I don't really have a topic that I particularly want to explore right now, but I have an urge to write. So here's a small collection of the various topics that hamster wheel in my minuscule grey matter world.
I think I'm losing Nor's attention. Not sure if it's a bad thing. A nagging feeling at the back of my brain, that I'm the one who's being cold and she's just reacting. Not too sure, but there's a possibility to that.
Easy to fall into a conversation with Esty. However, there's a certain sense of motive behind this friendship. Do I want to address the elephant in the room? Maybe I'm just over sensitive.
I have this bad habit of procrastinating when I feel pressured. This is evident in my work. I haven't quite a clear cut idea of what I'm doing, and as a result, I find it hard to focus when I don't even have that starting point. Perhaps I let things overwhelm me too fast too soon.
Yes, I keep insisting that I don't want a long term relationship now. Still, I think deep down I want one. So contradictory. I guess, I want that companionship? Another file to be processed later on; Shove it to the back corner.
I've been feeling lost, one way or another, ever since things with Tasha fell apart. Felt like, the compass is spoilt, ship lost its anchor, and stars aren't out to play. Been struggling on and off, and it's something that's affecting my professional life as well. If you asked me back then, I'd tell you, my aim is to migrate to the States to be with Tasha; build a family together, work things out together. Now? I've not a clue, in all honesty.
A broken record is what i sound like. Quite apt too. I know I DON'T want to be in an operations based job role. Then what? No idea. Feels like I've been camping at this crossroads for ages. So I'm currently in a non-operations role. More of a middle office kind of position, where it's not back end, nor is it entirely client facing. Perhaps more of a 70% back end, 30% client facing. Or even a 80/20. A question Tasha recently asked me: Do you like your job. In all fairness, I don't hate the job. I'm just not sure I'm suitable for this job.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Friday, April 14, 2017
Movie Date
A night out, once a while, is a stress reliever. A night out with your BFF is even more so, especially when we don't hang that often no more.
So it was a relatively impromptu decision to have dinner and watch Fast & Furious 8 together. A text on Wednesday for a meet up on Thursday. Sitting down to dinner, we started talking, and she started unloading. You know the saying, 'The grass is always greener on the other side"? It's kind of true. So I'd admit, sometimes, I envy her. High paying job, house under her name, a typical family back in Seremban, and someone to spend the rest of her life with.
Yes, I have a relatively high paying job, but, not quite as high; I have a condo, not a house under my name; my family is atypical 'cause mom's the breadwinner, not dad; I've still very much single. Haha. I realize I've been comparing me to her. Doesn't mean I'm not proud of what I've accomplished so far. It's just, sometimes, in comparison...
Materials aside, it's not that big a deal to me. I've gotten where I am today based on my own merits so there's really nothing to whine about. Now, that last bit, is what I sometimes envy, not just her, but everyone else who has this. Yada yada, I know I said I'm not actively searching for a relationship, much less long term. Still.
So she's supposed to get hitched next year. She was telling me about how stressful work is, and that she's seriously considering quitting. On top of work, the wedding planning seems to be stagnant. She shared details on this, and told me, she's already at her limit. If the wedding happens, it's only because she picked up the planning where he left it. She said, she's thinking about breaking up.
Initially, I was shocked. I was like, babe, why? You've been together for what, 7 years? And this behavior of his didn't happen overnight. She said, yes it didn't. But it's getting worse. He was the one who wanted to get married. But where's the effort? Other than making reservations for the restaurant and pre-wedding photoshoot, nothing else is planned. If nothing else is planned, how to send out invites for the wedding?
She unloaded quite a bit yesterday and my heart went out to her. The whole point of this post, I suppose, other than a means for me to somewhat organize my thoughts, is to highlight that sometimes it's good to get out and spend time with friends. Work gets to all of us, one way or another. But we humans are social beings, well, majority of us are. And the occasional human interaction helps. Talking about things that bother you, or even writing them down, helps a lot.
Everyone's life seems rosy on the outside, but that not necessarily true. Appearances can be deceiving. In this time and age, what seems to be may not be what it actually is.
