Fallin'

She crept along
Silently,
Steadily.

Along the outer perimeter
The guards on duty
Were on high alert,
Senses attuned.

Still she crept,
Like a ninja,
She breached the defenses,
Like knife through butter.

O'er the hills and valleys and plains
She journeyed.
Inching her way closer
With each mile traversed.

Like a thief in the night
All clad in black
She snuck past
Patrolling knights

Past the moat
Past the turrets
Into the courtyard
Into the chambers

In the deepest part of the castle
Where scarcely a handful had ventured
She encountered,
The Warrior.

She came prepared;
One in full battle attire,
One clad in nary a defensive outfit,
Armed only with items in a pouch.

Into Warrior's face,
She threw.

Effort.
A stumble.
Then came Sincerity.
A swoon.

Next was Care.
Armor striped.
Last was Heart.
A transformation.

You,
Are that ninja,
That thief in the night.

And you,
Brought along
A whirlwind of emotions.

A kaleidoscope of colors,
Yet, in the eye of it all,
You're an anchor amidst the chaos.

You wormed your way into my life
And heart
And I hope, you'll never leave.

A continuation

So I left out the last, but definitely not least person from the previous post. And with good reason too.
She deserves way more than just a few paragraphs, of an already long gush over Dichelle.

Xue Yi. The 26 year old lawyer from Penang. She's sweet and she makes me feel so... touched at the little things she say. From implying that I'm a soothing source in an otherwise whirlwind of a life, to instantly giving me attention when I said I'm sad. I do like her. Maybe not the gushing kind like with Dichelle. But a slow & steady and gradually building momentum kind of wave of emotions.

At any rate, I want to start things off the right foot, and do right by her. I deleted my dating app accounts, and uninstalled them as well. I realize, I don't want to let this slip by me, before it blooms into something more.

It's been a week or so since the beginning part was written and saved as a draft. In this time we've only gotten closer and closer. Endearments are already on the table, ranging from sayang, dear, all the way to bii. Yes, it's mostly from me. But it's reciprocated, so it's not a lost cause.

Something weird kinda happened the past couple of days. Ever since she got back from Vietnam, she has been super crazy busy. And intellectually, I understand that and tried to give her space. Emotionally, it's like going cold turkey. I was rather... Emotional, for lack of a more encompassing word. Blue and down and out. I couldn't put a name to that emotion I was feeling. Naturally, the insecurities surfaced.

Started thinking about all the ridiculous What-Ifs. What if she doesn't want me anymore? What if this connection was all in my mind? What if I'm not good enough for her? What if she wants to get back with her ex? What if, she's ghosting on me? What if, I'm not special, but part of the crowd? After all, why would she choose me? Why would she want me? I'm nothing special after all.

All those thoughts, lingered in my mind. Ok, so, I kinda cried a lil on Tuesday night. I reached out to Tucker over the weekend, but he, God bless him, has amazing timing. He got back to me on Wednesday. We had a long chat, and I voiced out how I felt. T set me on the right path and sort of gave me a verbal dress down. LOL. I suppose, I kinda deserved that.

T then told me about his news. He just found out he has thyroid cancer, which, as far as cancers go, has one of the highest rate of survival past 10 years, and is a very very slow moving one. Again, intellectually, I understand that this is something that can be overcome; Emotionally, again, I kinda lost it? Hahahaha.

To top things off, XY didn't reply me the whole day. And when she did, she told me she didn't have a chance to eat at all. No rest whatsoever. That was the last straw to the floodgates. I, sort of nagged at her. As I was walking back, I started tearing. I was down the whole night, yet, somehow, I managed to put up a show when on the phone with mom! I have to thank Tracy for that, for pulling me out of that emotional void.

I called XY before I went bed. I know, I spoke in a small voice. I must have sounded horrible. She was so gentle when she said: I'm rushing for something at the moment. I call you back okay? She did call me back after half an hour, but I think I may have cried me to sleep already then. That was before 11, when I somehow dozed off. I woke up at half 12, and saw her text. We started texting then.

