What is love?
How would you define love?
Questions, practically everyone has thought about.
Love, I reckon, has many facets to it. At its core, love, for me, is a warm and encompassing feeling. It's a sense of belonging, the feeling of home. It, just is. There's a tenderness to it, along with a flaming passion. You stop looking in the mirror, and see only yourself. Instead, you see yourself with others. That's love.
Family, aren't just exemplified by blood. Family is denoted as people who accept the true you, flaws, shortcomings, quirks and all; Blood becomes family, friends evolve into family, and lover/partner grows into family.
Again, a multi faceted emotion. It starts off, as a trickle of endorphins; you feel good. Similar to a peacock, you preen and show off the best of you, to attract the attention of the best that's out there. As time passes, and the dance prolongs, constant impressing no longer becomes a need/must. Instead, you start lowering your defenses, allowing entry to your inner thoughts, truer emotions, darker secrets.
When the rejection everyone secretly fears doesn't come, and instead, you're greeted with acceptance, that's why you start shedding the mask that you've been wearing for so long it melds into your skin. With each piece you shed, you expose the true you to that person. By now, the feeling isn't just a trickle of feeling good. Enough time would have passed, that you've experienced ups and downs, as part of the acceptance and acknowledgement process. There's an accompanying tender fondness when you look at that person; a well of desire that sets you ablaze and makes you want to show the world that this person chose you.
Sexual desire, that carnal pleasure. You crave for their touch, that just a look, can make you want to bring them to a plateau, that only you have the privilege to. You want to share that moment of utter intimacy and vulnerability with the person you entrusted the most fragile part of your being. A single touch from them, would be enough to unleash that torrent of want and need.
A sense of belonging, sense of home. An impression of comfort and safety. That's what a hug could bring and mean. Home is where the heart is. A warm home, with hot food on the table, comfy bed and the feeling of being welcomed; that's the truest gift one could hope for, for these can't be replicated with money. If these doesn't come from the heart, food wouldn't be palatable, and as warm the home could be, temperature wise, it'll leave a chill in your heart. A hug is similar. If the person hugging you, doesn't love you, a hug is just an impersonal action.
When you stop seeing just yourself in the mirror, and start seeing someone next to you, that's love. You don't make plans based on your own whims and desires. You start making plans with another person in mind, and take into consideration their likes/dislikes, whims and desires. You'll be mindful of how that person feels, maybe not all the time, but most of the time. Sketching a future together: what to do, where to go, how to be.
Love, sometimes smacks you in the face and be like: Hey I'm here! Take me!
Love, sometimes, creeps up unannounced; till one day you wake up and see love staring back at you.
Love, can be a fast yet shallow river bed, that all too often, runs out quick.
Love too, can be a slow and deep stream, that endures harsh droughts.
Love, is akin to giving someone the key to the greatest treasure chest.
Love too, is the sharpest blade you'll ever gift someone.
A double edged sword, that almost everyone pursues. Some lucky ones, identify and find it almost immediately. Some, need a lesson or two, or several, before recognizing what they seek. Some even had it, but let it slip them by. Love doesn't turn back, slows down or stop. It's constantly on the move, so once you've got it, don't let it slip you by.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Myriad
How am I feeling today?
That's a very good question. Let's see.
What are the sources of this.... Discontentment?
Mom. Bii. Work. Me.
Mom. Had a phone call with mom. Maybe it's the guilt eating inside of me, that made me react negatively when she started nagging. Ended up with a fight.
Bii. Doesn't hug me anymore, kiss me anymore, or want me anymore. Fck that shit.
Work. Feeling incompetent, and a lack of progress. If only it's just a lack of progress. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I'm... tired.
Me. Fucking insecurities rearing their ugly head.
How do I feel then.
Not just physically tired. But also mentally tired.
That's a very good question. Let's see.
What are the sources of this.... Discontentment?
Mom. Bii. Work. Me.
Mom. Had a phone call with mom. Maybe it's the guilt eating inside of me, that made me react negatively when she started nagging. Ended up with a fight.
Bii. Doesn't hug me anymore, kiss me anymore, or want me anymore. Fck that shit.