We went for a movie after chatting, and it proved to be the distraction she needed. After the movie, she was all smiles again, and her demeanor changed. That girl is my best friend, and coincidentally my 1st crush ever. Love her to the moon and back again. And I reckon, all I want for her is to be happy. I'd support her in any decision she makes, as long as it's something she wants to do. So if she wants to break up, break up lah!
Yes, I ramble quite a bit and go off track often. Oh. As a post script, Fast & Furious 8 was pretty decent. A tad predictable, but decent enough.
So it was a relatively impromptu decision to have dinner and watch Fast & Furious 8 together. A text on Wednesday for a meet up on Thursday. Sitting down to dinner, we started talking, and she started unloading. You know the saying, 'The grass is always greener on the other side"? It's kind of true. So I'd admit, sometimes, I envy her. High paying job, house under her name, a typical family back in Seremban, and someone to spend the rest of her life with.
Yes, I have a relatively high paying job, but, not quite as high; I have a condo, not a house under my name; my family is atypical 'cause mom's the breadwinner, not dad; I've still very much single. Haha. I realize I've been comparing me to her. Doesn't mean I'm not proud of what I've accomplished so far. It's just, sometimes, in comparison...
Materials aside, it's not that big a deal to me. I've gotten where I am today based on my own merits so there's really nothing to whine about. Now, that last bit, is what I sometimes envy, not just her, but everyone else who has this. Yada yada, I know I said I'm not actively searching for a relationship, much less long term. Still.
So she's supposed to get hitched next year. She was telling me about how stressful work is, and that she's seriously considering quitting. On top of work, the wedding planning seems to be stagnant. She shared details on this, and told me, she's already at her limit. If the wedding happens, it's only because she picked up the planning where he left it. She said, she's thinking about breaking up.
Initially, I was shocked. I was like, babe, why? You've been together for what, 7 years? And this behavior of his didn't happen overnight. She said, yes it didn't. But it's getting worse. He was the one who wanted to get married. But where's the effort? Other than making reservations for the restaurant and pre-wedding photoshoot, nothing else is planned. If nothing else is planned, how to send out invites for the wedding?
She unloaded quite a bit yesterday and my heart went out to her. The whole point of this post, I suppose, other than a means for me to somewhat organize my thoughts, is to highlight that sometimes it's good to get out and spend time with friends. Work gets to all of us, one way or another. But we humans are social beings, well, majority of us are. And the occasional human interaction helps. Talking about things that bother you, or even writing them down, helps a lot.
Everyone's life seems rosy on the outside, but that not necessarily true. Appearances can be deceiving. In this time and age, what seems to be may not be what it actually is.
We went for a movie after chatting, and it proved to be the distraction she needed. After the movie, she was all smiles again, and her demeanor changed. That girl is my best friend, and coincidentally my 1st crush ever. Love her to the moon and back again. And I reckon, all I want for her is to be happy. I'd support her in any decision she makes, as long as it's something she wants to do. So if she wants to break up, break up lah!
Yes, I ramble quite a bit and go off track often. Oh. As a post script, Fast & Furious 8 was pretty decent. A tad predictable, but decent enough.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
It's been a while...
Fear.
I'm scared of taking that 1st step
Into the unknown
Into the unexplored
Into the dark
I'm afraid
Of making that move
Of taking that leap of faith
Of putting my fate in someone else's hand
I fear
The unpredictability
The vast possibilities, both good and bad
The uncertainty
I detest
Not being in control
Not knowing what to anticipate
Not having the solid ground beneath my feet
I'm not good
At expressing myself
At communicating my desires
At pleasing me
Yet when words fail me,
This calms me;
Long way more to conquer Fear
Still, every move counts
I'm scared of taking that 1st step
Into the unknown
Into the unexplored
Into the dark
I'm afraid
Of making that move
Of taking that leap of faith
Of putting my fate in someone else's hand
I fear
The unpredictability
The vast possibilities, both good and bad
The uncertainty
I detest
Not being in control
Not knowing what to anticipate
Not having the solid ground beneath my feet
I'm not good
At expressing myself
At communicating my desires
At pleasing me
Yet when words fail me,
This calms me;
Long way more to conquer Fear
Still, every move counts
Contemplation pt1
Well. Before I start off the actual post, I wanted to post an update on the previous. As it turns out, happily married lady is in an open relationship. So, it's all good again (pardon the horn dog sticking out it's tongue)
Right, so talking about contemplation. I was lying in bed, almost nodding off, when this thought struck me: What do I want in life. With that, say bye bye to Beauty Sleep. All of a sudden, a torrent flood of questions started crowding around. Where do I want to be at. What do I want in terms of career. What am I looking for. What are my life goals. What direction am I heading for. What AM I doing with my life now. How do I go about achieving what I want to achieve. What DO I want to achieve.
