from them, would be enough to unleash that torrent of want and need.
A sense of belonging, sense of home. An impression of comfort and safety. That's what a hug could bring and mean. Home is where the heart is. A warm home, with hot food on the table, comfy bed and the feeling of being welcomed; that's the truest gift one could hope for, for these can't be replicated with money. If these doesn't come from the heart, food wouldn't be palatable, and as warm the home could be, temperature wise, it'll leave a chill in your heart. A hug is similar. If the person hugging you, doesn't love you, a hug is just an impersonal action.
When you stop seeing just yourself in the mirror, and start seeing someone next to you, that's love. You don't make plans based on your own whims and desires. You start making plans with another person in mind, and take into consideration their likes/dislikes, whims and desires. You'll be mindful of how that person feels, maybe not all the time, but most of the time. Sketching a future together: what to do, where to go, how to be.
Love, sometimes smacks you in the face and be like: Hey I'm here! Take me!
Love, sometimes, creeps up unannounced; till one day you wake up and see love staring back at you.
Love, can be a fast yet shallow river bed, that all too often, runs out quick.
Love too, can be a slow and deep stream, that endures harsh droughts.
Love, is akin to giving someone the key to the greatest treasure chest.
Love too, is the sharpest blade you'll ever gift someone.
A double edged sword, that almost everyone pursues. Some lucky ones, identify and find it almost immediately. Some, need a lesson or two, or several, before recognizing what they seek. Some even had it, but let it slip them by. Love doesn't turn back, slows down or stop. It's constantly on the move, so once you've got it, don't let it slip you by.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Myriad
How am I feeling today?
That's a very good question. Let's see.
What are the sources of this.... Discontentment?
Mom. Bii. Work. Me.
Mom. Had a phone call with mom. Maybe it's the guilt eating inside of me, that made me react negatively when she started nagging. Ended up with a fight.
Bii. Doesn't hug me anymore, kiss me anymore, or want me anymore. Fck that shit.
Work. Feeling incompetent, and a lack of progress. If only it's just a lack of progress. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I'm... tired.
Me. Fucking insecurities rearing their ugly head.
How do I feel then.
Not just physically tired. But also mentally tired.
That's a very good question. Let's see.
What are the sources of this.... Discontentment?
Mom. Bii. Work. Me.
Mom. Had a phone call with mom. Maybe it's the guilt eating inside of me, that made me react negatively when she started nagging. Ended up with a fight.
Bii. Doesn't hug me anymore, kiss me anymore, or want me anymore. Fck that shit.
Work. Feeling incompetent, and a lack of progress. If only it's just a lack of progress. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I'm... tired.
Me. Fucking insecurities rearing their ugly head.
How do I feel then.
Not just physically tired. But also mentally tired.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Fallin'
She crept along
Silently,
Steadily.
Along the outer perimeter
The guards on duty
Were on high alert,
Senses attuned.
Still she crept,
Like a ninja,
She breached the defenses,
Like knife through butter.
O'er the hills and valleys and plains
She journeyed.
Inching her way closer
With each mile traversed.
Like a thief in the night
All clad in black
She snuck past
Patrolling knights
Past the moat
Past the turrets
Into the courtyard
Into the chambers
In the deepest part of the castle
Where scarcely a handful had ventured
She encountered,
The Warrior.
She came prepared;
One in full battle attire,
One clad in nary a defensive outfit,
Armed only with items in a pouch.
Into Warrior's face,
She threw.
Effort.
A stumble.
Then came Sincerity.
A swoon.
Next was Care.
Armor striped.
Last was Heart.
A transformation.
You,
Are that ninja,
That thief in the night.
And you,
Brought along
A whirlwind of emotions.
A kaleidoscope of colors,
Yet, in the eye of it all,
You're an anchor amidst the chaos.
You wormed your way into my life
And heart
And I hope, you'll never leave.
Silently,
Steadily.
Along the outer perimeter
The guards on duty
Were on high alert,
Senses attuned.
Still she crept,
Like a ninja,
She breached the defenses,
Like knife through butter.
O'er the hills and valleys and plains
She journeyed.
Inching her way closer
With each mile traversed.
Like a thief in the night
All clad in black
She snuck past
Patrolling knights
Past the moat
Past the turrets
Into the courtyard
Into the chambers
In the deepest part of the castle
Where scarcely a handful had ventured
She encountered,
The Warrior.
She came prepared;
One in full battle attire,
One clad in nary a defensive outfit,
Armed only with items in a pouch.