Work. Feeling incompetent, and a lack of progress. If only it's just a lack of progress. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I'm... tired.
Me. Fucking insecurities rearing their ugly head.
How do I feel then.
Not just physically tired. But also mentally tired.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Fallin'
She crept along
Silently,
Steadily.
Along the outer perimeter
The guards on duty
Were on high alert,
Senses attuned.
Still she crept,
Like a ninja,
She breached the defenses,
Like knife through butter.
O'er the hills and valleys and plains
She journeyed.
Inching her way closer
With each mile traversed.
Like a thief in the night
All clad in black
She snuck past
Patrolling knights
Past the moat
Past the turrets
Into the courtyard
Into the chambers
In the deepest part of the castle
Where scarcely a handful had ventured
She encountered,
The Warrior.
She came prepared;
One in full battle attire,
One clad in nary a defensive outfit,
Armed only with items in a pouch.
Into Warrior's face,
She threw.
Effort.
A stumble.
Then came Sincerity.
A swoon.
Next was Care.
Armor striped.
Last was Heart.
A transformation.
You,
Are that ninja,
That thief in the night.
And you,
Brought along
A whirlwind of emotions.
A kaleidoscope of colors,
Yet, in the eye of it all,
You're an anchor amidst the chaos.
You wormed your way into my life
And heart
And I hope, you'll never leave.
Silently,
Steadily.
Along the outer perimeter
The guards on duty
Were on high alert,
Senses attuned.
Still she crept,
Like a ninja,
She breached the defenses,
Like knife through butter.
O'er the hills and valleys and plains
She journeyed.
Inching her way closer
With each mile traversed.
Like a thief in the night
All clad in black
She snuck past
Patrolling knights
Past the moat
Past the turrets
Into the courtyard
Into the chambers
In the deepest part of the castle
Where scarcely a handful had ventured
She encountered,
The Warrior.
She came prepared;
One in full battle attire,
One clad in nary a defensive outfit,
Armed only with items in a pouch.
Into Warrior's face,
She threw.
Effort.
A stumble.
Then came Sincerity.
A swoon.
Next was Care.
Armor striped.
Last was Heart.
A transformation.
You,
Are that ninja,
That thief in the night.
And you,
Brought along
A whirlwind of emotions.
A kaleidoscope of colors,
Yet, in the eye of it all,
You're an anchor amidst the chaos.
You wormed your way into my life
And heart
And I hope, you'll never leave.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
A continuation
So I left out the last, but definitely not least person from the previous post. And with good reason too.
She deserves way more than just a few paragraphs, of an already long gush over Dichelle.
Xue Yi. The 26 year old lawyer from Penang. She's sweet and she makes me feel so... touched at the little things she say. From implying that I'm a soothing source in an otherwise whirlwind of a life, to instantly giving me attention when I said I'm sad. I do like her. Maybe not the gushing kind like with Dichelle. But a slow & steady and gradually building momentum kind of wave of emotions.
At any rate, I want to start things off the right foot, and do right by her. I deleted my dating app accounts, and uninstalled them as well. I realize, I don't want to let this slip by me, before it blooms into something more.
It's been a week or so since the beginning part was written and saved as a draft. In this time we've only gotten closer and closer. Endearments are already on the table, ranging from sayang, dear, all the way to bii. Yes, it's mostly from me. But it's reciprocated, so it's not a lost cause.
Something weird kinda happened the past couple of days. Ever since she got back from Vietnam, she has been super crazy busy. And intellectually, I understand that and tried to give her space. Emotionally, it's like going cold turkey. I was rather... Emotional, for lack of a more encompassing word. Blue and down and out. I couldn't put a name to that emotion I was feeling. Naturally, the insecurities surfaced.
Started thinking about all the ridiculous What-Ifs. What if she doesn't want me anymore? What if this connection was all in my mind? What if I'm not good enough for her? What if she wants to get back with her ex? What if, she's ghosting on me? What if, I'm not special, but part of the crowd? After all, why would she choose me? Why would she want me? I'm nothing special after all.