What. Where. Why. How. Who.
Thanks WH family for paying me a visit in the dead of the night.
I reckon. The most pressing and fundamental position goes to What.
What do I want in life:
- A steady income, preferably a 5 figured one.
- A steady side income, from the various investments.
- A family. A partner that adores me, and maybe kids. A couple would do.
- Financial freedom to do what I want, when I want, how I want, with whom I want.
Where am I currently in relation to achieving what I want in life:
- Halfway there.
- There's some side income, but not quite as steady. Growing at an average speed, considering the current economical situation
- Nowhere near. I'm not even out to my family, and probably will not in the near future. Besides, there's no potential candidate as yet. Why bother rocking the boat. Let lying dogs lie.
- Saddled with a mortgage, various insurances and a car loan. Nowhere close in this aspect either.
What are the various aspects to my life that needs to be managed:
- The car loan. Probably due in 3 years or so
- The mortgage. Considering the location of the condo, my financial situation, as well as my job location, it's not quite as practical to stay there. Odds are I'd probably rent/lease it out. It'll help with the mortgage payment too.
- Migration. I'll be 30 next year. It's time to kick start the migration process. Start off by taking my IELTS. Academic grade, no less.
- Career. With me aiming to kick start the migration process next year. What kind of career/job prospects am I look at/for? Do I tell my manager about my plans? This requires further consideration from all angles.
- Parents. Again, as the by results of my migration decision, what am I going to do with my folks? If I can't settle on a win-win solution, I might not even kick start the migration process. Yet, this migration/PR thing, is something I want, for my future.
So many things to take into consideration. My head hurts. More contemplation for another day.
Right, so talking about contemplation. I was lying in bed, almost nodding off, when this thought struck me: What do I want in life. With that, say bye bye to Beauty Sleep. All of a sudden, a torrent flood of questions started crowding around. Where do I want to be at. What do I want in terms of career. What am I looking for. What are my life goals. What direction am I heading for. What AM I doing with my life now. How do I go about achieving what I want to achieve. What DO I want to achieve.
What. Where. Why. How. Who.
Thanks WH family for paying me a visit in the dead of the night.
I reckon. The most pressing and fundamental position goes to What.
What do I want in life:
- A steady income, preferably a 5 figured one.
- A steady side income, from the various investments.
- A family. A partner that adores me, and maybe kids. A couple would do.
- Financial freedom to do what I want, when I want, how I want, with whom I want.
Where am I currently in relation to achieving what I want in life:
- Halfway there.
- There's some side income, but not quite as steady. Growing at an average speed, considering the current economical situation
- Nowhere near. I'm not even out to my family, and probably will not in the near future. Besides, there's no potential candidate as yet. Why bother rocking the boat. Let lying dogs lie.
- Saddled with a mortgage, various insurances and a car loan. Nowhere close in this aspect either.
What are the various aspects to my life that needs to be managed:
- The car loan. Probably due in 3 years or so
- The mortgage. Considering the location of the condo, my financial situation, as well as my job location, it's not quite as practical to stay there. Odds are I'd probably rent/lease it out. It'll help with the mortgage payment too.
- Migration. I'll be 30 next year. It's time to kick start the migration process. Start off by taking my IELTS. Academic grade, no less.
- Career. With me aiming to kick start the migration process next year. What kind of career/job prospects am I look at/for? Do I tell my manager about my plans? This requires further consideration from all angles.