She apologized profusely, saying that she appreciates that I care, and that when she starts working, she will forget everything else except work. We talked more last night, more like a proper conversation. I realize, I don't mind sacrificing my time and sleep for her. I think, I'm falling for her, bit by bit, day by day.

I love, how she puts in the effort, time and energy. I love it even more, when she tries to put me as a priority. It can't be easy, having to slot in time for me, when her work is so consuming. The trend looks to be a weekly date night; this is touching, since that workaholic is putting me ahead of the others. Meeting her friends, isn't that daunting a prospect. Just haven't communicated this to her. I should, shouldn't I?

Fuck. I AM falling for her. God, how did this happen? And yet, it feels, kinda right? It's nice, not to be considered as an option. I look forward to her messages all the time. I talk nonsense when I do have her attention. I'm super affectionate when I talk to her. That fluttering feeling in me gut. Her messages make me smile, even if I'm only scrolling through old messages.

Pardon the rambling. I mentioned weird didn't I?

Weird 'cause, it felt like how we both handled, and reacted to this... situation, would have made or break this fragile connection between us. As a result, it felt like we passed some sort of test? And that our bond (?) got stronger. Or maybe I'm just projecting, and all this is in my mind.

Either way, I have a good feeling about this. That she, could just well be, the one. Too soon to tell, definitely, but the possibility is there, and prospects, at this point of time, seems bright.

Of Confusion, Variations & Indecisiveness

I've not been updating this regularly enough. By Jove! There's just so much to talk about!

There's 4 ladies that I want to talk about.

1st off, Nana. Nana is super hot. I mentioned before, that, that mind and body of hers is to die for. Yet, as much as I have the hots for Nana, she's someone else's wife.

2nd. Kirsten. Now she is someone I get along very well with, in text and what not. Sadly, she's been MIA for, close to 3 weeks now. I think, she had some family issues to attend to. A real pity if you ask me. I could have, would have given her emotional support.

3rd. Dichelle. She's a colleague from the US office, here on a medium term assignment. Here as in based in Singapore office, medium term as in a 2 year renewable contract. Conversations with her flowed really well. Honestly, I was very attracted to her. Surprise, surprise. I was the last to finish my meal that Thursday. We did the tourist thing, and took pictures with KLCC in the background. I even got her personal number (which apparently, she didn't give out to anyone else) and sent her pictures. When Shireen sent Dichelle back to her hotel, Dichelle told her, that she likes me, 'cause I'm so sociable, just like a party goer.

After we had lunch the next day with Chin Chin (Dichelle was going back to Singapore that afternoon), we all gave Dichelle goodbye hugs. She whispered into my ear and said: Bye crazy. Wow! Talk about having a moment with her. If she had come any closer, I'd have blushed so bad then. I tell you, I'm crushing hard on Dichelle.

I kept my distance for a week or so. Then I texted her on a Thursday night, asking how's her accommodation search coming along. We exchanged pleasantries and I asked permission to stalk her Insta (yay me!) And she stalked me back after that!

So a couple of days ago, on Monday 27th August, Shireen and Wayne (new joiner) came to office. They had a call with Dichelle (Woman's in London and still thinking about work! SMH) I was on the phone with another client, and I was probably a bit loud. She asked, if that's Laura she heard in the background. (Girl's got sharp ears!) And I'm like, oh oops! Sorry Dichelle!

Shireen likes to tease me about Dichelle. She thinks Dichelle likes me too. And she knows I like Dichelle, like, a whole lot. Hahaha. Well. I'll leave her alone for now, since she's on holidays. I'll probably disturb her again next week, just to catch up. Find out how she's getting along with the unboxing of her 34 boxes.