All those thoughts, lingered in my mind. Ok, so, I kinda cried a lil on Tuesday night. I reached out to Tucker over the weekend, but he, God bless him, has amazing timing. He got back to me on Wednesday. We had a long chat, and I voiced out how I felt. T set me on the right path and sort of gave me a verbal dress down. LOL. I suppose, I kinda deserved that.
T then told me about his news. He just found out he has thyroid cancer, which, as far as cancers go, has one of the highest rate of survival past 10 years, and is a very very slow moving one. Again, intellectually, I understand that this is something that can be overcome; Emotionally, again, I kinda lost it? Hahahaha.
To top things off, XY didn't reply me the whole day. And when she did, she told me she didn't have a chance to eat at all. No rest whatsoever. That was the last straw to the floodgates. I, sort of nagged at her. As I was walking back, I started tearing. I was down the whole night, yet, somehow, I managed to put up a show when on the phone with mom! I have to thank Tracy for that, for pulling me out of that emotional void.
I called XY before I went bed. I know, I spoke in a small voice. I must have sounded horrible. She was so gentle when she said: I'm rushing for something at the moment. I call you back okay? She did call me back after half an hour, but I think I may have cried me to sleep already then. That was before 11, when I somehow dozed off. I woke up at half 12, and saw her text. We started texting then.
She apologized profusely, saying that she appreciates that I care, and that when she starts working, she will forget everything else except work. We talked more last night, more like a proper conversation. I realize, I don't mind sacrificing my time and sleep for her. I think, I'm falling for her, bit by bit, day by day.
I love, how she puts in the effort, time and energy. I love it even more, when she tries to put me as a priority. It can't be easy, having to slot in time for me, when her work is so consuming. The trend looks to be a weekly date night; this is touching, since that workaholic is putting me ahead of the others. Meeting her friends, isn't that daunting a prospect. Just haven't communicated this to her. I should, shouldn't I?
Fuck. I AM falling for her. God, how did this happen? And yet, it feels, kinda right? It's nice, not to be considered as an option. I look forward to her messages all the time. I talk nonsense when I do have her attention. I'm super affectionate when I talk to her. That fluttering feeling in me gut. Her messages make me smile, even if I'm only scrolling through old messages.
Pardon the rambling. I mentioned weird didn't I?
Weird 'cause, it felt like how we both handled, and reacted to this... situation, would have made or break this fragile connection between us. As a result, it felt like we passed some sort of test? And that our bond (?) got stronger. Or maybe I'm just projecting, and all this is in my mind.
Either way, I have a good feeling about this. That she, could just well be, the one. Too soon to tell, definitely, but the possibility is there, and prospects, at this point of time, seems bright.
She deserves way more than just a few paragraphs, of an already long gush over Dichelle.
Xue Yi. The 26 year old lawyer from Penang. She's sweet and she makes me feel so... touched at the little things she say. From implying that I'm a soothing source in an otherwise whirlwind of a life, to instantly giving me attention when I said I'm sad. I do like her. Maybe not the gushing kind like with Dichelle. But a slow & steady and gradually building momentum kind of wave of emotions.
At any rate, I want to start things off the right foot, and do right by her. I deleted my dating app accounts, and uninstalled them as well. I realize, I don't want to let this slip by me, before it blooms into something more.
It's been a week or so since the beginning part was written and saved as a draft. In this time we've only gotten closer and closer. Endearments are already on the table, ranging from sayang, dear, all the way to bii. Yes, it's mostly from me. But it's reciprocated, so it's not a lost cause.
Something weird kinda happened the past couple of days. Ever since she got back from Vietnam, she has been super crazy busy. And intellectually, I understand that and tried to give her space. Emotionally, it's like going cold turkey. I was rather... Emotional, for lack of a more encompassing word. Blue and down and out. I couldn't put a name to that emotion I was feeling. Naturally, the insecurities surfaced.
Started thinking about all the ridiculous What-Ifs. What if she doesn't want me anymore? What if this connection was all in my mind? What if I'm not good enough for her? What if she wants to get back with her ex? What if, she's ghosting on me? What if, I'm not special, but part of the crowd? After all, why would she choose me? Why would she want me? I'm nothing special after all.