- Parents. Again, as the by results of my migration decision, what am I going to do with my folks? If I can't settle on a win-win solution, I might not even kick start the migration process. Yet, this migration/PR thing, is something I want, for my future.
So many things to take into consideration. My head hurts. More contemplation for another day.
Monday, April 3, 2017
Heart Wrenching Blow
So the night after finding out that Esty isn't available, I suddenly got this notification from Tinder.
Turns out I've got a new match!
Looking at the profile picture alone, I wasn't quite sure why I swiped right. How superficial right? Reading the profile tho, I realized I swiped right based on the content. She texted me first, and we got to chatting.
She's the intellectual artistic kind, which makes for good conversations. So we ended up meeting up a couple of weeks ago, and just hang. Mild groping on my part, but other than that, it was pretty innocent.
I'm attracted to her mind. And out of curiosity, I decided to stalk her on Facebook. See, we have a mutual friend, and 'cause Tinder is linked to Facebook, ergo... And WHAM! You know how pictures say a thousand words, and are more effective than words?
She's. Married.
Happily so too.
Just.
FML.
Turns out I've got a new match!
Looking at the profile picture alone, I wasn't quite sure why I swiped right. How superficial right? Reading the profile tho, I realized I swiped right based on the content. She texted me first, and we got to chatting.
She's the intellectual artistic kind, which makes for good conversations. So we ended up meeting up a couple of weeks ago, and just hang. Mild groping on my part, but other than that, it was pretty innocent.
I'm attracted to her mind. And out of curiosity, I decided to stalk her on Facebook. See, we have a mutual friend, and 'cause Tinder is linked to Facebook, ergo... And WHAM! You know how pictures say a thousand words, and are more effective than words?
She's. Married.
Happily so too.
Just.
FML.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Disappointment
Disappointment never tasted quite as bitter as it does now. Just when you thought: hey this is a girl I can see myself with. Said girl turns out to already have a gf overseas.
The sad part is, I was really into her. My heart was crushed when she mentioned a gf today. She looked so happy when talking about the gf, my heart just kept shattering. I was, under the impression that we could have been more. I'd never want to come between a couple.
It was fun talking to her. And she's really cool. I thought, thought that maybe, maybe it's my turn to be happy. So mistaken. So very mistaken. Such a bitter pill to swallow.
How to be optimistic after this blow.i just can't. I just want to lie in bed, under the covers and cry a little. Don't have any expectations. Saying is easy, doing is a different story. Wallowing in self pity, perhaps I'm not destined to be with anyone. Perhaps I'm destined to forever be alone.
Maybe I jinxed myself when I thought that there may be a chance she's not single. Well. Guess it's too late to pull back, ain't it. She's someone who's really nice to talk to, good looking to boot too. She's someone, who'll make a great gf. Unfortunately, that someone isn't me.
Yes I'm aware that I'm just crushing. But crushing is also an involved feeling. Just feel so, upset. So blue.
The sad part is, I was really into her. My heart was crushed when she mentioned a gf today. She looked so happy when talking about the gf, my heart just kept shattering. I was, under the impression that we could have been more. I'd never want to come between a couple.
It was fun talking to her. And she's really cool. I thought, thought that maybe, maybe it's my turn to be happy. So mistaken. So very mistaken. Such a bitter pill to swallow.
How to be optimistic after this blow.i just can't. I just want to lie in bed, under the covers and cry a little. Don't have any expectations. Saying is easy, doing is a different story. Wallowing in self pity, perhaps I'm not destined to be with anyone. Perhaps I'm destined to forever be alone.
Maybe I jinxed myself when I thought that there may be a chance she's not single. Well. Guess it's too late to pull back, ain't it. She's someone who's really nice to talk to, good looking to boot too. She's someone, who'll make a great gf. Unfortunately, that someone isn't me.
Yes I'm aware that I'm just crushing. But crushing is also an involved feeling. Just feel so, upset. So blue.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Catch Up
So I realized, I've been neglecting this for some time. I'll do a proper catch up.... eventually.