Into Warrior's face,
She threw.
Effort.
A stumble.
Then came Sincerity.
A swoon.
Next was Care.
Armor striped.
Last was Heart.
A transformation.
You,
Are that ninja,
That thief in the night.
And you,
Brought along
A whirlwind of emotions.
A kaleidoscope of colors,
Yet, in the eye of it all,
You're an anchor amidst the chaos.
You wormed your way into my life
And heart
And I hope, you'll never leave.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
A continuation
So I left out the last, but definitely not least person from the previous post. And with good reason too.
She deserves way more than just a few paragraphs, of an already long gush over Dichelle.
Xue Yi. The 26 year old lawyer from Penang. She's sweet and she makes me feel so... touched at the little things she say. From implying that I'm a soothing source in an otherwise whirlwind of a life, to instantly giving me attention when I said I'm sad. I do like her. Maybe not the gushing kind like with Dichelle. But a slow & steady and gradually building momentum kind of wave of emotions.
At any rate, I want to start things off the right foot, and do right by her. I deleted my dating app accounts, and uninstalled them as well. I realize, I don't want to let this slip by me, before it blooms into something more.
It's been a week or so since the beginning part was written and saved as a draft. In this time we've only gotten closer and closer. Endearments are already on the table, ranging from sayang, dear, all the way to bii. Yes, it's mostly from me. But it's reciprocated, so it's not a lost cause.
Something weird kinda happened the past couple of days. Ever since she got back from Vietnam, she has been super crazy busy. And intellectually, I understand that and tried to give her space. Emotionally, it's like going cold turkey. I was rather... Emotional, for lack of a more encompassing word. Blue and down and out. I couldn't put a name to that emotion I was feeling. Naturally, the insecurities surfaced.
Started thinking about all the ridiculous What-Ifs. What if she doesn't want me anymore? What if this connection was all in my mind? What if I'm not good enough for her? What if she wants to get back with her ex? What if, she's ghosting on me? What if, I'm not special, but part of the crowd? After all, why would she choose me? Why would she want me? I'm nothing special after all.
All those thoughts, lingered in my mind. Ok, so, I kinda cried a lil on Tuesday night. I reached out to Tucker over the weekend, but he, God bless him, has amazing timing. He got back to me on Wednesday. We had a long chat, and I voiced out how I felt. T set me on the right path and sort of gave me a verbal dress down. LOL. I suppose, I kinda deserved that.
T then told me about his news. He just found out he has thyroid cancer, which, as far as cancers go, has one of the highest rate of survival past 10 years, and is a very very slow moving one. Again, intellectually, I understand that this is something that can be overcome; Emotionally, again, I kinda lost it? Hahahaha.
To top things off, XY didn't reply me the whole day. And when she did, she told me she didn't have a chance to eat at all. No rest whatsoever. That was the last straw to the floodgates. I, sort of nagged at her. As I was walking back, I started tearing. I was down the whole night, yet, somehow, I managed to put up a show when on the phone with mom! I have to thank Tracy for that, for pulling me out of that emotional void.
I called XY before I went bed. I know, I spoke in a small voice. I must have sounded horrible. She was so gentle when she said: I'm rushing for something at the moment. I call you back okay? She did call me back after half an hour, but I think I may have cried me to sleep already then. That was before 11, when I somehow dozed off. I woke up at half 12, and saw her text. We started texting then.
She apologized profusely, saying that she appreciates that I care, and that when she starts working, she will forget everything else except work. We talked more last night, more like a proper conversation. I realize, I don't mind sacrificing my time and sleep for her. I think, I'm falling for her, bit by bit, day by day.
I love, how she puts in the effort, time and energy. I love it even more, when she tries to put me as a priority. It can't be easy, having to slot in time for me, when her work is so consuming. The trend looks to be a weekly date night; this is touching, since that workaholic is putting me ahead of the others. Meeting her friends, isn't that daunting a prospect. Just haven't communicated this to her. I should, shouldn't I?
Fuck. I AM falling for her. God, how did this happen? And yet, it feels, kinda right? It's nice, not to be considered as an option. I look forward to her messages all the time. I talk nonsense when I do have her attention. I'm super affectionate when I talk to her. That fluttering feeling in me gut. Her messages make me smile, even if I'm only scrolling through old messages.
Pardon the rambling. I mentioned weird didn't I?