All those thoughts, lingered in my mind. Ok, so, I kinda cried a lil on Tuesday night. I reached out to Tucker over the weekend, but he, God bless him, has amazing timing. He got back to me on Wednesday. We had a long chat, and I voiced out how I felt. T set me on the right path and sort of gave me a verbal dress down. LOL. I suppose, I kinda deserved that.
T then told me about his news. He just found out he has thyroid cancer, which, as far as cancers go, has one of the highest rate of survival past 10 years, and is a very very slow moving one. Again, intellectually, I understand that this is something that can be overcome; Emotionally, again, I kinda lost it? Hahahaha.
To top things off, XY didn't reply me the whole day. And when she did, she told me she didn't have a chance to eat at all. No rest whatsoever. That was the last straw to the floodgates. I, sort of nagged at her. As I was walking back, I started tearing. I was down the whole night, yet, somehow, I managed to put up a show when on the phone with mom! I have to thank Tracy for that, for pulling me out of that emotional void.
I called XY before I went bed. I know, I spoke in a small voice. I must have sounded horrible. She was so gentle when she said: I'm rushing for something at the moment. I call you back okay? She did call me back after half an hour, but I think I may have cried me to sleep already then. That was before 11, when I somehow dozed off. I woke up at half 12, and saw her text. We started texting then.
She apologized profusely, saying that she appreciates that I care, and that when she starts working, she will forget everything else except work. We talked more last night, more like a proper conversation. I realize, I don't mind sacrificing my time and sleep for her. I think, I'm falling for her, bit by bit, day by day.
I love, how she puts in the effort, time and energy. I love it even more, when she tries to put me as a priority. It can't be easy, having to slot in time for me, when her work is so consuming. The trend looks to be a weekly date night; this is touching, since that workaholic is putting me ahead of the others. Meeting her friends, isn't that daunting a prospect. Just haven't communicated this to her. I should, shouldn't I?
Fuck. I AM falling for her. God, how did this happen? And yet, it feels, kinda right? It's nice, not to be considered as an option. I look forward to her messages all the time. I talk nonsense when I do have her attention. I'm super affectionate when I talk to her. That fluttering feeling in me gut. Her messages make me smile, even if I'm only scrolling through old messages.
Pardon the rambling. I mentioned weird didn't I?
Weird 'cause, it felt like how we both handled, and reacted to this... situation, would have made or break this fragile connection between us. As a result, it felt like we passed some sort of test? And that our bond (?) got stronger. Or maybe I'm just projecting, and all this is in my mind.
Either way, I have a good feeling about this. That she, could just well be, the one. Too soon to tell, definitely, but the possibility is there, and prospects, at this point of time, seems bright.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Of Confusion, Variations & Indecisiveness
I've not been updating this regularly enough. By Jove! There's just so much to talk about!
There's 4 ladies that I want to talk about.
1st off, Nana. Nana is super hot. I mentioned before, that, that mind and body of hers is to die for. Yet, as much as I have the hots for Nana, she's someone else's wife.
2nd. Kirsten. Now she is someone I get along very well with, in text and what not. Sadly, she's been MIA for, close to 3 weeks now. I think, she had some family issues to attend to. A real pity if you ask me. I could have, would have given her emotional support.
3rd. Dichelle. She's a colleague from the US office, here on a medium term assignment. Here as in based in Singapore office, medium term as in a 2 year renewable contract. Conversations with her flowed really well. Honestly, I was very attracted to her. Surprise, surprise. I was the last to finish my meal that Thursday. We did the tourist thing, and took pictures with KLCC in the background. I even got her personal number (which apparently, she didn't give out to anyone else) and sent her pictures. When Shireen sent Dichelle back to her hotel, Dichelle told her, that she likes me, 'cause I'm so sociable, just like a party goer.
After we had lunch the next day with Chin Chin (Dichelle was going back to Singapore that afternoon), we all gave Dichelle goodbye hugs. She whispered into my ear and said: Bye crazy. Wow! Talk about having a moment with her. If she had come any closer, I'd have blushed so bad then. I tell you, I'm crushing hard on Dichelle.