Dichelle is like, the forbidden fruit that is a temptation. You shouldn't, couldn't have it. Yet, you still stretch your hand towards it. As hot as she is, she's a colleague. Honestly, I've fantasized about her before *blush* I feel like a kid in her presence. And she probably thinks I am one too! It'll be interesting to find out, if she IS straight af or not. If she isn't, there's still the colleague hurdle. Sigh. She's just so fucking hot. I could give her a night to remember, sex her well, make her cum non stop.
Wow I just admitted to wanting to sex a colleague. Talk about a confession of sorts. Blardy good thing this shit is private right

Drifter

A loner by nature

She prowls the shoreline

Questing, probing,

Not knowing what she's seeking

Day in day out her routine goes

Till one sunset, she stumbled, per chance

Upon this unmarked trail

Faint at the onslaught, obvious once seen

The road not taken, she shrugs.

And upon a journey she embarked

Oh what an adventure it was!

A hidden cove, an inlet of water

Her first discovery.

What came next?

Myth debunked.

The most gorgeous face she saw

A set of vibrant green eyes

A smile that lit the world

A face, that was unmistakably feminine.

It started with a smile

A hello

That went on to last a lifetime

A lifetime that spanned half a decade

There was joy

There was laughter and hope

Then came the sorrow

Despair and loneliness

Still she persisted

On this road of minority choice

Squaring her shoulders

Chest up, she pushed ahead

A few stumbles

A few roadblocks

A few obstacles

In a moment of clarity

A drunken stupor provides

She locked her beating heart up

In a wooden chest, bound with iron linked chains

Pulling her hand back, she threw

Threw the key far, far away from her

Deep into Davy's grasp

Into his ever expanding hoard

A few stumbles

A few roadblocks

A few obstacles

The road not taken

A roller-coaster ride

A journey started

An adventure to be seen till the end

She met a flitting fairy

And was grateful for the company

They hit it off from the start

And her chest felt lighter with each passing moment

One fine day, the flitting fairy disappeared

Once more, she's left in the dark

Still, she shoulders on

Shoulders on she must

She knows now, what her search is for

That quest for the elusive,

That of which she's seeking,

That happiness

Perhaps, one day,

She'll get a shot.

At obtaining that fairytale ending

Till then, she'll continue as she always have.

My Hometown

So I semi attended this online writing circle chaired by Nana. It was about creative writing. So the prompt for the day was: my hometown. I got to thinking about it. I wanted to showcase the contrast between the past and the present. And it somehow had this melancholy, sombre tone to it.

My hometown
My place of birth
Where childhood memories reside
Seremban 

Not huge and confusing and forever changing
Like its bigger cousin Kuala Lumpur
Nor small and close knitted
Where every neighbor is a friend you know by name 

Just the right size of population and development
Where there's some familiarity amidst uncertainty
Where there's friends amongst strangers
Where the new blends and complements the old

Where once traffic jams are an irregularity
It's now a growing consistency
Where old school coffee shops once filled with the thrilling of magpies
It's now a concrete landfill marked as parking

My Alma mater stood proudly against the cliff face
Now said cliff face has been leveled for further expansion
The teachers I once feared and respected
Have since relinquished their responsibilities and embraced retirement

The playground dad used to bring me to
Still stands, just lonelier
The lake garden that is the pride and joy of the town
Still stands, just less shady

My hometown
Is a small place
Yet
Is a big part within my heart

As I read this over and over again, it somehow lacks an emotional connection behind it. It started off factual and descriptory,  followed by the changes wrung by development. Yet, it felt right ending where it did. Honestly? I had no idea what else to include in it.

Epiphany

So it was a pretty good weekend, despite the fact that my calves hurt like a m*****f*****.

I caught up with SP on Saturday afternoon, and Joanne that same night. Talking to SP, made me realize just how fortunate I am to have her in my life. We met in, 2004. That's 12 years of friendship. Despite that small gap where I consciously avoided her while I dealt with my emotions, we're pretty tight.

Not in the sense that we talk daily, but rather, somehow, we're always there for each other. Poor girl is facing the decision of her life: To marry or not to marry. Well. Relationship issues. Towards the end, we briefly talked about me. My decision is an even bigger decision than hers: To pursue the PR or not to.