Now on to something more current. CNY is practically around the corner. And before that, it's the Bangkok trip! This trip is special, not because of the location or the possibilities of stocking up on my favorite medicated oil, but because for the 1st time in forever, A. Ju is coming along, without U. Charles! I've always loved hanging with A. Ju. It's just that in recent years, it's difficult to get her alone.
But in preparation for this trip, I need desperately, to lose more weight. Currently weighting in at 66.4kg, it's an achievement already, given the fact that I only started in September 2016. Of course, my dream has always been to maintain the figure at 55kg. However, people have been warning me not to lose too much, otherwise will look haggard. I'm not sure. I believe, I've been a 55kg before, don't quite remember looking haggard then. Maybe 'cause I was still young. *shrugs*
Going to the gym has become quite the change in lifestyle for me. Even the change in diet. I realize, I don't miss what I love quite as badly as I thought I would. I mean, cheese, chocolate, alcohol. Yea, I do want them once a while, but I don't quite crave or long for them much. Another thing I realized as well, is that, I've not been experiencing muscle aches for quite some time. I used to get really tight, tense shoulder muscles. I suppose, this would be something I'll be looking to maintain going forward.
I'm starting to understand, why people keep hitting the gym. It's almost like a form of addiction, albeit a good one. From a scientific point of view, exercising releases endorphins, which makes you feel good. A positive feedback to the nervous system, and humans react to positive reinforcements. Hence, they keep going back to the gym, if only 'cause there's so many various equipment for general usage. Another positive reinforcement is when you have a rocking smoking hot bod. When you look good, you feel good. Doesn't hurt when you get admiring looks either. I'd admit, I find myself admiring myself in the mirror more often now, even though I'm not at that stage where I find myself smoking yet.
Lifestyle aside, work is another kettle of fish. It's been a challenging 2016, and it looks to be a continued trend this year. With such turbulence in the beginning of the year, it's easy to buy into the idea that the Rooster year isn't good for Rabbits. Challenges, both internal and external, are aplenty, and it's prudent to keep a low profile. So, note to self: procrastinate less, and be more focused on the right things at the right time.
Now on to something more current. CNY is practically around the corner. And before that, it's the Bangkok trip! This trip is special, not because of the location or the possibilities of stocking up on my favorite medicated oil, but because for the 1st time in forever, A. Ju is coming along, without U. Charles! I've always loved hanging with A. Ju. It's just that in recent years, it's difficult to get her alone.
But in preparation for this trip, I need desperately, to lose more weight. Currently weighting in at 66.4kg, it's an achievement already, given the fact that I only started in September 2016. Of course, my dream has always been to maintain the figure at 55kg. However, people have been warning me not to lose too much, otherwise will look haggard. I'm not sure. I believe, I've been a 55kg before, don't quite remember looking haggard then. Maybe 'cause I was still young. *shrugs*
Going to the gym has become quite the change in lifestyle for me. Even the change in diet. I realize, I don't miss what I love quite as badly as I thought I would. I mean, cheese, chocolate, alcohol. Yea, I do want them once a while, but I don't quite crave or long for them much. Another thing I realized as well, is that, I've not been experiencing muscle aches for quite some time. I used to get really tight, tense shoulder muscles. I suppose, this would be something I'll be looking to maintain going forward.
I'm starting to understand, why people keep hitting the gym. It's almost like a form of addiction, albeit a good one. From a scientific point of view, exercising releases endorphins, which makes you feel good. A positive feedback to the nervous system, and humans react to positive reinforcements. Hence, they keep going back to the gym, if only 'cause there's so many various equipment for general usage. Another positive reinforcement is when you have a rocking smoking hot bod. When you look good, you feel good. Doesn't hurt when you get admiring looks either. I'd admit, I find myself admiring myself in the mirror more often now, even though I'm not at that stage where I find myself smoking yet.
Lifestyle aside, work is another kettle of fish. It's been a challenging 2016, and it looks to be a continued trend this year. With such turbulence in the beginning of the year, it's easy to buy into the idea that the Rooster year isn't good for Rabbits. Challenges, both internal and external, are aplenty, and it's prudent to keep a low profile. So, note to self: procrastinate less, and be more focused on the right things at the right time.
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