I kept my distance for a week or so. Then I texted her on a Thursday night, asking how's her accommodation search coming along. We exchanged pleasantries and I asked permission to stalk her Insta (yay me!) And she stalked me back after that!
So a couple of days ago, on Monday 27th August, Shireen and Wayne (new joiner) came to office. They had a call with Dichelle (Woman's in London and still thinking about work! SMH) I was on the phone with another client, and I was probably a bit loud. She asked, if that's Laura she heard in the background. (Girl's got sharp ears!) And I'm like, oh oops! Sorry Dichelle!
Shireen likes to tease me about Dichelle. She thinks Dichelle likes me too. And she knows I like Dichelle, like, a whole lot. Hahaha. Well. I'll leave her alone for now, since she's on holidays. I'll probably disturb her again next week, just to catch up. Find out how she's getting along with the unboxing of her 34 boxes.
Dichelle is like, the forbidden fruit that is a temptation. You shouldn't, couldn't have it. Yet, you still stretch your hand towards it. As hot as she is, she's a colleague. Honestly, I've fantasized about her before *blush* I feel like a kid in her presence. And she probably thinks I am one too! It'll be interesting to find out, if she IS straight af or not. If she isn't, there's still the colleague hurdle. Sigh. She's just so fucking hot. I could give her a night to remember, sex her well, make her cum non stop.
Wow I just admitted to wanting to sex a colleague. Talk about a confession of sorts. Blardy good thing this shit is private right
There's 4 ladies that I want to talk about.
1st off, Nana. Nana is super hot. I mentioned before, that, that mind and body of hers is to die for. Yet, as much as I have the hots for Nana, she's someone else's wife.
2nd. Kirsten. Now she is someone I get along very well with, in text and what not. Sadly, she's been MIA for, close to 3 weeks now. I think, she had some family issues to attend to. A real pity if you ask me. I could have, would have given her emotional support.
3rd. Dichelle. She's a colleague from the US office, here on a medium term assignment. Here as in based in Singapore office, medium term as in a 2 year renewable contract. Conversations with her flowed really well. Honestly, I was very attracted to her. Surprise, surprise. I was the last to finish my meal that Thursday. We did the tourist thing, and took pictures with KLCC in the background. I even got her personal number (which apparently, she didn't give out to anyone else) and sent her pictures. When Shireen sent Dichelle back to her hotel, Dichelle told her, that she likes me, 'cause I'm so sociable, just like a party goer.
After we had lunch the next day with Chin Chin (Dichelle was going back to Singapore that afternoon), we all gave Dichelle goodbye hugs. She whispered into my ear and said: Bye crazy. Wow! Talk about having a moment with her. If she had come any closer, I'd have blushed so bad then. I tell you, I'm crushing hard on Dichelle.
I kept my distance for a week or so. Then I texted her on a Thursday night, asking how's her accommodation search coming along. We exchanged pleasantries and I asked permission to stalk her Insta (yay me!) And she stalked me back after that!
So a couple of days ago, on Monday 27th August, Shireen and Wayne (new joiner) came to office. They had a call with Dichelle (Woman's in London and still thinking about work! SMH) I was on the phone with another client, and I was probably a bit loud. She asked, if that's Laura she heard in the background. (Girl's got sharp ears!) And I'm like, oh oops! Sorry Dichelle!
Shireen likes to tease me about Dichelle. She thinks Dichelle likes me too. And she knows I like Dichelle, like, a whole lot. Hahaha. Well. I'll leave her alone for now, since she's on holidays. I'll probably disturb her again next week, just to catch up. Find out how she's getting along with the unboxing of her 34 boxes.
Dichelle is like, the forbidden fruit that is a temptation. You shouldn't, couldn't have it. Yet, you still stretch your hand towards it. As hot as she is, she's a colleague. Honestly, I've fantasized about her before *blush* I feel like a kid in her presence. And she probably thinks I am one too! It'll be interesting to find out, if she IS straight af or not. If she isn't, there's still the colleague hurdle. Sigh. She's just so fucking hot. I could give her a night to remember, sex her well, make her cum non stop.