Weird 'cause, it felt like how we both handled, and reacted to this... situation, would have made or break this fragile connection between us. As a result, it felt like we passed some sort of test? And that our bond (?) got stronger. Or maybe I'm just projecting, and all this is in my mind.
Either way, I have a good feeling about this. That she, could just well be, the one. Too soon to tell, definitely, but the possibility is there, and prospects, at this point of time, seems bright.
She deserves way more than just a few paragraphs, of an already long gush over Dichelle.
Xue Yi. The 26 year old lawyer from Penang. She's sweet and she makes me feel so... touched at the little things she say. From implying that I'm a soothing source in an otherwise whirlwind of a life, to instantly giving me attention when I said I'm sad. I do like her. Maybe not the gushing kind like with Dichelle. But a slow & steady and gradually building momentum kind of wave of emotions.
At any rate, I want to start things off the right foot, and do right by her. I deleted my dating app accounts, and uninstalled them as well. I realize, I don't want to let this slip by me, before it blooms into something more.
It's been a week or so since the beginning part was written and saved as a draft. In this time we've only gotten closer and closer. Endearments are already on the table, ranging from sayang, dear, all the way to bii. Yes, it's mostly from me. But it's reciprocated, so it's not a lost cause.
Something weird kinda happened the past couple of days. Ever since she got back from Vietnam, she has been super crazy busy. And intellectually, I understand that and tried to give her space. Emotionally, it's like going cold turkey. I was rather... Emotional, for lack of a more encompassing word. Blue and down and out. I couldn't put a name to that emotion I was feeling. Naturally, the insecurities surfaced.
Started thinking about all the ridiculous What-Ifs. What if she doesn't want me anymore? What if this connection was all in my mind? What if I'm not good enough for her? What if she wants to get back with her ex? What if, she's ghosting on me? What if, I'm not special, but part of the crowd? After all, why would she choose me? Why would she want me? I'm nothing special after all.
All those thoughts, lingered in my mind. Ok, so, I kinda cried a lil on Tuesday night. I reached out to Tucker over the weekend, but he, God bless him, has amazing timing. He got back to me on Wednesday. We had a long chat, and I voiced out how I felt. T set me on the right path and sort of gave me a verbal dress down. LOL. I suppose, I kinda deserved that.
T then told me about his news. He just found out he has thyroid cancer, which, as far as cancers go, has one of the highest rate of survival past 10 years, and is a very very slow moving one. Again, intellectually, I understand that this is something that can be overcome; Emotionally, again, I kinda lost it? Hahahaha.
To top things off, XY didn't reply me the whole day. And when she did, she told me she didn't have a chance to eat at all. No rest whatsoever. That was the last straw to the floodgates. I, sort of nagged at her. As I was walking back, I started tearing. I was down the whole night, yet, somehow, I managed to put up a show when on the phone with mom! I have to thank Tracy for that, for pulling me out of that emotional void.
I called XY before I went bed. I know, I spoke in a small voice. I must have sounded horrible. She was so gentle when she said: I'm rushing for something at the moment. I call you back okay? She did call me back after half an hour, but I think I may have cried me to sleep already then. That was before 11, when I somehow dozed off. I woke up at half 12, and saw her text. We started texting then.
She apologized profusely, saying that she appreciates that I care, and that when she starts working, she will forget everything else except work. We talked more last night, more like a proper conversation. I realize, I don't mind sacrificing my time and sleep for her. I think, I'm falling for her, bit by bit, day by day.
I love, how she puts in the effort, time and energy. I love it even more, when she tries to put me as a priority. It can't be easy, having to slot in time for me, when her work is so consuming. The trend looks to be a weekly date night; this is touching, since that workaholic is putting me ahead of the others. Meeting her friends, isn't that daunting a prospect. Just haven't communicated this to her. I should, shouldn't I?
Fuck. I AM falling for her. God, how did this happen? And yet, it feels, kinda right? It's nice, not to be considered as an option. I look forward to her messages all the time. I talk nonsense when I do have her attention. I'm super affectionate when I talk to her. That fluttering feeling in me gut. Her messages make me smile, even if I'm only scrolling through old messages.
Pardon the rambling. I mentioned weird didn't I?
Weird 'cause, it felt like how we both handled, and reacted to this... situation, would have made or break this fragile connection between us. As a result, it felt like we passed some sort of test? And that our bond (?) got stronger. Or maybe I'm just projecting, and all this is in my mind.
Either way, I have a good feeling about this. That she, could just well be, the one. Too soon to tell, definitely, but the possibility is there, and prospects, at this point of time, seems bright.
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