With Joanne, we caught up a fair bit, again, on the relationship part. She shared about her past relationships and her concerns. We talked about me and my relationships, or lack of. Going home that night, we continued talking for a bit.

The conclusions I drew from talking to Joanne, is that, command of the language, English, is a big deal for me. As submissive and willing to compromise as I am, I can't be attracted to someone who's not good with communicating in English. This is because I'm most comfortable with this language. Malay is fine, Chinese is ok, but the deal clincher is English.

This re-affirms the fact that, intelligence is a huge turn on for me. Being able to banter and trade remarks gets me all heated up. I suppose, that's a reason why I'm not quite as attracted to Chinese as compared to other races. That, is the pivoting reason why I'm so attracted to Nana. Sasi comes in 2nd, purely because of his gender.

I realize, I don't care about height, looks or education level. I care that the other party has to be financially independent, and is able to carry on a conversation. Doesn't quite matter if she's short or tall, good looking or not, with a degree or not. As long as they can support themselves financially, and we can click on a conversational level, it's enough for me.

With SP, we talked about expectations, actions and reactions. My impression was that, her mindset has changed from a 'we' perspective, to a 'me' perspective, and I told her this. She agreed. She, has come to a point of no return. The only thing holding her back, is the fact that it's been 6-7 years of being together, and that there's a sense of reluctance. 'When a person ceases to be angry or to bother caring, all that's left is a sea of disappointment.'

I'm slowly getting there, with Nana, to be honest. Joanne keeps telling me not to bother with her, she just doesn't know that I'm getting more than a bit frustrated. It feels like, nothing I do is going to get through. I'm definitely infatuated with Nana. Yet, I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder. And that hurts.

Both my calves and my heart hurts.

Serabai

So I learned a new word today: serabai.

Apparently it means messy. Disorganized. Disheveled. Haywire.

Flirting with Sasi, is amusing. To be honest, I can't quite picture myself fucking him. I suppose I could, but not quite enough to sext. Sexting a girl tho. That's a different story.

I much rather fuck Nana. And that, is the truth. A woman's body, a woman's curves, just scream out to me. I THINK she's willing to go along with the fucking. Like, I believe that she's somewhat interested to fuck. But then again, I could be wrong.

I wrote this relatively long post about Nana yesterday. I published it.... and turned around and deleted it by accident. How idiotic. So yea, Nana. She's... INTRIGUING. She's a personality that I've never encountered among my circle of friends. She's intense, passionate, outspoken & fiery. She's like a bite of wasabi. It hits you when you first take a bite, and hits you harder when you swallow.

A multi-talented artist. That's how'd I describe her. The girl can sing, paint, write, is a fabulous spoken poet and does the occasional life art modeling. She's comfortable in her own skin, and that, in itself, is confidence. Confidence, for me, is a turn on. Coupled with an immerse wit and intelligence, that is the line, hook and sinker.

She's interesting. And it's been ages since I've came across someone that attracts my attention as much and as consistent as her. There's just something about her, that draws me like a moth to a flame. I suppose, like all artists, she has a certain charm to her person. An aura, if you will, that causes people to notice her in a full room. Crowd control, just like her alter ego in ML: BB. *laughs* Charisma. That's the word.

Gosh. Looks like I'm going on and on and on about this amazing lady. It's odd. I don't normally open up much to people, much less a person I barely know. Perhaps she was just at the right place, at the right time. Doubt it, but hey, I should entertain the possibility right?

My impression of her, and this is purely speculation, is that she's emotionally driven. In that, it's like a roller coaster ride. Impossible highs and diving lows. I'm talking about her emotional state of mind. Perhaps I'm just projecting, but that is what appears in my mind eye when I think of her. I could be wrong, and maybe I'm not that great at reading people after all. Only time would tell. I hope that, and I want that, this would be a friendship, with benefits or not, that would last. For she truly is a wonder and a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stale world.