Wow I just admitted to wanting to sex a colleague. Talk about a confession of sorts. Blardy good thing this shit is private right
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Drifter
A loner by nature
She prowls the shoreline
Questing, probing,
Not knowing what she's seeking
Day in day out her routine goes
Till one sunset, she stumbled, per chance
Upon this unmarked trail
Faint at the onslaught, obvious once seen
The road not taken, she shrugs.
And upon a journey she embarked
Oh what an adventure it was!
A hidden cove, an inlet of water
Her first discovery.
What came next?
Myth debunked.
The most gorgeous face she saw
A set of vibrant green eyes
A smile that lit the world
A face, that was unmistakably feminine.
It started with a smile
A hello
That went on to last a lifetime
A lifetime that spanned half a decade
There was joy
There was laughter and hope
Then came the sorrow
Despair and loneliness
Still she persisted
On this road of minority choice
Squaring her shoulders
Chest up, she pushed ahead
A few stumbles
A few roadblocks
A few obstacles
In a moment of clarity
A drunken stupor provides
She locked her beating heart up
In a wooden chest, bound with iron linked chains
Pulling her hand back, she threw
Threw the key far, far away from her
Deep into Davy's grasp
Into his ever expanding hoard
A few stumbles
A few roadblocks
A few obstacles
The road not taken
A roller-coaster ride
A journey started
An adventure to be seen till the end
She met a flitting fairy
And was grateful for the company
They hit it off from the start
And her chest felt lighter with each passing moment
One fine day, the flitting fairy disappeared
Once more, she's left in the dark
Still, she shoulders on
Shoulders on she must
She knows now, what her search is for
That quest for the elusive,
That of which she's seeking,
That happiness
Perhaps, one day,
She'll get a shot.
At obtaining that fairytale ending
Till then, she'll continue as she always have.
Monday, June 5, 2017
My Hometown
So I semi attended this online writing circle chaired by Nana. It was about creative writing. So the prompt for the day was: my hometown. I got to thinking about it. I wanted to showcase the contrast between the past and the present. And it somehow had this melancholy, sombre tone to it.
My hometown
My place of birth
Where childhood memories reside
Seremban
My hometown
My place of birth
Where childhood memories reside
Seremban
Not huge and confusing and forever changing
Like its bigger cousin Kuala Lumpur
Nor small and close knitted
Where every neighbor is a friend you know by name
Just the right size of population and development
Where there's some familiarity amidst uncertainty
Where there's friends amongst strangers
Where the new blends and complements the old
Where once traffic jams are an irregularity
It's now a growing consistency
Where old school coffee shops once filled with the thrilling of magpies
It's now a concrete landfill marked as parking
My Alma mater stood proudly against the cliff face
Now said cliff face has been leveled for further expansion
The teachers I once feared and respected
Have since relinquished their responsibilities and embraced retirement
The playground dad used to bring me to
Still stands, just lonelier
The lake garden that is the pride and joy of the town
Still stands, just less shady
My hometown
Is a small place
Yet
Is a big part within my heart
As I read this over and over again, it somehow lacks an emotional connection behind it. It started off factual and descriptory, followed by the changes wrung by development. Yet, it felt right ending where it did. Honestly? I had no idea what else to include in it.
Like its bigger cousin Kuala Lumpur
Nor small and close knitted
Where every neighbor is a friend you know by name
Just the right size of population and development
Where there's some familiarity amidst uncertainty
Where there's friends amongst strangers
Where the new blends and complements the old
Where once traffic jams are an irregularity
It's now a growing consistency
Where old school coffee shops once filled with the thrilling of magpies
It's now a concrete landfill marked as parking
My Alma mater stood proudly against the cliff face
Now said cliff face has been leveled for further expansion
The teachers I once feared and respected
Have since relinquished their responsibilities and embraced retirement
The playground dad used to bring me to
Still stands, just lonelier
The lake garden that is the pride and joy of the town
Still stands, just less shady
My hometown
Is a small place
Yet
Is a big part within my heart
As I read this over and over again, it somehow lacks an emotional connection behind it. It started off factual and descriptory, followed by the changes wrung by development. Yet, it felt right ending where it did. Honestly? I had no idea what else to include in it.
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